9th of August in the year 2019, the date I remembered clearly.
Life was once so brutal to me that until now it somehow leaves clear scratches and scars of yesterday.
That until now, I am haunted by the fear I felt that day.
And on that day,
Life slapped me so hard on my face making me think if I could still survive or not.
Losing Touch
It's past 9 in the evening
I decided to let myself rest,
Crying,
Sobbing,
Letting all the pain out,
Hoping that there'll be another day to wake up without that same pain.
I Woke up,
Stomach aching
It's not comforting,
I quickly run somewhere
Where I can ease myself in.
I took a deep breath,
I was now in the restroom
Thinking that was only a pain in the stomach
Hoping after that, I'll be good again.
I thought that was already it,
Not until...
My heart's beating fast,
Knees trembling,
hands shaking,
chest and stomach contracting,
I felt too much pain,
I can't breathe,
I can't breathe!
I grasping for air,
Calling for help.
I almost lost touch with reality,
Hands and feet were numb,
The color of my palm goes from pale to dark blue,
It's not comforting.
My heart...
I can feel it...
It goes from fast to slow beating,
I don't know what's happening...
My eyes...
My eyes want to close,
I almost can't see anyone,
I'm slowly losing my breath.
Mom!
Mom! Help!
What should I do?
Can't do it anymore.
I'm losing it.
Mom! I can't ...
"Take a deep breath,
Relax,
I'm here,
We're here,
I know you can do it,
You have to do it,
Breath!"
I can see...
I can't see...
I can't...
...
...
I don't know what happened next.
I posted this poem already on other platforms and with other pen names.
https://allpoetry.com/poem/17073747-Losing-Touch--by-Fayre-M.
https://www.yourquote.in/cmcs0/quotes/losing-touch-losing-touch-it-s-past-nine-evening-i-decided-s-cqo348
http://journeysandbeyondliving.home.blog/2023/03/26/losing-touch/
You might be asking why I experienced that or there might be a lot of questions in your mind after reading this and to tell you honestly at first I don't know but now I slowly understand why. So I made possible questions that you might ask and give you an answer.
The Questions
- Why do you feel those?
- Have you gone to a doctor?
- Why do you have to share this? This might take a negative effect on the reader.
- How did you survive?
- Were you still feeling those?
- What if I'll be in that situation? What should I do?
These are the only possible questions that I am able to formulate. You can ask in the comment section if there were any and I'll try to create a new blog to answer all those.
The Answers
There were 2 possible reasons why I experienced those.
- First, I was having the signs of a heart attack and second, I was having an anxiety or panic attack.
- Based on my experience and as I comprehend after many months or years of fighting the triggers, it is all because of the suppressed feelings or emotions that I was hiding. It might be because of too much anger or sadness that I kept for a long time and somehow the night before that happens I was crying, which is why it triggers causing to feel that way.
- Yes, I have. I performed ECG (that is for checking electrical signals from the heart). As far as I remembered with all my check-ups and performing ECGs after the incident happened the result stated that I have a history of myocardial I forget the whole term of what type of myocardial but as I look upon the internet it stated there that it is a minor heart attack. I won't delve deeper into it. All I did the whole year is make myself strong and make myself well. I don't have a penny to go from hospital to hospital to get a clear result of what really happened. It wasn't easy but as years goes by I understand myself more and comprehend more about it. Maybe sooner or later as I always planned if I do have a good amount I'll let myself be checked properly.
- I didn't plan to share the story behind the poem I made above, but I know I have to explain maybe a little of the details for the readers to understand and to give awareness to everybody. Life is not always a bed of roses, sometimes you need to live with its thorns. Do not live with agony, anger, or hatred. Do not work to live instead love your work and live. Make time, relax, chill, breathe, and everything will really fall into place.
- For me to survive, I live with it. I accepted it and embraced it. Though honestly, there will always be fewer people who will believe in what I felt after the incident but I have to be strong. I need to live and survive because it will always be YOU who can heal you.
- Yes, sometimes every time there were triggers. In my intro blog, I stated there that "I have grasped all the fear that I haven't felt before" this is the reason why I developed fears. But I can say that I am slowly coping with it. Not because I need to but because I have to. I can't live with fear always. I have to face the demon (fear) living inside me.
- Think properly. Breath. Inhale and exhale. Relax and compose yourself. Do not hesitate to seek help if you can. And always remember, do not let your mind weakens you if you are in the situation, find a way to relax and overcome it. It is only you who can control to stop it.
Most importantly, LOVE YOURSELF MORE, CARE YOURSELF MORE, and CHECK YOURSELF MORE. Your health is more important than anything you are facing now.
Disclaimer: I am not an expert in this, I only wrote here based on my experience. The best advice I can give is to seek help from the proper authority.
I think that's a wrap for today:)
Thank you for your time reading and sharing my story. I hope you are always doing fine. Always take time to breathe, relax, chill, and find peace. :) Until my next blog! :)
Enjoy the rest of your day:) Ciao <3
There’s this phenomenon that really happens to us before we can even learn to love ourselves, but I guess it’s the reason that made us comfortable with the thorns, and the thunderstorm seasons becomes nothing. I’m glad you survived your own challenges, and was able to find love on your own.🙌🏻 Nice poem by the way.💛
It's always the thorn that will help us know more about ourselves.
It is important to check ourselves sometimes/every time. overdoing our body due to work and stress can bring us fatally. As you said, It is important to relax, love yourself and care for yourself. Glad you survive this incident. Thank you for sharing this with us @rhianmaker.
Not only overdoing but neglecting one's own emotions really affects the whole you ate the end of the day.
We can encounter many trials, challenges, problems in life it depends on how we will carry it. Keep on asking guidance and help from God, so that everything will be fine. I know you are fighter, stay strong!
Thank you.
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Whenever you have problems you can express them through writing. I like your poem. It has great lessons about life. Self care is of the utmost importance.
Writing really gives me the best comfort when I can find no one to hear me out. Thank you for the appreciation of my poem 😊
I see your vulnerability, your courage, and your strength to share this, to talk about this, and to face it. Some people fear facing reality, or not feel their emotions to escape. But I admire you for going through all that. And yes, we may never understand immediately why things happen, we can only be open and receptive to the wisdom it will bring to us in the future.
It took me a year or more before I accepted the fact that it happens to me. Everytime I tried sharing this before it always bring me to tears. But thankfully this time I am slowly healing and it gives me more strength to what's ahead.
You are brave enough for dealing and surviving this storm. We all have our fair share of struggles and silent battles. Indeed, checking ourselves is essential. It may sound easy to tell but working on ourselves doesn't have to happen overnight. It is a process. Anyway, continue being a brave soul.❤️
Indeed. I heard a lot of advises before but those doesn't work on me until I decided to embrace and face it.
This is great and comforting. Thank you for sharing