@josephforest, my friend, can I be honest with you? Respectfully, I will say this. You can analyse it ot just ignore it, but I just read your post, and in my honest opinion you're now in a chronic depression. I mean, you symptoms describe pretty much. Either if you can afford a therapist or not, I believe a conductualism therapy of psychology it will provide you of tools to overcome this mixed feeling. Negative, mostly,