Battling Insecurities: What it took to get to Bangkok

It wasn’t easy stepping into an experience I knew was going to change my life forever. As everything unfolded, I was simultaneously bracing myself and experiencing the whiplash. In that push and pull, I was also forced to confront my insecurities and limitations, ones I’ve hidden away from my comfortable life.

But hey, it was just a concert. Albeit a concert abroad, it was still just a concert. All I had to do was figure out the logistics of one international trip and enjoy my three days there. Other people can do that so easily. Surely, I could too.

What it takes to make a dream come true

Despite my sweaty palms and the strong urge to dissociate, my sister and I were able to secure tickets for the SUGA AGUST D concert in Bangkok, Thailand. The bloodbath caused by the demand, the financial limitations, all the possible technical difficulties - we were all able to overcome that, earning a spot in the purple ocean that would get to see Min Yoongi perform for his first solo world tour.

ᴘʜᴏᴛᴏ ᴏꜰ ᴏᴜʀ ꜱᴇᴛᴜᴘ ᴅᴜʀɪɴɢ ᴛɪᴄᴋᴇᴛɪɴɢ ᴅᴀʏ

In that moment, I felt like a hero, like the universe was making up for every bad thing that happened in my life. As a fangirl, I had made it and every atom in my body was shaking in joy and disbelief. It felt like a dream but at the same time, like things were merely falling into place like they should be.

There was just one tiny, very minor detail that I had to worry about. I lived in the Philippines and the concert was in Bangkok. Instead of a bus ride from the province to a big arena in the city, I had to ride a plane to another country. This was my new dilemma as a young adult who hadn’t gone abroad before and didn’t have many "real adults" to ask help from.

When you just can’t hack it with a spreadsheet

Thank goodness for spreadsheets! To prepare for the logistical and financial needs of the trip, my sister and I obsessively outlined our itinerary in a spreadsheet. That document contained everything we needed to know and track for our flight, concert and mini-vacation in BKK.

ᴘʜᴏᴛᴏ ᴘʀᴇᴠɪᴇᴡ ᴏꜰ ᴏᴜʀ ɪᴛɪɴᴇʀᴀʀʏ ɪɴ ᴏᴜʀ ʙᴋᴋ ꜱᴘʀᴇᴀᴅꜱʜᴇᴇᴛ

The goal of making the spreadsheet was to make sure we accounted for everything that had to be accounted for. We didn’t really have know-hows on flying internationally or on Thailand and its local culture, so with many uncertain factors like that, we wanted to make as much preparations as possible, just to be safe.

Of course, it’s impossible to be prepared for everything, but thinking of things ahead of time was a sort of mental safety blanket that allowed us to be more agile and relaxed when we were already there.

With a detailed organizational system in place, I expected the preparation for the trip to move with ease. After all, we made the system with the intention of covering all the bases. However, to my surprise, there was one more factor that I failed to pay attention to - the mental and emotional toll that the preparations were taking on my sister and I. In the span of the two months that we were on planning mode, we unknowingly unearthed insecurities that we didn’t know how to communicate to each other.

ᴘʜᴏᴛᴏ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ꜱɪꜱᴛᴇʀ ᴀɴᴅ ɪ, ᴛʜᴇ ᴛᴡᴏ ꜰᴀɴɢɪʀʟꜱ

Why we can’t just go on trips

A week before the trip, my sister and I finally broke down. There was an unspoken heaviness in the air and we couldn’t manage to feel excited for the events ahead. This isn’t normal, I thought and then asked her to sit down with me and talk about our feelings.

To make sense of the mental struggle we were experiencing, my sister and I listed down all the irrational thoughts we had about the upcoming days, anything at all that was bothering us. In ten minutes, I had a page full of concerns and a heart full of anxiety out in the open.

I could boil down my concerns into three main worries:

• I worry that I don’t have abundant resources to get through the trip.
• I worry that I am not capable/competent enough to manage the trip.
• I worry that I have to manage and control everything on my own.

Truth be told, I am an insecure young adult, in a sense that there are things about the adult world I’ve not had the privilege of figuring out yet. The image of an ideal adult that just knows things and has things - I’m super far from that. For one, I couldn’t claim to be financially stable and knowledgeable just yet, so any big expense frightens me. I perceive myself as someone who is limited by their current resources and so accordingly, I tend to clutch onto my resources tightly. This is rooted in the belief that my opportunities to earn are also limited and that what I have now, I may never have again later. (So imagine how I freaked out as I booked flight and accommodation tickets!)

Another “adulting” area that worried me was my “competency”. I went through a lot of firsts for this trip - first time to book a flight, to go through immigration, to exchange to a foreign currency, and to go around in a different country. There was so much I felt like I had to know just so the trip could even happen. It also didn’t help that I kept comparing myself to everyone else. Other people already knew these things. Other people went abroad so casually.

Lastly, my tendency to be hyper-independent became a major constraint. I struggled to share the burden, even with my sister. Because of that, I kept everything in and I tried to do all the hard parts by myself. I also had difficulties asking people for help. It was only during the latter part of my preparations that I told my friends about my plans and consulted them about it.

With these thoughts in my head, naturally, I didn’t have the mental space to be excited.

ᴘʜᴏᴛᴏ ᴏꜰ ᴜꜱ ᴀᴛ ᴛʜᴇ ᴅᴏɴ ᴍᴜᴇᴀɴɢ ɪɴᴛᴇʀɴᴀᴛɪᴏɴᴀʟ ᴀɪʀᴘᴏʀᴛ (ᴡᴇ ᴍᴀᴅᴇ ɪᴛ!)​

What I needed in my head instead

After writing and sharing our worries with each other, my sister and I challenged our thoughts. We looked for evidence against them, showing why they were irrational and not true. In doing this, I was able to prove that the situation wasn’t really as bad as I painted it out to be.

Through that reflection session, I was able to come up with a list of positive affirmations that really helped ground me. They reminded me of thoughts I could accept and helped me release those that were unhelpful. Here are some of them:

You have enough. This experience is a blessing given to you.
You can do things that are only comfortable for you. You don’t have to overexert yourself.
There is enough time to get ready. Everything will be done. You have prepared plenty.
You have space to make mistakes. Making mistakes won’t ruin the experience.
You are capable of making do in moments of need. You have done that before and you can do it again.
Despite the weakness you worry about, you have strengths that will help you pull through.
You are kind.
You are observant.
You are a good communicator.
You are a quick learner.
This experience doesn’t have to be perfect. There can be a next time.
You can rely on other people and ask for help. You are surrounded by good people.
Going on this trip is easy. You were given plenty of opportunities by the universe, without trying too hard.
The universe conspired to make this happen. You are exactly where you’re meant to be.
This is yours. No one can take this experience away from you.

ᴘʜᴏᴛᴏꜱ ᴏꜰ ᴍᴇ ᴀᴛ ᴀ ᴄᴀꜰᴇ ɪɴ ʙᴀɴɢᴋᴏᴋ (ɪ ᴡᴀꜱ ᴀʙʟᴇ ᴛᴏ ᴇɴᴊᴏʏ ᴀ ʟᴏᴛ!)​

As these new ideas floated inside my head for the next few days, I found myself feeling more joyful and grateful for the whole experience. I felt lighter too, significantly lighter. It’s like finally relishing the whole thing for what it really was - a blessing.

In the end, we were able to go to Bangkok. We were able to watch Yoongi’s concert. We were able to have fun. The scenarios I catastrophized didn’t happen and the hiccups I encountered were just that, hiccups I was eventually able to flush away.

Now, being a person who’s gone through all that, I’ve learned the importance of kindness. For my next trip or big experience, I’ll be sure to be kinder to myself. I’ll talk to myself kindly. I’ll set expectations kindly. If I am kind to myself, any experience automatically becomes a better one.

Hello internet friends! Thank you for reading. Do you have any worries as young adults as well? Any funny international trip stories? Comment below!

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