THE UNSENT LETTER FOR THE FIRST MAN IN MY LIFE. - the feelings of resentment, anger, guilt, pain, sadness

Hey, dad. How are you doing up there? It has been years hasn’t it? Since 2005. I’m sorry I never really talk about you since you left to be with our Lord years ago. I don’t really have any good memories with you to share with anyone to be honest… I tried to dig deep in my core memories while I was writing this but sadly I can’t find any meaningful ones.. except for when you sent me to school to get my education, put food on the table, provided a roof over my head and gave me clothes, did all these things as a father should. You know, all the bare minimum basic necessities.

I’m an adult now dad. Adulting is tough. I wish you could give me some fatherly advice right now. Or at least one piece of fatherly advice when you were still alive but sadly I don’t remember any. Or was it because I didn’t get any because of the family feud between us?

Dad, life is tough. And you were not there for me when I was reaching adulthood and I was so clueless about how does a true love should be and I’m afraid your daughter is gonna end up alone for the rest of her life lol and it’s all your fault. Your fault for never showing me how a real man should treat and love your own daughter when you were still alive. Your little princess. That little girl that you almost lost from your medication overdosed when she was two… sometimes I thought I'd rather die at that moment than suffer in a life full of domestic violence, witnessing my mom getting abused all the time.

They say most daughters will find their future husband that is similar to their father. If my future husband is similar to you I would rather die single, dad. I’d rather be single than finding a man like you. A man that made his wife cries all the time. I swear I will break this generational curses, dad.

The first time I saw you laid your hands on mom, it was when I was very young and that memory became engraved in my mind forever, you knock mom’s head hard on the corner of the table for some petty reasons that I don’t remember because I was too young… Do you remember, dad? That moment truly had shaken me to the core. And I was too young, I was still too innocent to hate you, no hate, but just fear, dad.

When I was a bit older, maybe during preteen, I remember you loved to sing. You loved singing so much. But you don’t love mom as much as you loved singing and music. You loved to hang out with your friends till late at night as if you’re still single. You came back drunk and hit mom almost every night. The moment you made mom wanted to stab herself with a knife was the moment I started to hate you, that drama with a knife that night was the final strike. From that moment on things have changed between us, you, me and the rest of my siblings, your other children. No more pleasant memories moments after that. I grew up distant and resenting you till the day you die. And mom still forgive you for what you did. Bless her heart. I thought I can never be like her.

There are more but I will not go into details about all the unpleasant memories anymore now because it is tough to even think about it. But here are the things that I wish you could’ve done for me. For us. Sorry I have to write it here but I didn’t have the chance to complain when you were still alive, dad.

I wish that you had spent more time with us.
I wish that you talked to us more and listened to how our day was.
I wish that you have cuddled us more and told us you loved us.
I wish that you never had such a bad temper. We were so scared of you dad!
I wish that you went for a therapy or counselling for the issues you had with mom but you always have such a big ego to ask for help.
I wish that you’re like those awesome and cool dads in movies; Protective, supportive, loving, wise…

I resented you so much even when you once called me few months before you died, I answered the phone like you didn’t matter. It felt awkward and unnatural that a father who never shows that he cared suddenly called me out of nowhere tried to reconnect. Even my instinct was telling me something was off about you but I ignored it. You told me you were in the hospital and sick but knowing you at that time, you were always have been sick and already have had some medications (ever since I was an infant) so I foolishly disregard you till it was too late. I even forgot what else you were trying to tell me at that time I wish I remember your final words! 😢

I didn’t know that I would cry so much on your funeral, dad. Even now it is still tough to imagine your face lying inside the coffin. How you looked as if you were sleeping. That was when I realized I am actually a bad daughter. The worst. For ignoring you when you were trying to reach me during your final days.

Some days I felt guilty. But there are some days that I also felt thankful. Thankful for the way you “raised” me to be a very independent tough woman. Your princess now is a queen, dad. And as a queen raised by another queen with the biggest heart I know, I forgive you and I love you. I know you are far from perfect, I thought I would hate you for that but now that you're gone I know that these tears that I shed means that I love you. Rest in peace, dad. 💔

Tears