Your thesis is well conceived and presented here. I myself was raised in the way you discuss, and also immersed in wilderness, where the fecundity and verdance of life remained in full vigor. As a result of my dissatisfaction with the 'normal' impact of technological advance and prosperity on families, when I began my own family I did things differently. I was unwilling to put my infant sons in cribs, where their need to be nurtured at all times, which infants are unable to do without, is unmet, causing them distress. Further, because they require frequent attention at all hours, when they were in another room they were required to be distressed enough to raise a ruckus that alerted us. Then we had to arise and go to their aid. None of this was necessary when they slept in our bed with us. When they needed succor, it was directly at hand. We didn't need to get up, get dressed, and get busy when they only needed to roll over and nurse.
I think this was not only good for my kids, it was good for their parents, who spent a lot less time losing sleep and cranky.
Neither did I sentence my kids to day prison with all the other kids. While there was some social deprivation due to them being homeschooled on a compound innawoods, I did make nominal efforts to ensure their social circle was not inadequate, and in fact my kids were very involved in extracurricular groups and clubs outside of the formal incarceration known as public school. Indeed, after my divorce and becoming their sole legal parent, I had to bring them to work with me as a single, working father unwilling to let others raise my kids. I taught them how to do math by putting tape measures in their hands which caused them to need to understand how to simplify, add, subtract, multiply, and divide fractions in the imperial system (which was much better for the purpose than the metric system, because the metric system is too easy).
Today they remain better men than I, and I hope my sincere efforts to ensure their natural needs and abilities were met and encouraged has enabled them to flourish and lead the best lives possible to them in the world we are in. Despite being homeschooled and autodidacts, they are successful professionals, much admired by their peers today. I can claim no part of their success, but can only hope I did not hold them back while raising them.
Thanks!
Thank you so much to give some personal details on how you raised your sons. I appreciate these anecdotes out of real life.
You have made many sensible decisions that were, are and will benefit your offspring, more than I can say for myself, that's for sure.
You pictured the ridiculousness all too well, situations in which young parents can bring themselves when having a new born. To let them sleep right next to you is for a new born the easiest, most relaxed and humane practice. (I have a very sad story in that regard, but won't speak about it here).
Here, nobody near or far ever thought that way. Neither did I. In Germany you have to bend the law and make yourself an exemption in order to home school. It's otherwise compulsory. I will never get to know, neither will my son, how it would have been without public school life.
Very unusual to hear about a father who single raises his kids, since you are my age, or older. Does the mother still live and how does she perceive her adult sons today? I congratulate you on the successes sincerely. So good to hear.
Why do you say that you cannot claim a part of the positive sides of their lives? Or do you say it's up to them and the extended family and society to judge that? Which also would not be false. If you hear mostly compliments, you can attribute at least one part to yourself, I guess. If your kids don't avoid you, if they regularly contact you but not too often, you probably can take that as a compliment for yourself as a father.
Thanks again for giving your comment.
Their mother still lives, and I have endeavored to ensure my sons know both the parents God or gods gave them, and since they were very young they don't remember being shot at by their mother's family or anything about the divorce and custody decree, so they have great love and affection for their mother.
I have concluded from my own life that I was not hammered out of the events of my life, but am who I am despite them. While our experiences teach us, they do not make us who we are, and my sons merit their own success which they have themselves created. While homeschooling gave them many advantages over their peers, it didn't make their persons, which they are by God or gods' graces. My own father, when I pressed him on the matter of investment in my upbringing in early adolescence said 'You have food in your belly, a shirt on your back, and a roof over your head. My job is done.' I found this inadequate for my role as a father, yet my own constant investment in the upbringing of my sons didn't make them who they are any more than my own father's lack of it did me. Eventually I have come to realize my father was right, although he shortchanged himself by not enjoying the many teaching moments father's have opportunities to when rearing their spawn.
Being a father has defined me, and while no father is without regrets, I am proud of nothing as much as I am being a father.
I wouldn't disagree with that. It would be too much vanity to claim the sons' success as your complete personal achievement. What I mean, rather, is that you gave them a solid foundation because you acted according to your convictions, which is enough in and of itself because you seemed sure of their positive influences at the time and therefore don't plague yourself with remorse or guilt.
In the same way, children have nothing they wish to hold against their father or mother, and why should they.
I think as a parent you can make all kinds of mistakes and errors as long as your children know where they stand with you. And they had the experience of a stable home in their childhood. In other words, parents who don't just disappear, who are unpredictable and ambivalent. Or, like your dad so clearly expressed.
Right. I find this to be an intelligent insight. There is under- and there is over-investment, but there is investment, after all.
If an adolescent complains of either or, the parent has to give the correct answer, according to his worldview and not the view of the young. Since the young cannot have the exact same view, for they lack the experience of life lived in years. Indeed, the young one expects his parent to answer correct.
Children often have the fantasy of their parents apologizing for their misdeeds. I think this is a psychological error. I now know that I never wanted my mom to apologize in front of me (even though I had this illusion) but to stand firm in front of us kids accusations. I needed her to be strong despite our constant blaming her. And she was. She did not whine, she did not suffer in front of us, even though we really gave her a hard core time. She was - of course - more intelligent than we were in that respect. Because, after all, what should that have changed, after things already had happened in the past.
I am therefore very glad that she spared me the sight of a mother crying and begging piteously for forgiveness, leaving her and my own dignity unharmed.
I think that it is rather one of the very problematic experiences of children who see a father or mother rolling in the dust in front of them because of their offences. Since the wish for it is a rather immature one and one not deeply reflected upon, it can only come from children who avoid self knowledge.
An excellent analysis. He has invested less, but also experienced fewer investment-rich moments of parenthood. To argue about one or the other is luxury.