Welcome.
I am Mr. Himself
Today we learn about reading and paying attention.
Please note: If you started to scroll down with the hopes of finding another flashy image to gaze upon, you have already failed this lesson and it hasn't even started yet. Please go back to the top and begin again.
Please do not allow yourself to be tricked by the word paying in front of the word attention. You will not be charged a fee.
Please note: If the line above does not make sense to you because you haven't seen those words anywhere, you have already failed this lesson. Please go back to the top and begin again.
Lesson One
I think I'm better than you(Please note: If you were already triggered into thinking I'm some sort of arrogant douchebag, you have failed this lesson. Please go back to the top and begin again.) at golf.
Please note: It's never wise to dive into the teachers personal life to begin judging the flaws in their personality, mid-sentence. At least give them a chance to finish what they are about to say, then pick them apart.
Lesson Two
Just because I'm better at golf than you are, that doesn't mean you can't improve. It's meant to be motivational, not insulting. Relax.
Lesson Three
I thought I told you to relax!
Clearly, you have failed this lesson. Are you here just to mess around or did you come here to learn! Now sit down! Start the lesson over.
Lesson Four
I'm sorry.
I've been having a few problems at home lately. I mean, I like macaroni; but macaroni everyday?
Look at my lunch today!
Fucking Macaroni Salad! Again!
That's the third time this week; and it's Wednesday!
Do you know what that means? Macaroni goddamn salad everyday!
Lesson Five
- First you take your spoon!
- See the spoon! Yeah! This spoon! This plastic piece of shit!
- She made me take them back home so she can wash them.
- This one has a name! They all do!
- Meet, February!
Lesson Six
- Dip it in there real good and stir!
- Round and round! You see! You see how I'm doing that!
At home she made me walk downstairs to where she kept an entire bathtub full of this goddamn macaroni salad. Everyday at precisely 6:55 p.m. ...
Did you stir the salad yet!
That shriek meant I had five minutes.
I got shivers down my spine just thinking about it.
That basement is cold.
Lesson Seven
- She made me use her canoe paddle to stir this mess because it was my fault I had splinters of wood stuck in my throat after she told me to use my canoe paddle!
Lesson Eight
- Buy health insurance.
Question:
Do you know how much it costs to have wood removed from your throat?
Answer:
My Truck!
Lesson Nine
- She was only with me because I had a truck!
I was busy stirring the salad again! I was mad! I hate stirring the salad!
She comes up to me and hands me some papers.
"Sign this," she demands with her I hate you tone of voice.
That put me in a dilemma because I knew better than to stop stirring the salad when she's looking over my shoulder to make sure I'm doing it right.
So with one hand I stirred and the other I signed.
Lesson Ten
- That's why I'm here.
I had to take on a second job teaching you assholes how to golf because I didn't read the damn document.
She ran off with some European man she met on the internet.
"Francisco."
She took everything I had and left me with a bathtub full of goddamn macaroni salad.
Conclusion
I just have to run home and stir the salad for a few minutes. If it goes bad, I'll starve.
Good job, or whatever.
I'll be right back.
Stir the salad JUST STIR THE SALAD... So... Where to I have to pay to get some attention?
You just keep stirring and let me pay for that attention.
To anyone who's reading, please visit @agnikana's blog. She wrote her introductory post today and did a damn fine job of it. I suggest you all head over there after this and give her a warm welcome!
There. Done. :)
Hahahaha omg, aaaaand that's how you give some attention! Thank you <3
You're welcome. I might get another 50 to 100 views... or maybe I'll get skunked, who knows! I tried!
Well there goes my idea for a macaroni salad post, thanks a lot! Way to ruin that idea!
LoL! Don't worry! You can have some of mine! It's still good! Just keep it stirred! See! Look! I'm already helping you write the how to prepare portion!
ok, my world is not over,... yet. Did this salad have pimento? If so, then my life is back to being over again
I'm not sure what that is. Is it chunky? There's definately some kind of chunky stuff in this salad. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's pimento.
ah #@^&!!! Son of a biscuit eater!! All creativity just suddenly vacated my body into a puddle on the floor. Luckily, its a tile floor so easy clean-up.
I solved the puzzle anyway. It's those dried up bits of ketchup from the top of the bottle. She made me put those in a ziploc bag, "for later."
Because I paid no attention to the circumstances of your divorce and began thinking while reading "hey, it'd be funny if I could share that one song I heard once", I think the last verse of this song is a lot more related to your situation than it really is.
I mean, there's nothing about macaroni salad. And the guy's name is different. And the whole verse is about lying and there was no lying involved. And there's not really much golf in it.
But it's kinda the same sort of thing.
Look, I really need an A in this class to pass the semester, and since it's your shitty divorce-job you know as well as I do that it's all bullshit anyway. Why are you teaching us reading comprehension in a golf course (heh)? What kind of hack are you anyway? I'm sorry I said those things. I thought it would make me more relatable. I just really need that A.
Here. Have an Eh. It's just like an A, but Canadian.
Great. This mac salad had plexiglass fibers in it, canoe-paddle yellow fibers. Furthermore, I have learned nothing about golf here. Back to the top, I know I know...
Again! I will never stop to repeat. You should stop to eat macaroni salad, that is not real Italian food! I'm gonna spam everybody today. @nonameslefttouse make a new post apologetic of how you stole pasta and name of the pasta and you re-make a shitty dish that people all over the world think ERRONEOUSLY is made in Italy.
I didn't even say Italy! LOL!
You may have said 'macaroni', but you weren't holding your hand right when you said it.
It's a mac a RO ni.
Okay, I can do this. I can type with one hand and talk with the other.
It's a mac a RO ni!
Is that what that is? I thought it was lemon zest. No wonder I have such bad heartburn. Anyway, yeah, we're here to golf!
It's ok, doc says I'm not getting enough fiberglass in my diet.
Golfing! I once had a client who lived right next to a golf course. After I'd finished my work, I told her that she lived in one of the most toxic places on earth, what with all of the fertilizers and chemicals being dumped into the turf next to her home so regularly. Then I said something like, 'thank you' but I never heard from her again-- I was thorough, and I did a good job I guess. I think she may have moved out of the region since then.
Golfing! I golf at par 3 course that allows all of the natural prairie grasses and plants to grow. He just pulls or weed whacks the nasty ones when he's not riding around drunk on his mower. The greens are sod, dry and he applies a thin layer of pebbles just to keep things "smooth sailing." I got a hole in one there. I spent nearly thirty minutes looking for my ball! On a hunch, I decided to look in the hole...y shit there's my ball!
Mr. Himself, Macaroni salad is MERDA is it supposed to be an Italian dish? You really deserve bathtub food then?
Come on, you teach me golf, I make you eat nice food =)
(I'm in a coffeeshop and people are talking about Trump and Goldman Sach at the table beside auhauhauha)
Thank you for teaching me how to say Shit in Italian! You've earned one free golf lesson and a chance to make me a sandwich!
You want Prosciutto e formaggio semipiccante or salame e formaggio dolce?
Both. Just put it all in there. I haven't had a decent meal in weeks. Even a slice of bread is good. Anything. Please! I'm dying of macaroni salad disease. It hurts!
After all, you deserve some suffering for violation of Italian food.
I didn't make it! I just stir it! Honest! :)
If there is ever a new steemfest and we can manage to meet, I'll cook for you. Honest!
Macaroni salad is the most disgusting food in the entire world. I'm cringing at the idea of cold noodles and mayonnaise! I'm so sorry. Come over to my house and I'll cook for you Mr. Himself. No need to teach me golf. I hate golf as much as I hate macaroni salad.
Listen. Between us...
I don't even know how I got this job. I've golfed only a handful of times and I'm usually drunk by the third hole. I didn't tell them that though. I just said, "Yeah, I can teach golf." They hired me on the spot.
Oh! That reminds me. I better go stir the salad.
I don't trust anything with mayo in it.
Mayo Clinic?
Well played sir. Well played.
Okay, didn't see that going so downhill fast! :D
You earned a follow because I couldn't help but stop and laugh several times.
I learned that downhill move by watching the Winter Olympics on TV!
I'd like to get some wood removed from one of my friends' throat, mind if I borrow your truck?
You just had to bring up the goddamn truck! Didn't you!
Hey, you're the one who taught the lesson in the first place.
I'm just being a good student. :3
...and a friend.
You know what... go ahead and use one of the golf carts. It's on the house!
Just don't tell my boss and if the police ask you anything, it wasn't me.
Got it, don't tell your boss and if the police ask, tell them you told me to tell them it wasn't you. Got it.
Yup. At least you're paying attention.
You might wanna re-read the part about police. xD
I started over several times but I could never seem to make it past Lesson Three. I hope there wasn't anything too important after that.
No, today's lesson didn't go so well. Come to class drunk tomorrow and you should be able to get a new high score.
Well I'm here to improve my golf game, so I was hoping for a new low score actually. But whatever. I'll bring some cheap vodka and we can share.
So, the lesson is "Man who tosses own salad plays more golf", right?
Yup! You should be well on your way to a hole in one if follow these simple lessons.
Our dog used to carry sticks in his mouth like he was smoking a cigar. He got splinters in his throat too, and needed surgery. Once I reached that part, that's all I could focus on in your story, a huge wobbly dog coming out from under the effects of anaesthetic, wearing a hot pink bandage with my father fussing over him. We never fed him macaroni. That would be cruel, even to a dog.
Thanks for daydreaming in class again!
Ah, what a relief. After 5 times scrolling back to the top a finally passed your test, or not? Lesson # 5 reminds me this movie I saw few years ago, it was about woman who dated every month different guy and named them by this month in which she dated them. I think the movie title was “Sweet November”. I completely agree with you on health insurance. I, as a freelancer owning small business just simply can’t afford it. And BTW welcome to my world of macaroni salad while “she” staring at me and telling me every second “Chew slow! Don’t eat like a pig! Don’t touch the phone! It’s a family time, Do you love me? How much?” And thank you for reminding me that we are the class of assholes, I have almost forgotten.
You're welcome!
Lol the flashy image thing is so true. Our brains are so wired to read and skim through things that we always miss the little details... I laughed at the whole "go back up and start again" bit lmao.
Thanks for reading the fine print! LOL
You stir the salad in the bathtub...where the hell do you take a bath? Where you teach? Damn that woman!!
I have to stand in a plastic garbage bag when I shower and empty it out into the toilet every few minutes!
I had to go back up and start over and over again until I fell asleep ..
I'm so sorry but I can't go through it again and I learned nothing btwd
That's fine. Just make sure to pay your tuition fees and come back tomorrow!
I will definitely have to until I learn something
I had the option between health insurance and canoe insurance and I took the latter.
I had to paddle with my hands! "You better not be using my good stirring paddles for fishing!"
I’m a macaroni salad lover. However, I completely agree, you just can’t eat the same thing every single day. At least once in a wile you should try something different. Other than that, after scrolling to the top few times I 🤔 I have past. BTW: Never much fan of golf game, perhaps because I was never lucky enough to even hit the ball.
Golf makes me wet too, but those are tears of joy.
Got it!
All you need to do is add copious amounts of cheese and heat - you then have 'mac n cheese' and you can eat that anytime :) you're welcome
Do I look like a cow to you! Where am I supposed to get cheese?! :)
Umm maybe if your udder was bigger you'd resemble one more - look in the fridge it'll be behind the sauce!
The only thing behind the sauce is more sauce!
You will have re-organise promptly before the mac salad goes solid!
I already have three jobs! Wait a minute! Why are we yelling!?
Well this is serious shit you know - theres nothing else to eat but mac salad - yelling is essential!!!
I've been puzzling over a comment I got yesterday, it literally said "More power to your elbow!" It would have totally made sense in this post, LOL!
(I blessed his shoulder, I thought that was an appropriate response.)
Damn! I forgot to mention that part before I left. Now I have to stop stirring the salad, get on the bus, go to the golf course, and tell them, "More power to your elbow!" Thanks for the heads-up.
I didn't even think of the golf, haha, there are so many levels in which that statement works on this post- for the macaroni, for the stirring of the macaroni, and for the golfers...and perhaps to backhand the macaroni lady...
Mr. Himself would never hit a macaroni lady.
We know, because if he had he might still have his truck! ;)
Guys, again, macaroni is food for dog, Please, come to Italy to eat the real one.
I'm sick as a dog and YOU made me laugh and everyone knows that laughter is the best medicine, so Thank You!
@Lahvista
You're welcome, sick, Crazy Lady!
Fail Counter: 4
I’ve always just wonder:
“Paying attention begin again. “
"Please note arrogant douchebag begin again."
OMFG… I cannot unseen what I have seen going on.
You like those little hidden gems do ya... LOL
Like the ones that get left in the litter box!
I feel your pain, man. Macaroni salad every day is scary :(
Okay, I'll go back to lesson three. Thanks for sharing your teachings :d
You're welcome. I hope you leave here feeling smarter than you were when you got here.
Don't make me leave here, I still have a lot to learn :'(
Having this marconi salad had almost killed you...those look pretty good but having samething again n again surely can kill anyone......
Exactly.
Maybe you can have a little change try out this this surely wont get you killing
I really did scroll up to start again because I thought I may not understand it well if I didn't. You got me there.
Gotcha!
I'm so classy and smart now, and all thanks to you. I'll go make some macaroni salad.
Thank you for paying attention.
Either my attention has an Alzheimer, or something weird happen to this post... I never really like salads, it's like dealing with a fish but in vegan form.
So what you're saying is, there's something fishy about salad. Got it!
anather lovely writing i see here its beautifull thankyou for shareing...
Meow
hahahaha high level of sarcasm, good laughter therapy, we all need it once a day, do sharing these things, definitely gonna read and laugh...
Very informative post ..
That image is absolutely correct hahaha. I got lost in the details, but then I could understand jejej
Who eats macaroni everytime
And you had to participate in the cooking
Thats some good stuff
If you had some wood stuck in your throat, I bet your knees are killing you right now.
Question:
Do you know how much it costs to have wood removed from your throat?
Answer:
My Truck!
hahahaha!
I had to start again before getting to Lesson 1. Is that a bad sign?
I'm terrible at golf. Unless you mean disc golf, which is way cheaper and doesn't make people who aren't experts feel like they're not good enough to play. At least that's my impression.
Actually speaking of disc golf being cheap, I've found all my equipment (four discs) and generally go to a course that's free. So it's great.
What were you saying again? I wasn't... paying... attention...
That macaroni salad sounds nice.