Why is this so hard???

If you don't enjoy posts looking for help, please skip on by. It feels as though I have weights in my fingers while I am typing this and I know I have a problem. My problem is that it is extraordinarily difficult for me to ask for help. What has spurred me into action though is I need to ease my husband's stress, and for that I am just going to have to risk the muscle strain typing with weights on my fingers will cause. (Yes, yes humour is a defense mechanism!)

I am not looking for donations, my problems seem so minor compared to others. I would appreciate upvotes and resteems more than you could know. As regular readers of my blog know we have been struggling with our small business since 2008. We were sucked into the easy credit of the years prior to 2008, and after the shit hit the fan, we have been left picking up the pieces ever since.

(I really didn't know what kind of picture to use in a post like this???!!!)

Our small secondhand shop and online sales does make enough money to support us, but the debt always looms over us, and since we are in retail, a few quiet months (or even days) can be disastrous as we fall behind quickly. We are slowly shedding our debt and Steemit has helped a bit in this regard, for which I am so grateful it is difficult to put in words. I have been a consistent contributor to Steemit since late July 2016, but I have never hit the trending page, or even the hot page much. That's okay, as my posts will not appeal to everybody and I understand that. The slogan "come for the money, but stay for the community" is perfectly relevant in my case. Additionally for me, Steemit has become an outlet for my feelings and budding artistic (haha again) tendencies. 

I have learnt to cope with my stress (mostly) over the last 10 years. I have had to. I nearly died 10 years ago and had to learn to change my coping methods in order to prevent, um, a recurrence. My pain at this moment is seeing the immense strain on my husband's face. We have a huge debt to pay by the end of the week and we are not sure if we are going to make it. This has put all thoughts of Christmas on hold, even though my sister from overseas is visiting for the first time in 10 years. I still need to organise food and a few small presents too and have no idea how I am going to do that.

My husband is a special gentle and quite charismatic person who works extraordinarily hard. He feels emotions so deeply and stress affects him desperately. As each day passes I can see the signs of strain etched in his face. I can feel his energy diminishing, and I feel helpless. He is busy with the massive job of moving everything out of our house to the new business premises and although he is 51 years old he is physically very strong, but the mental strain is leeching that strength. We have been together since 1989 and he is my soulmate. It is time for me to look after him right now.

We have an appalling credit record, though we have managed to avoid defaulting completely on anything for 10 years. For this reason my husband had to borrow money from a private person, and the stress of not being able to pay that person at the end of the week is unbelievable. We owe him R20 000 ($1570) and will probably be able to raise R8000 - R10 000 of that amount in the shop, though yesterday and today have been worryingly quiet. The value of SBD makes this a little more achievable at the moment. I sold 20 SBD yesterday which provided me with R3000, but I had to use that money for an account. It is for this reason I am asking for upvotes and resteems. I realise the payout for this article will only come next week, but I am hoping to lend money against the payout. It is all I can think of.

Now, why is this so hard??? I know why, I think. I am the maternal figure in the family. I am a mom and I look after everyone. I have 3 amazing children, who are the most content and unspoilt children, though they are given few luxuries, and I have never taken them for a holiday, ever. We haven't gone away in 14 years. I am the maternal figure to our staff, especially as they have all worked for us for periods of 8 years - 20 years. I am the oldest of 3 siblings, and I am fiercely protective of my brother and sister. My parents also stay with me, who I jointly financially support with my sister, even though it is very difficult to afford. I am the rock in friendships.

I am the helper. 

I think this is the root of my problem, and yes it is a problem, because I need to go that extra step to help my family. I am not ashamed of not having material goods, or even holidays, though I feel bad for my kids. I think it is important we share our suffering so that others can know they are not alone. This time it is me, asking for help in the form of resteems and upvotes. 

If you have read this far, then thank you.

@onetree