I have had a REALLY rough year. I won't get into why, or spill the story out in the open. But it's been a bit much. Sometimes people plague me with their inner tyranny, their need to be "better than," and their zombie like qualities. But today I have something kind to say about human nature, even in a world gone mad, and in the midst of my growing cynacism.
Today I sent out an honest, emotional letter to my mailing list. It was one that I didn't want to send because it was me admitting to failure. I put it all out there. I hovered over the send button for 5 minutes, my inner editor in my head saying "don't do it man!" but my heart won the battle. Sometimes it takes more strength to be honest and vulnerable than it does to protect, pretend, cover up, and suppress emotions. I pushed send.
I've hit a wall emotionally and financially, and I've been spinning my wheels in the mud trying to search for truth. I've made a hundred documentary shorts, one full length movie, several music videos, and two full length albums. I threw a lot of darts at the board but they didn't stick. I've been doing full time activism, while ignoring my basic needs in life. I was about a week away from being without a home, without seemingly any new way to make money, and no energy to start yet ANOTHER project.
I've been fighting on the front lines of free speech, exploring esoteric and unorthodox history, researching alternative healing, making orgonite, and pushing back against the rollout of the toxic "smart grid" and "fracking." I've been trying to help however I can out there while struggling in HERE. I forgot to take care of myself. My money, health, energy, resources, all severely depleted.
Meanwhile, I deleted my YouTube channel today, because they have been ghost banning, censoring, throttling my view counts, and they removed me from the suggested videos algorithm on YouTube. The PC gremlins have been actively working against me and MANY others that want to explore unpopular speech and wrong think. I just feel like I've been hitting my head against a brick wall for about 6 years now. I learned a TON, but I've got to write a new chapter to avoid a predictable ending.
Ironically, I got involved in the search for truth accidentally. I was writing a book and my protagonist was a conspiracy theorist. I had to research and catch up on the latest material floating out in cyber space in order to be authentic. But I wasn't prepared to find so much compelling evidence, so many rabbit holes to go down! I got derailed from my book and saturated in the research because I was intrigued and compelled. Truth can be quite magnetic, even when it's dark and murky. Interesting how imagination and creativity can lead to a search for truth.
I've become a better human being; I gained morality, I work harder, I understand some of the mysteries that used to vex me. I'm far from perfect, but I'm proud of who I have become. I just forgot to take care of the pragmatic aspects of life and I got totally out of balance. I sent out a note letting my mailing list in on the struggle, letting them know I feel giving up after 6 years of making videos, content, music, documentaries, writing articles. But not just those things; I let them know I was at rock bottom on a personal level.
I didn't send out a highly edited email, but an emotional plea. My friends and past customers and music supporters FLOODED me with letters of support, encouragement, kindness and donations. It made me realize, in a time of emotional and financial crisis, how fucking KIND people can STILL be in this crazy world. I'm writing this in tears and I don't give a shit how that sounds or what folks might think of me.
It wasn't JUST the money either, but the job offers, the open ended invitations, the offers to buy groceries, food, to go see a movie, to hang out, to come stay with them for a while, to live with them; it was overwhelming. I didn't think anyone was listening anymore. I've been isolating and pulling back so much, I just figured my email would be largely overlooked. But it wasn't. It wasn't at all. I felt part of a community for the first time in years over the last few days. I really didn't expect all the support and it was pretty amazing.
I'm 6'8" 250 pounds, and a big teddy bear essentially. Past my anger, past my hurt, past my frustrations, I care. But I'm also known for being protective, inward, aloof, distant, and stubborn. You can't blame me as crazy as the world is out there. I've been avoiding the cities and avoiding people for the last year or two.
I felt like giving up today, not just with social media, but with life, with music, with hope. I've been in the throws of such a deep depression, I haven't seen a way out for years to be honest. Writing songs and having a beer with friends were the only things keeping me from jumping off a proverbial (if not real) cliff.
But after the MASSIVE display of affection from people I haven't heard from in years, as well as those I've never even met in person, I have to say, I have a restored hope for the human race. It totally changed my perspective. Sure, Mordor is at our door, and the gates are busted open, orcs spilling out into the night. But today someone cast a magic spell of healing, and sent an army of heavily armored friends to fight with me at the turn of the tide. OK, I'm a dork. And this is all metaphorical, I believe in peace not war. But the way of the PEACEFUL warrior can be just as daunting these days.
I just wanted to write this note to thank the empathetic people of the world. Please, stay that way. I want to thank the people that have the courage to stand up and speak the truth. I appreciate people who have an open mind, that care, that always try to do what's right in the face of unspeakable odds. Those of you who rallied to give support to a fallen brother, thank you. You kinda saved my life.
Right now, all I keep hearing is "Someone Saved My Life Tonight, Sugar Bear..." by Elton John. One of the most beautiful songs ever written, some of the best harmonies ever recorded, and a heart jerking, emotion filled, killer ballad. It seems so appropriate in the midst of these tears. But this time, tears of joy. I don't remember the last time I felt that particular emotion. It feels good.
Here's to the rebels, the renegades, the artists, the empaths, the kind hearted, the passionate, the truth seekers. The Indigo Children, the dreamers! Let's break open the good stuff, the single malt Scotch we've been saving for a special occasion. Fuck it, let's have a moment together, here in this British pub of my technicolor, imagination. Thank you my friends. You helped me more than you could ever know. Raise your glasses one time with me... Cheers!!! Sending love and paying it forward. I'll try to turn this gift into something magical. I promise.
Much love and deep respect,
G
Whao! Its so touching reading your story, man. Haven't felt this way in a while. I've had this post opened for a few days now but I've been too lethargic lately. I'm so glad I finally got to it.
Totally, funny a friend of mine just wrote a post about this. Brilliant dude! You should definitely check it out.
As an African living in a third world country, jobless after graduating college, I know a little about hardship and its not fun, man. Glad you got people around who loves you.
Do turn this challenge into something spectacular man, its quite a story you have here. Maybe one day they'll make a movie about it or something. Enjoy your vacation. Have fun. Do what you love to do. You'll be fine, man. We'll all be.
Wish you success in your endeavors, man. We'll all be better for it! I swear I'm tired too. Sometimes everything's just screwed up, but then again you read posts like yours and that one and you regain a little bit of faith.
Community's the greatest thing; people who are simpatico, whom you can laugh with and be happy with I hope you find that too, bro. You're loved, man. We'll be fine.
Cheers.
Ras! You're a guardian angel. Thanks for taking the time to read and show me the ropes around here. I think we've all experienced a little trauma on this planet. But things are starting to look up as you can see from my letter. It will take time and I've realized it may never totally go away. But it is a good teacher if you can get through the lesson. Talk soon my brilliant friend!
I wish i had a long sweeping, empathetic rhetoric as a reply.
I don't.
This is heart wrenching and beautiful.
You are beautiful
You are beautiful as well, kind, empathic, understanding. Someone who doesn't feel this is home either. Welcome! Glad to have you with us! I appreciate you very much. Cheers!
You are loved!! Never forget that, G
Thank you, back to ya! Love, G
I loved reading your post. It gives me a tad of hope to know that there is still much kindness in this world. I know I have felt lost more than once, and you are right. Sometimes all it takes is an act of kindness to help us out of our troubles. Thank you for your honesty.
Thanks for the comment, well said. I feel the same way, sometimes it's the little things that all add up to one really BIG thing that tips the scales. I appreciate ya. Much love!
It sounds like you got "wanna change the world syndrome", I can relate. But the world only changes when we change ourselves, otherwise we keep hitting brick walls. I have taken a few approaches to sharing what I have to share and it's been wild ride. And I'm still trying to focus on changing myself rather than getting stuck in what sucks and what is difficult.
First I tried to be an indie musician, then i ran from the spotlight and all forms of commercialism and ended up a half assed street musician activist, then I tried to force myself back into society and do music and writing on the side, now I'm kind of taking whatever opportunities come, whether it be an opportunity to help me build up funds through other work or if it's a chance to share my work or improve my art. But I make sure never to do something that rubs me the wrong way, and if it does I just turn it down no matter how good it sounds. It's getting easier and easier, and shit, I would love to brainstorm ways of making it smoother and more fun.
You have an awesome energy of honesty and integrity and a bunch of other good stuff I can't see clearly enough to put my finger on. Glad Ras sent me your post.
We have some parallels and similarities my friend. I'm stubborn and I stick to my integrity as well. It doesn't work out too well financially, but we have our souls intact don't we? I would say that's pretty valuable. Yes, I had "save the world" syndrome. That didn't work out too well but I followed my heart and did my best. Now I have to regroup, refuel, refocus, and remember that laughter and joy and happiness are just as valid as any of the problems that exist in the world. I had a wrong focus with a good heart. That can be an energy drainer for sure! But I appreciate you and Ras is the best. Any friend of Ras is a friend of mine. Plus, your comment is spot on mate. Welcome! And thank you.
Oh my goodness! You have no idea how worried I have been about you! I so wish I could have done more to help you. You live so far away from me but when I read your email my heart sank and tears fell. I wanted so much to really reach out to you, hug you, tell you it will all work out, but I just didn't know how. I hate email and even commenting like this. It's so impersonal. I wanted to give you a real hug, not a virtual one. I have even thought of contacting Zen to have him check on you as you said you were friends. I have sent you my prayers to give you courage to get through this time. I too had such a "dark night of the soul" several years ago, that I was convinced that the world would be a much better place without me. I came so close to ending it all. But somehow I pulled myself out. And I'm filled with joy and relief that you wrote this. I had completely forgotten about Steemit until today while doing some internet cleanup and saw a post from a while ago that you made. Please know, that you are always loved, even when you don't feel it, and don't feel it for yourself. And there ARE angels watching out for you, you have no idea (well maybe you do).
I'm still sending you all the love and healing I know how to do. I'm on your email list so if you ever need or want to email me I hope you know you can.
So much love and a big virtual hug!
Lynn
Lynn, you are clearly an empath. You feel other people's emotions and it weighs heavily on you. That is a gift even though it feels like a curse sometimes. I know because I am one as well and I have to keep reminding myself not to take on more than I can handle. That's a tough balance, always has been. I appreciate your kind words, your big heart, and your reaching out to me. It helps and things are starting to look up. I appreciate you and much love!
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NOTIFYThe long term solutions and income: I have to figure that part out. But the immediate crisis was averted by the actual care of the folks on my mailing list. Ultimately, I think human nature is one of kindness and empathy. We just got hijacked along the way, but this force still exists as a bright light in a world gone mad. I can attest to that first hand. The Jedi were not destroyed!
Oh, this post is worth far more than 57 cents!
I've been struggling too for years, in maybe different ways but with the same overwhelm and depression. And I've cut myself off too. There's so much chaos out there and I think these times hit creative souls hard. It's easy to give into despair.
It was so heartening reading of the response of people on your mailing list to your email, and brave of you to send it!
Thank you for the love. Yeah, no worries. I'm not on Steemit to make money. If something nice happens and I do, it's just a bonus. But lots of good responses and kind comments here, that's plenty reward for me. But now you also see why I'm usually broke. lol Anyway, I appreciate you and thank you for opening up as well. Much love!