I have to leave the house today and it terrifies me. 😭 Living with mental health issues. (What I am feeling today)

I should probably start by introducing myself.

My name is Asteel, I am 33 years old and I have been living with mental health issues for the majority of my life. When I was 24 I had an aneurysm while I was working one of my 80+ hour weeks.

For years before my aneurysm I had suffered with depression and anxiety. They were certainly not (at this point in my life) what I would consider bad.

After my aneurysm and the long recovery process, learning how to walk again, how to talk properly again, how to express myself.... (These are things you don't think of yourself ever having to relearn how to do, but in a split second it happened to me.) I realized that my anxiety levels had skyrocketed, my depression was at an all time high, I mean, I was only 24, and I had done everything "right" up until that point. I graduated college, I got a high paying job, I bought a nice car... the things that make you think you have arrived at success when your young.

Now I am going to pivot a little bit from this sad story and say that I am doing better! I don't feel sorry for myself and neither should you. I survived, I am here... and even that was a lot to ask for with what happened to me.

I have another blog, my introduction, that I did that goes into depth about what is up above here. If you want feel free to check it out. I got so much love on this blog and I really just want to say thank you for that. https://peakd.com/hive-120078/@asteel/an-introduction-to-myself-asteel

Though I don't want pity, I of course want people to understand what I go through. No one likes feeling completely misunderstood. I think that some people may understand a little bit more, after Covid-19 lockup, what life with Acrophobia feels like. (I tell people that honestly... Covid didn't effect my day to day life.... That is because I almost never leave my home.

When I know that I have to leave my home the first thing that happens is this feeling of dread, of wanting to crawl back in bed and hide myself. Phobias are not logical. If they were logical they would be much easier to address. When I look at my calendar and see an appointment it affects my entire day. I find myself unable to focus properly, I want to withdrawal even more than I already am.

Agoraphobia is actually not the fear of leaving your home. agoraphobia is actually the fear of panic attacks that is associated with leaving your home. I suffer constant panic attacks. They are simply part of my life. My daily panic attacks are nothing compared to when I step foot outside of my home. My heart races, my mind goes blank, I cannot think straight in the least. I have passed out more than once from my panic attacks.

The worst part of agoraphobia is that first step out the door. Once I am able to get in the car with my nurse or whomever happens to be taking me to the doctor that day, I do feel a little bit better. I want to state also that agoraphobia is not necessarily that I am scared of the world. It is more of an issue with my own minds idea of what a "safe place" is. I define my "safe places as a place that does not add to my anxiety. A great example would be my therapist office. Though I am still never as comfortable anywhere as I am at home, safe in my world with my cat.

(This is Chrissy, she is my emotional support animal)

As I type this I actually find myself about to have to get ready to head to my appointment and the only thing that really calms me down is Chrissy here sitting on my lap. I have about 5 minutes until my ride is supposed to be here and I find myself clinching my jaws intensely hard, my hands and knees are shaking and my brain is screaming for me to call and cancel so that I can have some relief. But I know if I do that the few meds I do take anymore will stopped being prescribed to me.

I am about to leave for my Dr. appointment and I honestly feel sick. There is no other way to really describe the amount of anxiety I am feeling. It is also not just mental. Because I am so anxious my body is very tense.

I just got the message to head down and meet my nurse for my ride to the doctor. I will try to come back to this post after my appointment and let you guys know how it went.

(I got back from my doctors appointment about an hour ago. The feeling of relief walking in the door to my house was indescribable. I was so worked up though that I had to lay down for a little while.)

Let me interject, that I am not particularly afraid of any one thing. This fear within me, while not primal... I was not born with it... It feels very much so.

After resting for a little bit and allowing my mind to ease I do feel more like my usual self, although, my body physically hurts... this is because I am get so tense. I always have to be aware of my surroundings, I have to make sure no one is right behind me. For some reason the fear does not make me more aware of my surroundings. It just adds to the weight of my anxiety.

I do feel safe with my Doctors, I do feel safe, while in their offices. Its just the time in-between leaving my home and ending up in their office that I feel all of this anxiety.

Thank you for allowing me to vent, to assess what I am feeling, blogging all of this is very therapeutic for me. I am sorry I was jumping around so much, but this is the mind of a person of the verge of a panic attack. Such is my life.

Thank you for your time,

Asteel