I think a lot about harm, the reparation of harm, and our roles and responsibilities as those who have been harmed, who harm others, and who witness harm. One of the most difficult ideas I wrestle with in this domain has to do with the rights, responsibilities, and path of those who have been harmed. Because survivors of harm occupy such a precarious and vulnerable space, it's essential that we hold their/our experience with compassion and care, while cultivating the conditions most conducive to their/our healing.
Conversations about harm often begin with a focus on the person who has caused harm, especially in cultures (like my own) which privilege retributive justice. While there is certainly much to say about causes, accountability, and reparation, I would like to begin here with some thoughts about the experience, (some of the) needs, and healing of the ones who have experienced harm, which (so far as I know) includes all of us.
Perhaps because of the profound sense of disconnection that comes with being harmed, othering, judgement, and a sense of moral superiority often ride in on its coattails. Reconnection to self, Source, the person who caused the harm (if appropriate and safe), and community can lead to healing for all involved. This reconnection often involves a movement through "us/them" thinking to empathy and a recognition of shared humanity. I believe that wholeness (two faces of which are connection and empathy) is our foundational essence, our original state before the inevitable experience of trauma begins to create rifts in our sense of connectedness to Source, to ourselves, and to others.
Saying that this movement from disconnection to reconnection is the "responsibility" of the person harmed is tricky territory, because we can no more prescribe empathy and connection than we can prescribe forgiveness. There can be no "should" here, because reconnection, like forgiveness, is a process that must happen from the inside, from a place of courage, strength, readiness, and safety, rather than from a sense of coercion or obligation. It is never helpful to levy judgement on others' willingness or ability to heal, forgive, or cultivate resiliency. There are myriad factors involved in each of our paths to healing, both from specific instances of harm and in a broader, lifelong sense, and many of those factors are invisible to others. Our individual paths are ours alone to evaluate and reckon with.
This topic invariably invites a conversation about victim-blaming, which I see as a symptom of clouded understanding (not to mention disconnection). I would like to stress the importance of discerning between blaming the victim, which adds violence and compounds harm, creating a further barrier to healing, and offering support to those who have experienced harm, helping to create a safe space in which they can, in their own time, cultivate a clear understanding of their role in the experience and empower themselves to seek reconnection in the ways that make sense for them.
I'm currently laboring under the theory that a large part of the work we are called to as sovereign beings is to experience harm from all sides (causing, experiencing, witnessing) and do the difficult work of moving through trauma to the healing on the other side. As far as I can tell, this involves a commitment to refraining from committing harm, and to addressing and healing the harm that has been done to ourselves and others.
What have you learned about moving through harm to wholeness? Have you experienced a sense of reconnection to yourself, to others, or to your community as a result of the harm/healing you've experienced? I invite your thoughts and experiences on this topic as I clarify my own understanding of it.
It certainly is a fine line to walk between victim blaming and what I refer to as total responsibility. I think the key difference is whether the idea is coming externally or internally, and how ingrained & strong the victim's sense of sovereignty is.
When someone wrongs me, I immediately go to the place of "how did I create this for myself", "what in me would lead to the kind of behavior this other is showing", and "where/what is the lesson & the healing this situation is bringing to awareness for me".
However, to ask any of those questions of a victim could very well be taken as victim blaming if that human is living life as though it were happening to them, rather than a manifestation of their internal world.
The two things that this piece most calls up for me are Radical Forgiveness by Colin Tipping & the Hawaiian concept of Hoʻoponopono.
Agreed. I think it's important to keep in mind that victim blaming does not only happen externally; internal self blame is a common consequence of trauma, especially sexual trauma. Your inner monologue to me speaks to your ability to shoulder accountability without self blame, which is a powerful skill/gift. Blaming and shaming are never helpful responses to harm (or anything at all, really), whether they come from within or without, and I think that even assignation of fault is an unhelpful concept -- it's possible to explore what harm has occurred and who is accountable for making reparations without deciding whose "fault" something is.
I can also imagine how some of those same words might be tinged with shame or self blame in another person's inner monologue, and I think you're right that the difference may have something to do with one's perceived locus of control. Another vital ingredient is self compassion: are we able to extend compassion to ourselves in instances of perceived inadequacy or failure? Or do we go to a place of fault, unworthiness, or badness? If the latter, we might have more healing to do (and deserve some compassion, from self and others, because of that) before we can can tackle the work of learning to become more accountable in the way we make sense of and integrate our experiences.
I think there are also layers here. To take an example: if a kid clocks another kid in the face at recess, on the most superficial (but still important) level, the kid who used violence was in the wrong and needs to be held accountable. No matter what the other kid did, violence cannot be a justified response, and it would be inappropriate to imply that the kid who got hit brought it on himself.
On a deeper level, it may also be true that there were things in play within the kid who got hit (his relationship to himself and the world, the way he shows up in it, and the ways in which he relates to others) that did in fact play a role in the situation unfolding the way that it did. These are questions for him to consider and tease apart in his own inner work, perhaps over the course of a lifetime, perhaps with the loving assistance of those close to him.
Very true, I hadn't really considered the victim-blaming that might be done by the victim themself. I definitely find there is a very important and powerful distinction between "fault" and "responsibility", at least in my own way of viewing things.
Fault seems to carry with it an intrinsic wrong-doing by the person who is at fault, where responsibility feels more like a simple recognition of the cause & effect nature of our reality.
I think the cultural & traumatic nature of so much violence is such a massive, glaring piece that many don't take into account enough. Luckily, approval & use of "corporal punishment" (assault) has been on the decline for the past decade, but according to surveys over 50% of Americans still think that is an acceptable & effective method of discipline. Between that and the "heroism" pinned to professional violence-doers, it's no wonder that kids (and adults) resort to violence when triggered.
So very true, and one of the most foundational concepts of my entire philosophy :-)
I like that distinction; I'm always trying to put a finer point on the distinction between fault and accountability, because I think it's an important (if often subtle and confusing) one.
Agreed (of course) that the violence that is taken for granted as normal and even sometimes as necessary in our world is inherently traumatic, and is connected to / gives rise to other forms of systemic violence. I love practices like NVC and Compassionate Listening because they shine a light on the violence that arises in our thoughts and in our language, helping us to become more aware of and uproot these most subtle beginnings of violence and tolerance for violence.
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