Weird Pie

Weird Pie

Any guy or girl who thinks pizza is not one of humanity’s greatest inventions is most probably a person who hates good food or anything good in this world, when you think about it. Yeah, I’m saying this right now: people who don’t like the glutinous goodness of pizza are probably the devil’s spawn. Go munch on your greens, you wimp. What I’m trying to get across here is, get real, it is really hard not to love pizza. So much so, that it’s one of those dishes that applies to almost any occasion out there, whether if you just hit the bong a little too hard and are feeling the munchies coming right at you or, say, you’re too much of a bum to cook for yourself and you want something that can easily be consumed by your dirty mouth. Heck, when you think about it, pizza isn’t just for humans, too: the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles love the damn pie they’d forget about April O’Neil getting murdered by Shredder for it. Then, of course, there’s the dish’s versatility. You could literally put anything on pizza and believe it or not, some people have.

Let’s go to Japan a sec so you could see what I mean. In the Land of the Rising Sun, there is a very famous kind of pizza known as the Mayo Jaga. It’s one hearty variety for sure, given that it is topped with mayonnaise, corn, potatoes, bacon, and onions. Now, your finger might be itching to close the tab right now and call bull, considering everything I’ve told you about the Mayo Jaga is par for the course when it comes to pizza toppings. Well, hold on for a moment there because I forgot to tell you that the Mayo Jaga has a whole squid on it. And no, the squid isn’t served the way you think, which is probably in rings or slices. No, sir, it’s just a whole squid smacked right on top of the damn thing. That way, you can eat it while it’s looking at you with eyes that swear revenge and world domination one of these days.

Up next here, we have the Berlusconi from Finland, which is not just a simple pie, since it can double as your revenge against that patronizing asshole Santa Claus whenever he decides to give you a lump of coal during the holidays. And as with the Mayo Jaga, the Berlusconi starts off simple enough: it has the requisite cheese, a helping of ringed onions, and a few other toppings here and there that aren’t at all exceptional. However, what makes this particular kind of pizza stand out is instead of using pepperoni or sausage or some such meat common to pizzas all around the world, it has smoked reindeer on it. Like I said: revenge. You get to eat Rudolph or any of the other sleigh pullers out there. Hell, that’s more intense than what Don Corleone did with that horse head. Seriously, though, this sounds pretty delicious.