You Can’t Compare…

Image is mine

I think the one time I was compared so much to anyone was in my Teenage years. I was already struggling with a facial condition that did numbers on my self esteem. It did not help that I was in the choir of a church where all the members seemed to do was remind me of my failures.

As a young girl, I joined a choir in a church I attended back then. Quite right, I was still very young and immature but that’s the point. I was only 12. Of course I was immature. I did not see it that way then and believed that I was more stupid than I was immature. I was senseless and acted like a hooligan. I was always compared to the other girls.

Divine, your mates won’t do this

Your mates won’t do that. At your age…

Just rubbish talk! Makes my blood boil now that I think about how these people really made me look down on myself for acting my age. What 12 year old is supposed to think mature? I was quite loud, very energetic and buzzy. All this I would be told were flaws and I should act like this person or that person.

That was in Church. It wasn’t so different in school where my teachers would insult me for being too open with my thoughts and failing to realize when I should not say anything at all. How was I supposed to know that?

Anyway, before I go into a full blown rant, I’d say I have only experienced the negative parts of comparison. While I know that there is the other part of it that can lead to healthy competition and self improvement, I did not experience it until my later years.

One good thing is that my mom never compared me to anyone. She never asked me to behave like A or think like B, she would correct me and nothing more. She might get scathing with her words but she has never compared me to anyone. And for that I am grateful. It wasn’t the same outside though especially in church.

I loved to sing and joined the choir but then I would freeze in front of the crowd and sing rubbish. It’s like my brain would just stop working.

I would never hear the end of it from the fellow members. I couldn’t raise my head high as far as they were concerned and the star singer was always a point of reference to my lack of talent. Not to mention she was beautiful. Tall, slender, soft spoken with a quiet temperament. She was everything I wanted to be back then. And I tried so hard. I tried to be her.

Image credit: DIGC Kaduna (used with permission)

I spoke less, refused to express myself, practiced in my room for hours till my voice cracked, yet, there was nothing I could do about my face. Hers was baby smooth, mine was…well, the map of Cameroon. I couldn’t see myself as beautiful no matter how hard I tried and that just killed whatever confidence I had.

But fast forward to years later, I’m in a church where I’m not in the choir because I was scarred for life. I heard the choir sing and realised that while I did a few things wrong, I was not as terrible as these people made me think I was. I made mistakes and that was it.

Honestly, comparison kills. I finally understood how to channel my emotions from comparing to improving. When I meet someone who seems to have it better than I do, I don’t immediately beat myself down anymore. Rather, I try to look into their blueprints and find why it is so especially if we are in the same field or group.

Since I began to do this, I discovered that most of these people always have some form of support or something. They can focus on school without worries because Mom and Dad would make sure of it. They can focus on growing their side hustle because they don’t have to worry about rent, food or even tuition.

Image is mine

It’s not the same for me. I came up with nothing and almost zero support. Everything I am now, everything I have, I worked for with sweat and tears (and God on my side). So comparing myself to anyone is nothing but a waste of time.

Yes I might doubt my abilities sometimes but I don’t ever make the mistake (anymore) of thinking someone is better or more prettier or more desirable.

I am me and that’s all that matters. The way I see me, I learned, is the way the world will see me. Plus, I say it again, no one can think, act or speak like I do. You can’t be me no matter how you try because we were created with different unique qualities.

And a shout out to my Mother who never once compared me to anyone. She taught me never to do that with my children.

In conclusion, comparing yourself to anyone is all a waste of time. All you’d do is get angry either at yourself or at the world. For a healthier and more purposeful life, live as you. Don’t try to be anyone else. You’re perfect as you.

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This is my entry to the 13th Day of the August INLEO monthly initiative in the Emotions & Feelings Community.