Once again Clarissa you don't disappoint. Your internal mental meanderings are weaving an interesting quilt that is @newclarissa
You seem to be struggling with acting to do so or not. Don't we all "act" a bit everyday? It is just that some of us get paid for it. If I had pursued my dreams I would be poor and homeless. I married at 19. First child at 24. 45 year career behind me and I'm typing to a pretty girl half a world away. I did whatever paid the house payment and put food on the table. My advantage in life today is that I don't have to prove anything to anybody. The disadvantage of my younger years is that I had to prove everything to everybody. I think some of us try too hard to prove what does not need to be proven. Does that make sense or should I have another sip of Gewurztraminer. Don't be too picky. Try many things. Success in one form or another will come to you.