How important is friendship to you?

What an interesting question to ponder, and I can only imagine that 1000 of us could answer this question and all come up with a response that is either mildly or wildly different from what I'm about to say.

The full question, from Queercoin was this:

Friendship - How important is friendship to you? Do you have a best friend? Why are they your best friend? Why do you think people need to have friends?

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Let me tackle these questions one at a time.

1. I feel friendship is incredibly important to me. (More on this when I answer question 3 further down in this post).

2. I do not have a "best friend".

I think this is a construct we create in school and many of us would be well served to review this term as we grow as human beings. If I was still "best friends" with the girl from my primary school days I would not have had the space to grow anywhere near as much as I have. My "best friend" from the end of high school is still someone I adore and have a deep bond with but we've also drifted apart, literally and figuratively. And we're both okay with that.

Maybe the fact that I moved around a lot as a child really influenced my thoughts on this. Maybe the fact that I struggled socially as a child had a lot to do with this. And maybe the fact that I was forced to get good at making new friends also had a hand in it; over time I learned that I could always make new friends. And that realisation has served me really well over time.

Now, I may not have one best friend but I do have a circle of very, very close friends. These are a group of women (+ one man) spread out across cities, states and countries with whom I can be radically authentic. Most of them are therapists, coaches or practitioners like myself and so I can tell them that I'm sad, or angry, or feeling ashamed and they don't shut me down or try to fix me. They're pretty good at letting me be myself and loving me as I am (and offering advice or reflections if I ask for it or think I'm capable of hearing it). They're f*cking awesome humans and I adore them.

I also have several layers of friends that circle out wider and wider; they're less close to my precious heart but I still love them. These include business friends, people I used to have in my inner circle, people I love a lot but rarely speak to and running friends. If asked, I could call every one of them my "friends" but they're not the people I tell my biggest fears, hopes and dreams to.

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3. Why do you think people need to have friends?

Socialising is an essential part of being human. We have entire portions of our nervous system that have been designed specifically for social engagement and thus for us to be physically healthy we must socialise.

Now in some cultures the extended family unit creates plenty of opportunity to socialise and so, in some places, people may not have a need to have friends who are not also family members. However, I live in a so-called "Western" country where we think it's normal to live in boxes (known as houses or units) in tiny family units that often only have 2 or 3 people in them. Most people need more connection than this. I certainly do. {Enter stage left, my answer to question 1...}

Don't get me wrong, I adore time alone, space to think, time to ponder. But I also need to talk to and connect with and hug other human beings who I have things in common with. I need to connect with human beings who see the world in a similar way to the way I see it.

For me to thrive I need to have friends who get the part of me that loves running, and dancing, and singing. I need friends who get the part of me that loves studying Human Design and nervous system health and all things transformation-related. I need friends who have a spiritual bent that is non-religious and who think money is a tool to do more cool and helpful things in the world (not something to be avoided, or hoarded).

I do know--as I study more and more humans through the lens of our differences--that some of us need more friends than others. Some people will only ever have a tiny handful of besties who they stay friends with for decades. Others will have an entire massive communities of friends. Others still will oscillate during different periods of their lives. All of these may be true for different people; there is no one right way to do this whole friends thing. There's just whatever feels correct and true and healthy for you.

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This post was prompted by Queercoin who asked the questions at the top of this post as part of their weekly contest. If you'd like to participate in this week's contest--click here.