I feel drained and exhausted, I have cried and cried, because I tried to deal with something that I should have just walked way from. I should have walked way from this confrontation, because I do not have the strength to deal with any more grief in my life right now. But I didn't walk away, I let myself get caught up in the moment and dragged back into this toxic relationship. And now I sit here feeling like a shell, trying to not let the things that were said hurt me all over again.
It is hard to find common ground with someone, who has always made you feel, like you were never enough for them. Someone that always wanted more and more from you. I began my journey as a mother 10 years ago and it has been one of the most amazing experiences of my life, it still is. And everyday I have grown because of that. In the beginning it is hard trying to navigate your way, because you are no longer the person you once were, you are someone else and you need to discover who that is, who you are as a mother. It is so important to have someone who supports you in this, who wants to explore this journey of parenthood together with you. Because you need all the energy you have to go into that transition, to go into nurturing this little being that has come into your life.
In the beginning you are more or less attached to your child and that is how it should be. So it is often hard to find time for yourself, let alone your partner. What is really important is to have someone next to you who is willing to try and understand this journey, to let you find your way and then join you so that you both can grow together. Understanding and clear communication is so important. We all have to find our own way, a way that works best for us and for our children. I have often said that being a parent is one of the most important things that I will do , but it is not the only thing.
I have so many other things that are important in my life. The way I live, supporting women through birth, creating ceremonies, and always trying to live true to who I am. I am not perfect, I have my flaws like everybody else, I can get anger and say things that I later regret. I can push people away and I can be stubborn as hell when it comes to how I raise my children. I am very passionate about my responsibilities to my children and to the earth.
Today I had someone come and tell me that I am living a very privileged life, which yes I am aware of that. I live on land that provides food for me and my children, I live out of the system, I am with my children everyday. I am able to make just about enough money, to support me and my girls here. But just because I am privileged to live this way, does not mean it is not hard. I struggle sometimes to get everything done during the day, because first and foremost I have to meet my girls needs and I do, but that can leave very little time then for me to do other things. And there are loads of things that I want, lots of projects that I want to get off the ground so that me and my girls are financially secure. Yet there are not enough hours in the day and I am also trying to be gentle with myself,so that I do not burn myself out.
But to have someone come to you and completely undervalue all that you do, some one who was a part of your life for 11 years, that same someone who always made you feel like you were never enough for them. For them to come and dig up all the hurt and all the pain that was created inside that toxic relationship, then of course I am going to have a shit day. How else could it go. How can I talk to someone who never listens to me, who talks over me. To be honest I don't even really want to talk to him right now, because it is all too raw, it is all too painful still. I wish I had just walked away, but then I would not be here writing this and releasing some of that pain, I would still be carrying it inside of me.
What I will say, is that we really need to more present for one another when we go through, major life transitions. That each one of us is unique, our journey is unique, there is not only one way in which we should support one another. In fact we have no idea how to, until that moment arises, but expecting someone to nurture you, when you are not nurturing them is not how it works. To feel unsupported and alone in this transition is not the foundation for a healthy relationship. This works both ways, for both the mother and the father.
This is me sharing my part of my journey, my experiences, my emotions, and I can only do that, share what I have gone through. This confrontation today, brought all of this up and I need to process it and let it go. But I can honestly say I went through that transition into motherhood alone, again and again for each of my daughters births and that is such a shame. That is ultimately what made me grow apart from my partner, that and hearing that I was not doing enough, I was not enough for them.
8 Pillars of TribeSteemUp
Thank you for your vulnerability. I can relate to a lot of what you said and hear your struggle. I see your value and worth and admire your courage to share and to live a life you love, even when it’s hard. You are giving your girls life many dream of and you are working hard to do that so please give yourself some credit and yes, we must be gentle with ourselves. Even to just care for ourselves and 3 children is amazing!! The fact you strive for more is incredible💜 you are a goddess and I see you shining all the way out in Colorado
thank you @consciousangel7 for your words, they have lifted me and I really needed that right now xx
I’m glad! You are loved and you are worthy! Just the way you are 💜💙💕
Thank you for your vulnerability. I can relate to a lot of what you said and hear your struggle. I see your value and worth and admire your courage to share and to live a life you love, even when it’s hard. You are giving your girls life many dream of and you are working hard to do that so please give yourself some credit and yes, we must be gentle with ourselves. Even to just care for ourselves and 3 children is amazing!! The fact you strive for more is incredible💜 you are a goddess and I see you shining all the way out in Colorado
It felt as if I was sitting right in front of you listening as you spoke. That’s just how much I felt this, I can hear your hurt and disappointment through your words.
I’m glad you have this outlet, a community to share your journey and thoughts with. It always helps speaking things out loud. It saddens me hearing about all this pain and how you were left to motherhood alone. Then when I think about your accomplishments, living off grid in a natural environment, giving birth to your children naturally, providing their and your needs and inspiring/empowering other mothers to take back their births and to love their bodies. I truly believe that when you do good deeds and care so much about others that great things will come your way. Keep spending that energy being an amazing mother, teaching your children to love the life they have and being an inspiration to others that read your content. You have many communities backing you and that’s for a good reason. You are a valuable asset here and I always hope the best for you. I hope you feel a little better after getting that out. Keep blossoming my dear ~ 🌺
thank you so much @crosheille for your wonderful words and your encouragement, it means a lot xx
Always ~ ♥️
Ugh. What a shit. Rise above that my darling. Insensitivity is What it is, especially as you have gone through a lot and are doing the best you can and a damn fine job at that. Breath, let it be. We are here to support you, write away. I have held myself back from writing a lot of late but it's better to let it out rather than keep it in!!!
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thank you Rivers, I really do appreciate you xx
Thank you for baring your heart. You say we need to be more present for each other, and that's true - but perhaps we ultimately need to be even MORE present with ourselves, so that we don't need to project that feeling and need outwards. Much love to you, my dear... x
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Felt as you were narrating your story to us!!
yes in a way I was, thanks for dropping by @priyanka987 xx
thank you @artemislives, I agree with being present with ourselves, but as a new mum we do need the support of those around us to help us in this powerful transition, this is really where community is important and the support of loved ones if they are present. It is hard to have a loved one who is next to you but not supporting you xx
Even as you write about your struggle and hurt, you still write it with compassion. That says so much about you.
This is so true.
You are not being treated as you should, and there is no excuse! Negative feelings aside, and regardless of the past, he is in the wrong. As the mother of his children, and the one who provides constant love and attention and stability, he should be treating you with respect and thanking you for all that you do. He needs to shape up and start contributing something good to your lives and stop taking you all for granted.
This makes me so mad. I want to slap him with nettles!
That would be good for him. Kismet.
Wow, that was beautiful. That was raw. I appreciate you putting your experience into words for us to consume. Life is often tricky, and that's why it is nice that we don't have to face it alone. Thank you for sharing. Be well.