Yes, "insta-landscape" is not realistic for something you want to last. Patience, patience, patience...
I like your tarp idea but unless I'm missing something, no rainwater will penetrate and get into the soil and that's a problem for me.
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It will kill off what ever is under it so it should work faster with no rain penetrating, No?
Yes absolutely it will. But, the ground is so hard and mostly lifeless, so I want to encourage moisture retention as well as increase the soil health. A tarp will kill the weeds for sure, but won't do anything to help my other objectives.