Roller coaster of Emotions: Anger and Gratitude

a picture of me at the NYSC orientation camp, Abia State

I opened my eyes yet again to another day in this place. “What have I done to deserve this?” I thought to myself. What did I expect? To have disappeared or probably woke up in my bedroom, finding out that everything that has been happening for the past one month was a dream?

When I first got to Asaga village, I thought my world was crumbling. Everything I had planned to do slipped out of my hand and the other thoughts of hope I tried to hold on to turned out to be vague eventually. I’ve always wanted to be stable in life. I always yearn for comfort and stability. I wanted my life to go a certain way, less bumps and more patterns. I clearly understood that life would never go in a smooth and straight path but still I always try to avoid the bumps and fly above the pits.

me on the day I left the orientation camp for Asaga village

However, when I arrived in Asaga, it was as though smoke clouded my vision, I saw myself to be at the lowest point of life. I was angry. I could be labeled “the saddest,” comfortably. I guess I wouldn’t have been so sad if being in the village was the only circumstance that I had to face. Is it not just to compromise? To live less.. for a little while? A sprinkle of acceptance here and a chunk of adaptation there? What more is there? But I had to face another challenge of settling down.

“It’s just a year,” I said. Murmuring words to myself under the white thick duvet at the hotel in Ebem. I covered myself completely with the duvet leaving out no part for air. I squeezed the thick duvet over my head again and in the midst of the war in my mind, I was able to utter another statement. This time like an affirmation. “In fact, it’s just ten months and a few weeks left.”

I had just started my journey but I was already counting when it would end. “I never wanted to be here,” I said again. I felt a huge burning sensation around the inner part of my jaw, my whole mouth was heavy and a tear dropped down my cheek from my right eye. I wanted to talk, I wanted to express myself, I wanted to shout, I wanted to reject boldly and give up on the entire service but deep down I knew I could do it, I knew I had to get through it because it’s just for a year. I am not the first and won’t be the last to go through it.

Furthermore, just as my right eye was in great contact with my left eye, it begged it to drop its own tear and many other tears followed from both eyes. I can say for a fact that more than 50% of those who registered for NYSC in Nigeria and posted to their respective place of primary assignments feel something around this emotion.

The feeling of anger, the feeling and act of survival in an entirely new and uncomfortable place. I was angry. I thought to myself that “Should I just let everything I do be on pause?”I thought to pause my whole life to live like a completely different and hopeless individual till the service year was over. Oh I cried. I cried so much that I fell ill afterwards. I felt a rush of ache taking over my entire head. Every organ in my head felt the pain, the inflammation and the change.

Later that morning, I went to have my bath, spoke with a pharmacist and began taking my medications. I did not write this whole thing to talk about how repulsive I feel about living here or how I shut myself out against the world because I wanted to serve my fatherland, however, you’re reading this right now because I’m exceptionally grateful for how far I’ve pushed life. Went against fear head on and won.

a picture of me 6 months in

It’s been six months and one thing I’ve learned about life is that it is never predictable because why don’t you bring me a man that would tell me what’ll happen in the next 1 minute, I’m waiting!

No one knows tomorrow.

When I looked back at the state I began my NYSC journey with, I realized that I have all of the reasons to be grateful. I started off as if I wouldn’t survive it, even through all the rollercoaster of eventful happenings, I still am here healthy and doing just fine.

It’s been six months of not-so-sweet experiences, I mean a lot of bitter memories and a few of sweet memories but above all, I’m so grateful for coming this far. And I know that in the twinkle of an eye, the second half would be over too.

I really want to use this medium to tell you to LET GO. Let go of the thoughts and things that you cannot control. Holding onto them would do absolutely nothing than to break you.

One of the things I used as coping mechanisms was to find happiness in my inner self and not specifically in physical things. I had long forgotten that since things didn’t go my way. Finding joy doing the little things that matter. I redirected the energy fueling my anger into something productive. I learnt a new skill. Picked up a new hobby. I talk to the people I love. I don’t bottle my emotions. I journal about most of my experiences. Fixing my inner eyes on my purpose. And I feel good.

I read somewhere that what doesn’t break you make you and the stones thrown at you can eventually become the stepping stones to your greatness. I’ve made meaningful connections here, met some amazing people and the happiness I got from that can never be traded for anything.

a picture of me

I really cannot wait to break to you that I’ve completed the other half of my national youth service corp. Thank you for reading.

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