Love Yourself First: How We Secretly Sabotage Ourselves

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Put on Your Own Mask First

On airplanes, they tell you to put your own mask on first in the event of an emergency prior to helping others. This is good life advice, but often, we don’t take it. I am afraid to mention this life advice because when I was training to be a counsellor, my supervisor told me not to use the airplane as an example. Apparently, a client got irate with her because he had never been on an airplane. He called her a “rich bitch.” Well, if he had been my client, I would have told him that this is a good metaphor for life and that I really hope he has an opportunity to go on a plane someday if he wants to do that. I don’t think we need to throw out the image simply because not all people have been on planes.

The Best Laid Plans

Originally, this article was supposed to be about how to stay sane over the holidays. I still plan to write that article, but this one turned into something else. Does that happen to you when you write? You think you are going to write one thing, and then, lo and behold, different words come dripping out of your fingertips as you type. Before you know it, you have 1500+ words, and they have nothing to do with your originally intended topic.

Sometimes I try to focus. I try to keep myself on topic. However, often ideas and epiphanies come out when we just allow the words to flow. That is what I did today, and I think I figured some things out.

Sanity is Over-rated

Thinking of staying sane over the holidays, my first thought is that I have difficulty maintaining my sanity at the best of times. If you read my stuff on a regular basis, you might have gotten that impression already. We have a very small family, which is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, it makes it very difficult when a family member is ill because there are very few of us to deal with the situation. However, when it comes to the holidays, there are fewer of us to drive each other crazy.

Nevertheless, we manage to accomplish the task of driving one another nuts with great ease regardless of our small numbers. This is one of our many talents as a family, I think. For example, my adult daughter, who I have mentioned has mental health issues that make mine look like a walk in the park, has suddenly refused to come for Christmas. It is telling that, although we love her a lot, both my sister and my father responded to the news by saying, “Oh, well. It’s probably for the best.”

Personally, I don’t think it is for the best because I worry about her. She is over 30, but she is still my little girl. I know what it is like to suffer from mental illness, and, frankly, it sucks. A lot. I don’t know what she will do. The truth is that, while there are therapists who are helpful for some people, and medication that works for many people, for some of us, we try many medications and therapists, and nothing works.

What Works for my Depression

The only things that work for my depression are:

1. Exercise -- but it is nearly impossible to motivate oneself to exercise when depressed. I once read a description of depression. The person said, “you might as well ask me to move a mountain with a spoon.” That was very accurate. So, while I count it as a big win when I manage to exercise, and I am constantly trying to encourage myself to do it, it can be a major struggle.
2. Marijuana – I “just said no” for the first 35 years of my life. What a waste! Ha ha. But, seriously. It seems a bit crazy when I think of all the many psychotropic prescription drugs I tried in various dosages and in combination with one another. Did any of them work? Well, yeah… a little, but there was never any dramatic “I’m cured” feeling. I suspect that it was often the placebo effect at work. I have written before about how cannabis is extremely helpful, but it clouds my mind. I recently purchased a strain called “Ringo’s Gift,” which is less psycho-active and much higher in CBD than THC. This is moderately helpful in making me more productive, but I have been more depressed this fall than I have for quite some time.
3. Meditation – Meditation helps a lot, but I don’t do it very often. Why don’t I do it? It’s funny how sometimes it is hard to motivate ourselves to do things that are helpful. Of course, by writing this, I am already encouraging myself to do it. I prefer transcendental mediation to mindfulness meditation, but both are helpful.
4. Hypnosis – Hypnosis is extremely helpful. I plan to write more about hypnosis because it is something people don’t understand and I am a certified hypnotist. That sounds very fancy, but it really means I took a course and proved to the instructor that I could competently hypnotize people. However, I actually have quite a bit more training than most people who are hypnotists, both because I have taken more hypnosis training and because of my psychology background. The irony is that I don’t put myself into trance as often as would be helpful for me.

Am I Sabotaging Myself?

Having written this list, one thing has become obvious, which is that I seem to be sabotaging myself without being fully conscious of it. It is interesting how these revelations come out when we write. Denial is a slippery eel because you never quite know when you are in denial. If you knew, you wouldn’t be in denial. No one ever thinks they are in denial, which is why it is important to sometimes ask yourself the question, “Am I, in fact, in denial?”

How am I sabotaging myself? I am not doing the things that I know for a fact would make me feel better. So, why would I deliberately deprive myself of these things? I think part of it is fear that I won’t actually feel better.

Hypnosis: Secondary Gain

It seems more likely, though, that there is more to the story. In hypnosis, we talk about something called “secondary gain.” What this means is that sometimes, we do something (often subconsciously) that causes ourselves pain. However, in addition to the pain, which is very real (and sometimes physical), there is some pay off that prevents us from healing. Until we figure out what the secondary gain is, we cannot improve.

One example of this that my first hypnosis instructor gave was a client who had terrible stomach problems. I am not sure whether she had irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) or an ulcer, but it was a medically diagnosed condition. The symptoms usually came on when her in-laws showed up unannounced despite repeated requests to call first.

Obviously, this lady did not enjoy being sick to her stomach, but being sick kept her from having to interact with her in-laws. The subconscious mind sometimes has a weird way of solving problems if we don’t solve them consciously. Anyhow, that is secondary gain – when a situation that, on the surface of things, is negative, has positive side effects like this lady being in terrible physical pain but then not having to deal with her annoying in-laws.

What is MY Secondary Gain in this Situation?

How does this relate to my situation? My depression is the worst it has been in years. I have been doing the things I need to do to help myself, but I have not been consistent. For example, I swim, but only twice per week. I take marijuana, but I have not been meditating or practicing hypnosis. As a result, my depression has been deepening and I have been spending more time in bed. I feel genuinely horrible.

We might well wonder what possible upside there could be. Well, if I am brutally honest with myself (and you all), here it is: My father is very ill, and also a very difficult person. I am his only relative in the city. I feel like I should call him more and go visit him more, but when I phone him or go visit him, he often says something awful. Not every time. It’s unpredictable. The awful thing can range from being mildly demeaning or dismissive to being an indictment of my character and my life’s accomplishments (or lack thereof).

So, on the one hand, I love my father. He has many positive qualities and has been extremely generous and kind to me in most ways. However, he can also be mean, obtuse, and completely oblivious.

In most life situations, I am good at being assertive and standing up for myself, but, with my father, I suck at it. I used to be able to stand up to him more, but now, with his being 84 and quite ill, it kills me to get upset with him. I realize that being assertive can be done with kindness and empathy, but he has never taken it well. When I was younger, I did not worry so much about his feelings. I mean, I worried about them, but not so much.

Now, it seems heartless not to worry. Why? Because, not only does he not have any other living relatives in the city, but he has a serious heart condition and other medical issues. He really shouldn’t get upset, and he is prone to getting upset. He feels the need to always be right, and no one is always right. I don’t want him to get angry and risk his heart. I don’t want him to feel sad and alone.

So, I know it is not healthy of me – it’s the most unhealthy – but I think a lot of the reason I am so deeply depressed is to avoid spending time with my father. My feelings of profound despair are genuine and excruciating. It makes no sense that I would put myself through more pain to avoid the pain of being emotionally hurt by my father and not wanting to defend myself in any way because of his health.

Conclusion

Writing can be incredibly healing because, if I had not written this, I don’t think I would have consciously realized that this is what I am doing to myself. However, now that I have realized it, I wonder whether I can alter my behaviour. It is interesting that, regardless of how painful my life currently is – spending the majority of my time lying in bed, feeling like there is no hope, not doing anything at all – the idea of trying to either spend more time with my father or make a conscious decision not to do so seems so much worse. Why is that? I need to ask myself that.

I suppose the answer is simple: it is easier to hurt myself than to hurt someone else. It is easier to hurt myself than to be hurt by someone else. I need to change this thinking. The first step is doing the four things that help me to regain my balance. The next step is realizing that my father is elderly, but not fragile. I don’t believe that he intends to hurt me or wants to hurt me. I need to tell him to back the hell off sometimes, and he will accept that. If he doesn’t, we will have to have a longer conversation.

The lesson is that no matter how much I love someone or how worried I am about their health, I cannot allow them to be nasty to me, even if I am quite certain it is not intentional or malicious. If I know that I will always stand up for myself, I will feel safe. If I feel safe, I can go anywhere and do anything. That is what I need to do for myself. I need to be able to trust myself. This is the prescription, but it is easier said than done.