The Squirrel Mega Demon

Squirrels, they drive me crazy. One squirrel in particular made me look like a raving lunatic.
I like birds. I find listening to their song relaxing. So I decided to hang a bird seed bell in the tree in my front yard. Everything was going great, I had some chickadees and some yellow finches visiting every day. My daughter and I were enjoying watching them. I had an issue with some bluejays being loud and obnoxious, but I overcame them by running out the front door yelling at them.
Then one day I looked out the window and there he was, the devil himself, a smug squirrel. He was literally laying on the bird seed bell pigging out and just generally being a real jerk. My birds wouldn't come around because he was there hogging all their food. I knew I had to do something. I tried the method I had used to get rid of the bluejays, but yelling at the squirrel just didn't seem to be cutting it.
And this is how I found myself chasing a squirrel around a tree. More than once I went outside and walked up to the tree thinking that would be enough to make the devil disappear. I was wrong. That sucker looked right at me as though I was the one in the wrong. He had a look on is face that said "What do you want stupid human, can't you see I'm eating here." I have never had an animal offend me to such a degree. I tried yelling at him while I was standing beside him. He didn't care. Although I didn't want to let him win, I had to retreat because I had to take my daughter to school.
Round two came at supper time that evening. I was just putting food on my dinner plate when my daughter told me the squirrel was back. I looked out the window and sure enough, the smug rodent was feasting away on the bird seed bell. I ran outside and started yelling at the little creep. He still didn't care. I found a stick and started banging it against the tree. Nope, still didn't care. I shook the stick at him and the best I got was he jumped off the bell and ran around to the other side of the tree. We had a great round of 'chase the stupid squirrel around the tree'. I could feel Mr. Gccrypto's eyes watching me from the window. I knew he was laughing at me. I knew I looked like a complete raging lunatic. I also knew that squirrel couldn't win. I kept chasing it around the tree. Then I came to the realization that I was going to have to make a choice. I had to either give up or kill the freaking squirrel. My hunger got the best of me and I went in so I could eat my dinner.
The next day I thought I would be smart and just move the bird seed bell to my front porch until the squirrel gave up and went away. Guess what, it didn't care. It would walk right up and eat. See, he really is the devil. If not the devil, he is definitely some sort of mega demon from hell. I really should have just killed him but how do you even kill a demon? Answer me that! You know what I did? I gave up. I just completely ignored his existence.
Yesterday he was on my front lawn so I took what was left of the bird seed bell and threw it down to the ground for him. I admitted to him that he had won, and I used some pretty colorful language while doing so. I'm not proud of this, but unless I was willing to take the stupid devil squirrel's life, there was nothing more I could do. The devil won. At least now I don't have to look like a raving lunatic who chases squirrels around trees.
~Mrs. Gccrypto