Over the past week or so, I found myself offering the same advice to two different people. The central theme of the advice was the burden of worry that both people were carrying. Based on my life experience, I knew that their worry was unnecessary, but yet I was able to empathize with the worriers because I, too, had worried about similar things in the not-so-distant past.
When contemplating about these worries, and the dawning awareness that ultimately enabled me to let them go, I began to reflect upon what I call a culture of worry that is prevalent in (Western) society. People often embrace worry when things need to get done, but have not realized that the worry itself is not an active agent for resolution of problems.
There is a term that has been coined by the millennial generation in recent years to describe an entirely natural and normal life context. For those of us in Generation X and before, we know it as "coming of age" or maturing. It is a phase in our development when we're finally on our own, living in our own place, paying our own bills, establishing our own career, making our own decisions, and setting up our life plan for the foreseeable future. As anyone who has endured this roughly 10-year period of time (ages 15-25) can attest, it is simultaneously among the most exciting and dreadful periods in our lives. The beauty of it is that so much is unknown. Yet, the challenge of it is that so much is unknown!
The fact that the millennials have seen fit to coin a term to describe an age old phase of life speaks not to its novelty (for it is not), but to the novelty (to them) of what this phase implies: responsibility and accountability.
We find ourselves living in a society today that seems to be bending over backwards to be accepting and inclusive of so many philosophies, styles, and expressions of life; and yet, the notion of responsibility and accountability are not accepted with the same full throated endorsement. Thus, when life presents us with the results of our philosophies, styles, and expressions, results that are sometimes unpleasant, results we are unwilling or unable to handle, we often experience a lot of fear, anxiety, and worry. The internal cry goes out, "Somebody DO something!" ...until the realization sets in that I am the "somebody!" In this moment, these ones must begin "adulting." Even some of the older generations have started using this term when the pressures of life get them down.
"Adulting" is the activity of living life at our personal cutting edge, the space and time wherein which we all come to express who we are and be(come) who we will be. It is the process of soul growth that occurs as we navigate the (great) challenges of (daily) life, and it is often filled with anxiety. But, I say to you, don't worry!
The Bible is full of stories of major decision points, fierce battles, and miraculous deliverance. However, the passage from Matthew chapter 6 constitutes perhaps one of the greatest teachings about "everyday" worry in the Bible. You see, it is not every day that we decide on big things, like buying a house, having a child, getting married, taking a job or starting our own, pulling the plug on a terminally ill loved one, etc. We live most of our lives in the trenches of every day routine and, yes, monotony.
Our focus is often trained on getting by, on "making it" day to day, staying healthy, and staying safe. We concern ourselves with making sure that our bills are paid, that our children have something to eat, and that we live a positive life that does not draw undue attention from crooks/thieves, the government, or law enforcement. We try to avoid leaving a trail of hurt feelings in our wake, and we work to make friends and not enemies on this sojourn through life. And yet, in spite of our best intentions, in spite of our meticulous planning and righteous motivations, life challenges us daily in those trenches, throwing at us everything from minor irritations and inconveniences to major watershed moments and life changing crises.
Whether it be a major crisis or a minor annoyance, worry has come to be a mainstay in all of our lives. Perhaps it is the battered state of the economy that worries us. Maybe our struggling health worries us. Maybe the well-being of our children in these schools worries us. Maybe the resurgence of overt racism and bigotry worries us. Maybe malfeasance in government or corporations worries us.
Some of us even worry about our clothes and fashion sense, worry about what people think about us on the job (or in general), worry if we are doing right by our children and loved ones, worry whether life has passed us by, worry that our life has gotten out of control. Most people are worrying about something! And yet, I say as my great mentor, the late Rabbi Jehu A. Crowdy, Jr. so often said,
Be concerned, but don't worry!
Worry is an emotion that informs us of an urgent situation. This warning comes complete with a jolt of stimulating hormones, including cortisol, which prepare the body to act quickly in such a situation. But, if we do not act immediately, this hormone activation has a disintegrating effect on the body. This is particularly problematic when this hormone is released frequently due to chronic worry over time. Further, the body cannot distinguish between an actual threat (e.g. an attacking animal) and a perceived one (e. g. the thought of being broke), and over time, this disintegrating effect accumulates and wreaks havoc on the body.
Unfortunately, many of us are caught up (unaware) in a habit of worrying every single day! Furthermore, some of us think that it is a virtue to worry about everything. But, there is a fine line between worry and concern. We know these things, and yet we still find ourselves periodically caught up in worry about the various burdens we bear.
We often implicitly (and incorrectly) equate worry with responsibility, thinking, "If I worry, then it means that I care." But, truthfully, we simply find it difficult to accept that one can care very much about a thing without getting worked up and burnt out about it.
Certainly, we want to avoid as many problems and inconveniences as we can. Certainly, it is prudent to make plans and to be as prepared as possible for the inevitable troubles that come our way from time to time. Certainly, we want to prevent taking on any unnecessary burdens. But, after we've done all that we can do, what else can we possibly do?
How can any one do better than their best?
The primary issue that distinguishes worry from concern is control! The worrier tends to believe that he/she has some control over the situation, and thus, tries to assert control over it. The fear of losing (or not having) control fuels the worry. The fear that no one else will do it like we will, or that no one else can do what we do fuels our worry. The fear of being unable to respond to a situation to to dictate the course of one's life that drives the worrier to clamp down harder and harder. And yet, as I have discovered, the longer you live, the more you realize just how little control you really have over even the smallest things! This lesson was incomplete, however, without its corollary: we don't need as much control over the things in life that we think that we need!
The matter in these moments is not how much control we have, but how able we are to respond to the obligations and challenges of life (i.e. response-ability). The truth of the matter is that we cannot and will not avoid all trouble, pain, and discomfort. In fact, I have discovered the hard way that some of the troubles that we experience in life are designed specifically to force us through a narrow passage, which forms us anew.
Contrary to popular belief, we are not supposed to be the same people for the rest of our lives; we are supposed to be better! We are supposed to change! We are supposed to grow and overcome bad habits. We are supposed to develop a broader and more sensitive awareness about ourselves, about others, and about life itself. Sometimes, these challenges compel the necessary changes in us.
We really have no idea why a given challenge has darkened our doorstep. This is where faith comes in. Faith is hard for most people because it challenges them to stop worrying, relinquish control to God, and trust in the processes of life and promises of God.
Faith is not simply a belief, but it is a commitment to act according to a belief; it compels a loyalty to a truth that is deeply known but not expressible. And, so, we keep going because of faith. As Rabbi Crowdy would say,
We live with while waiting on.
And, we live according to righteousness. Doing right is always appropriate, regardless of how much (or how little) of the future we see, or how confident (or not) we are in the path we're on. Thus did Jesus teach his followers in Matthew 6:
[33] But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
[34] Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself...
In other words, DON'T WORRY! God is able, and God won't leave us comfortless! Don't worry... everything will be alright!