"What can I say, the man likes ass."
Rafah, September 16 - Diplomats around the region and world scrambled today following the latest collapse of talks aimed at achieving an agreement between the Jewish State and Hamas over the possible release of Israelis and others that Hamas kidnapped last October 7 and what, if any, military withdrawal the IDF would implement as part of such an agreement - because the leader of the Gaza-based terrorist group will accept no proposal that does not include a provision allowing him to continue having sex with his most prized she-ass.
Sources close to Hamas chief Yahya Sinwar disclosed the leader's frustration this week that neither Israel nor the mediators of the talks appear to appreciate the importance of Safa, as he calls her, in any arrangement to reach a ceasefire.
"Brother Sinwar has not shown this much anger since Jannah ran out of virgins," revealed Hamas-affiliated journalist Fafo Alfarawi. "With each airstrike or artillery barrage, Safa comes closer and closer to not surviving this conflagration. The tens of thousands of Palestinians already lost in this war are a price he is willing to pay, many time over if necessary, but that donkey - well, he sees her as special. They share a bond as well as a bed."
Unconfirmed reports indicate the Sinwar has on occasion gone without his otherwise-permanent retinue of human-shield hostages when their presence either made the premises too crowded for the lovers or otherwise spoiled the romantic atmosphere he wished to maintain for the liaisons.
"What can I say, the man likes ass," remarked Alfarawi. "Who doesn't?"
Observers recalled that several earlier proposals failed for similar reasons: Hamas insisted on guarantees that several high-ranking figures in the movement would retain access to their beloved connubial goats. In both instances the observers cited, the insistence on the ovine lovers became irrelevant when the senior Hamas figures in question met grisly ends in Israeli drone strikes or bombing missions. No word has emerged on the fate of the animals in question; rumors posit that the most attractive specimens have already been snatched up by the remaining Hamas commanders in Gaza, though some reportedly ended up dismembered in the strikes and their limbs and blood getting smeared on children for use in blood libel propaganda films.
International aid organizations called on Israel to immediately facilitate the entry into Gaza of sheep, goats, and donkeys, without which Gazans will be condemned to lonely days and nights.
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