Kids are supposed to have fun and great memories they can happily share with their friends and loved ones as they try to reminisce. Unfortunately, some kids had the opposite. Some, like myself, had those memories we wish we could bury 6 feet below the ground. Despite being so unpleasant, some of these memories could still give valuable lessons to those whose ears are willing to listen or eyes that are willing to read.
This story that you are about to read is something that happened to me a very long time ago. Embrace yourself as it will be a long one, so be sure you are ready to spend 7 minutes on this.
I was only around 8 or 9 when I had this obsession with dying at a young age. I even used to pray to God to take my life and give it to someone more worthy to live than I. Due to this obsession, I spent most of my early childhood years in my room, planning how to end my life without suffering for too long.
You might be wondering why the obsession at a very young age. Honestly, I was born with a disability, and as a child, it made me think that my life was worthless and that I didn't belong on this planet Earth. Although I grew up with a loving family and had a couple of friends, this still didn't change how I felt about myself.
The obsession started when I finally attended school. This was where I got bullied every day. Seeing other kids making fun of me, calling me names, and blaming my parents for being this made me want to disappear instantly. So when I was around 8 or 9 years old and saw quite a few movies about how people die, it got me thinking of trying it myself to end my own misery.
But before you feel sorry for me, know that this article is supposed to be funny. I am aware that a topic like this is quite sensitive, and people shouldn't make fun of it, but it's just that my crazy ideas/experiences were just too priceless that even my nieces couldn't stop laughing about it.
So let me share it with you about my suicidal attempts that made my nieces laugh like crazy:
Drowning myself in a bucket full of water
One time, the house was empty. I mean, no one was around except me. Perhaps, mom was in the market, dad was at work, and my brother was with friends. My other 3 siblings, well, they attended high school/college miles away from home.
From that moment on, I realized this was my chance to execute my plan. So I went to the kitchen, checked the bucket, filled it up, and started preparing myself for my next move. When everything was ready, I knew I had to do it quickly before someone caught me in the act. So I immediately sat next to the bucket and pushed my head into the water. I even pretended that someone actually did it instead of me doing it.
I wanted to die so bad that I tried to focus on achieving my goal. After a few seconds of trying, I came to my senses and realized I badly needed air. While trying to hold my breath, my brain was also telling me I needed to breathe. So as much as I wanted to hold my breath for another 20 seconds, I decided to get up and stop what I was doing. Since then, I realized dying by drowning myself in a bucket of water wasn't a good idea and definitely, not a painless way to end my miserable life.
Strangling myself with dad's belt
Hanging is one of the common ways to commit suicide. Since I was small (and am still), I didn't know how or where to hang myself that would surely end my life. Then I got lucky and found my dad's belt. I find belts as a great alternative tool to end life.
Of course, I made sure no one was around. I didn't want to get caught because that would put me in great trouble. I then started strangling myself with my dad's belt. Unfortunately, it was only causing so much pain around my neck and didn't kill me instantly. I couldn't bare the pain, so I gave up and planned for my next move.
Slitting my poor wrist
Sometimes, looking at our kitchen knives made me think of bad things like stabbing my heart. However, that would need a lot of courage to do and as a kid, I barely had any. So instead of stabbing, I came up with another plan and that was to slit my wrist.
Unlike the first one, I realized that wrist-slitting was much easier for me to pull off. So one time, I took a knife, went to my room, and tried to do it. Then I suddenly remembered that I hated seeing my own blood. I also just couldn't do it.
The crazy idea
Then another crazy idea came up to me. This was a prank I made for my mom. I just wanted to see her reaction, whether or not she would rush to my room when she heard a loud bang. So one day, my mom was in the kitchen preparing for lunch, and I got the idea to prank her. I took a kitchen knife, ketchup, water, and a red ballpen. I mixed water with ketchup that would serve as my fake blood. I also drew a red line on my wrist using my red ballpen. This would serve as the cut. I poured some fake blood onto my wrist, knife, and some on the floor. Then I pretended to collapse on the floor.
The plan was to see how my mom would react if she heard something unusual in my room. After I collapsed, I waited patiently for my mom to check on me. She didn't come, so I waited and waited and waited, and waited till I got tired of waiting. I got up, went to the kitchen, and asked her why she didn't check on me. She was confused and then showed her my wrist. She was mad at me, but not enough to rant at me.
I was disappointed, to be honest, but she was busy in the kitchen and probably didn't hear me. Oh well.
Closing thoughts
Looking back at this memory makes me laugh now. I couldn't believe I had those crazy moments in my life, even at an early age.
Kids are supposed to have fun memories, but unfortunately, I'm one of those who had gone through some tough childhood years. It wasn't easy, especially for my situation, but still grateful that I had those things in the past that made me who I am now: not as a weakling, but as someone who knows how to fight her own demons.
The last time I tried to commit suicide was in my 20s. Thank God, He didn't let it happen. Since then, I realized that I have to learn to love myself, to love my flaws, to accept the things I can and cannot do, and, of course, to know that God made me this for a reason.
All photos included in this article are mine and/or edited on canva unless stated otherwise.
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You are quite right when you say that most children should have positive memories. It really amazes me, all the things you went through and I'm so glad that all your attempts failed.
Self-love is sometimes hard for us but recognising what we are worth and holding on to them, always helps.
I loved your post and the way you explained these difficult situations. Blessings and all the best to you 🙂🙃✨🌟🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
I totally agree with you. Loving yourself and all your flaws was never easy. It will take years to finally be able to accept everything good and bad about yourself.
Anyway, thank you for your positive feedback and of course, for reading my post. Much appreciated.
I'm glad you kept failing, and that you seem to be happy now.
I'm glad it went all a failure. This also gives me a realization that some failures are meant to happen for a better cause. :) Thank you for reading, Scott.
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You are in a better place now and that's the important thing.
That is so true. It's all in the past now.
Awe, I suddenly felt sad sis, kasi i was once a bully victim as well and that's the reason why sobrang naapektohan pag aaral ko na muntikan na akong hindi makagraduate Ng high school. Mahirap talaga ang bullying and I am glad that those attempts keeps on failing. I think you're just really having fun kasi if kung gusto mo talagang mamatay, I think hindi mo na iisipin ang sakit, ang iisipin mo nalang ay ang after, yun ay ang mamatay. Kids imagination are sometimes weird and scary as well 😜🤣😜
Yeah. I think so too sis. Glad hindi ganun ka serious ang mind ko before. Aw, you were a victim of bully din pala. May I know how they bully you?
I have tried this many times for only testing how much time i can stay underwater not for the suicidal intended 😂.
That's right. We all do many things which seems to be serious that time but it seems funny when we think those incident later 😂.
Haha. High five!
I'm happy you survived that phase in your life maamsh.
Salamat sis. Grateful to still be alive and kicking now. Hehe.
Though you've broached a quite sensitive topic here the attempts were quite hilarious. Couldn't stop laughing at the drowning via a bucket stunt.😂😂😂
Haha. I know, right?! It was so funny to think about that moment. Glad I survived. Hehe
I'm glad you did survive those trying periods.
Yesterday, a friend shared some news about a 12 year-old boy who committed suicide by swallowing a pesticide. He immediately attributed it to some spiritual stuff. It took me an hour to convince my friend that kids do go through hard times too. Your story corroborated my claim. I'll be showing him your post tomorrow so that he will understand my points and learn to look out for his kids.
Oh my!!! Yes, please. Ask your friend to keep an eye of him or any of his children. Kids do experience depression too. It's not just the adults. A relative of mine's kid also committed suicide, and he was only between 9-12. This happened a few years back tho.
Mental health issues for kids is very real, we often overlook it because we assume they are still too little to understand. Thank you for this enlightening piece.
And thank you for reading this and for sharing your thoughts about it.
You are welcome, ma'am. I'm actually the one who is richly blessed with this piece, it led me down some paths I never really thought existed before now. I've been more careful with my little ones ever since.
Big big hugs MJ!
Thank goodness those were Epic fails!!!
It is good that we can look back on things we have done and have a laugh about them.
I am very happy to have to know you and very happy that you MJ are in fact very much
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meaning ngayon pa lang nag blo-bloom si MJ. yieee
Haha. Late bloomer daw kasi ako. 😅
Wow such a difficult childhood, it's true our childhood must be of funny memories. I'm glad you overcome this situation and now you have strength, it was kind o funny your failing attempts,hopefully. Now you are telling a story the invite us to keep going. Great post I enjoyed it a lot.
Thank you so much for reading my article. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
As for the failing part, it only proves one thing, failing something you badly want isn't always a bad thing. They happen for a reason and mostly, for your own greater good. You just have to trust the process. :)