"But what is grief,
if not love persevering?"
- Vision, quote from tv show 'WandaVision',
line written by Jac Schaeffer
and the words I have chosen, is not enough.
But allow me to try,
in the hopes to lessen this loneliness I'm feeling,
grieving the loss of someone I loved dearly.
I rushed to the hospital as soon as I heard the news.
She was in an emergency room
separate from the ones they had for suspected covid patients.
A swab test was taken just to be sure.
Nonetheless, we were still not allowed anywhere near.
She was already unconscious when I arrived,
with a lot of machines already aiding her, nurses in PPE,
the first thing I saw was her feet from the clear glass window by the door.
I kept on updating my family online who wished to be there but couldn't
because of the travel restrictions.
Together we kept praying for her.
seven nurses took turns trying their best to pump back life into her.
Half an hour or so after, they declared her gone.
We waited for the swab test result taken earlier
before we knew if we will be allowed to go near her lifeless body.
An agonizing hour after,
the test results came back negative.
We were briefed and disinfected, wore PPE, doubled our face masks,
face shields worn, before we were finally able to be near her again for just a few minutes.
Inside the emergency room, I was still having trouble
wrapping my head around all of it.
My body was in auto-pilot,
my heart numb, in shock, and in pain.
At midnight, we were on our way to the funeral home.
Around 4am, she was laid in a white coffin with gold accents.
I spent the whole week at the funeral home.
I didn't sleep much the first two days.
A lot of our family relatives and friends shared their heartfelt sympathies.
The wake was until Friday; interment on Saturday the 25th.
That Saturday night we went back home still processing everything,
with only one thing certain,
home is never the same.
At a young age, I didn't know the reason why my parent's separated.
Why they left us.
As a kid, I learned to understand that my situation
is not like most kids my age.
My childhood cut short for I needed to mature.
In the process, I didn't let anyone get close to me
when I was coping with the situation I was in,
even a few members of our family often times misunderstood me that time.
I was in survival mode.
My lola found a way to get pass through all the walls I've built though.
She became the warmth in my darkest days.
The day after she died, it slowly opened up a lot of emotions I have bottled up.
The warmth I knew from her was gradually fading.
As much as I want to act tough around my family,
a tear or two manages to escape my eyes.
Few seconds in, I'm no longer in control of my emotions anymore.
Silent cries at night of
loneliness and sadness.
A recurring emotion all throughout my life.
.
.
.
I miss her so much.
I'll keep missing her 'til my time comes as well.
.
.
.
I am sorry for your loss, the separation of parents almost always causes pain, having your grandmother to help you was great. I am sure that you will keep her in your heart forever!
thank you again mary, your words add comfort to my grieving soul. I'd definitely find time to check more of your works someday, for now i'm just having time off from being online too much.
Good for you, taking time off is vital for spiritual well being, take your time and rebalance yourself!
I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for having the courage to share your grief. Take the time to heal. We may not know each other in person but please know that there are people willing to listen to you if you need someone to talk too. Take care of yourself.
thank you so much. that means a lot.
I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you're fine right now. If you find grieving too much and unbearable,never hesitate to reach out to your L.E. friends. We are here for you.
thank you nikka. i will, and i'll keep that in mind.
It's so hard to finish reading this post without crying. 😔 Condolence. For sure she's very happy now that someone loved her this much and you are still right here, fighting everyday. 😊 We may not know each other in real life, but know that you're already brave enough to share this to us.
Just cry it all out, it might help more if you'll have someone to talk to, it can be us, or your friends. You and your lola will be in our thoughts and prayers. Take care always arj.
I cried reading your comment. thank you so much for your comfort, thoughts and prayers. I pray you take care as well, especially in these trying times.
The grieving process is different for everyone. I'm glad you had the courage to unburden a bit of that pain by sharing it here. Do take the time you need but know that your grandma would want you to continue your journey in life with hope and love. My heart is with you, sending you love & light.
thank you clara. thank you as well for sharing that article with me written by @creativemary , everything she wrote resonated close to home. it gave me comfort reading about her life story. my lola would have loved to meet all of you, she was the kindest soul. Sending back love and light, you take care as well.
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