Hi,
I am 24 years old and have been married for two years. My husband has a lot of good qualities – charming, successful, ambitious, funny, sociable, intelligent, gentle and great in bed. But his appearance is not so great; he isn’t exactly ugly, but he isn’t so good looking either. I love him very much though.
Recently I met a guy in university who is not only smart and full of talent but gorgeous and very handsome. We talk regularly and he constantly sends messages that he would like to have “something” with me. I feel sexually attracted to him and hardly can hold myself back in his presence.
My husband and I are very open-minded about our sex life and have already experienced threesomes (the third has been another woman).
Although I don’t want to cheat on him and I am not looking for excuses to do so, I am hopeless. How can I ignore temptations like this? How am I expected to have sex with the same person for 50 years? The boredom will kill me.
Jude
Credit: theblackmouth
Jude,,
There are several moral questions here –
· Can or should a threesome be considered an act of infidelity?
· And fantasies? Is having them cheating?
· Is cheating a sin?
But because every human being has his or her own moral criteria and no one but you has the right to tell you how to live your life, I will put the moral dilemma aside and address the potential consequences of the steps you are still hesitating to take.
If you have sex with the good-looking guy (“the model”) it will come out sooner or later – without a doubt – and your relationship will face a serious crisis. You will then both have to decide whether your love is strong enough to get over the trauma and over the loss of trust to enable a process of healing.
It is the same situation that you have right now, only today you operate under much better conditions. You have not hurt anyone, you didn’t cross any red line and you have the comfort and time to make wise decisions.
Obviously, the passion in your marriage is over or at least dimming. You are overflowing with concern about what seems to be the decay of intimacy with your husband; you are afraid for the future and of losing the zest for life. So you are on the lookout for ways to invigorate your life, to make your heart sing again and to feel Eros streaming in your veins. As always, when you look for something, the universe provides the needed opportunities and leaves the decision to you. But know that no fling or casual affair can ever replace the abundant loving energies that a lasting relationship brings. A fling would only revive your spirit for a short while after which you would be frustrated again and would look for more shallow sexual adventures.
You have evidently not yet experienced the deeper realms of love that can only be revealed and explored in time with a trusted partner. Any attempt to investigate the psyche and its sexual component is a lifelong endeavor that requires patience, focus and dedication.
You have put yourself on the path that would eventually take you to places of empowerment, self-knowledge and deeper understanding of yourself, your body, your reality and your world. When you reach that place you will know new depths of intimacy and your life will be transformed (including your sex life). How do I know? Because you chose, two years ago, to get married!
Have you changed your mind? If so, divorce your husband right now, become single again and experience as much casual sex and as many flings as you want without hurting anyone. When someone decides to get married s/he declares – and the universe hears - that s/he is ready to commit; the commitment is not only towards another human being but towards the bigger Self and towards the path of awakening.
If you still care about your path choose to develop yourself within your relationship. Do it with your husband without any interference from strangers. Not in intimate conversations and certainly not in bed.
Good luck!
you should exercise of being contented, instead of exercising of being discontent. if you exercise of being discontent you won't find a real partner in your life, it is very important that you enlighten yourself first before entering in the kingdom of marriage. That's the whole purpose of marriage "maturity" that means you are psychologically, emotionally, and spiritually equipped. :)
Your conclusion is so accurate that 10 years ago I would have changed my life, I never noticed what I was doing and because of my inexperience and I lost a great relationship without wanting it.
I insist that everything changes with a little maturity, at my age I will talk to my partner and look for ways to revive the relationship, but we don't always have the tools we need to answer our questions, things happen for a reason, but if this post happened 10 years ago, possibly I was in a happy relationship, thanks for your wise advice, happy night.
🙏
Oh, this is such a broad topic, but I think that it boils down to what you said, it's a matter of getting to know oneself and understanding our limits and our preferences.
And about your questions, I'd like to address them, if you don't mind:
Threesomes are consensual, and if both parts of the marriage agree to it, how could it be considered "infidelity"? (Unless we can be guilty of "unfaithful thoughts".) But it is a fact that many people tend to have sexual thoughts about other people regardless of whether they are their partner or not, so I don't think that a partner could be angered by someone else's thoughts instead of their actions (like proper cheating).
Does a God exist? Or some supernatural force that regulates life and creates what "sins" are? If so, then we'd have to ask them what they think about cheating. If not, then there is no sin but immoral acts (condemned by social convention).
I agree with your answer, everything depends on the morality of the people. I suppose that if this couple is together it's because before committing they defined their rules, it will be wrong only if being with the "model" breaks those agreed rules.
Indeed.
Each person has their morality, but once making a bond they should stick to what was agreed 🤝
Sometimes we make agreements that can be unanimously discontinued. Yeah, it's disappointing and very sad, it will feel terrible and may bring unfortunate consequences, but in this case, for example, if continuing the marriage will bring her to a life of pain until she's old, loyally holding to the agreement regardless of consequences may not be the best choice.
You already suggested the possibility of divorce, but I wanted to reinforce the idea that contracts cannot bind people beyond their ability to follow them without incurring in self-damage, in my opinion, at least.
I wonder why she got married. After only two years she is looking for pleasure somewhere else. Even though I’m not fan of divorce, your advice to her to consider it is right on point. If she loves her husband she should tell this other guy to stop hitting on her. She would feel much better. If she is too week to tell him, her marriage is not as strong as she though, when she got married.
I'm not in favor of divorce either. For me, marriage is sacred and once two people have made their minds to unite their lives, then it means something. A big something. The problem is that nowadays people get married for the wrong reasons.
It is simple, if you are having second thoughts you where not ready for marriage, some people are not meant for married life, especially if you marry from such a young age...
Not everyone is ready for the commitment of marriage at such young ages.
Indeed. Our world lacks more deep information and wisdom about relationships and marriages.
I no longer believed in the idea of soul mates, or love at first sight. But I was beginning to believe that a very few times in your life, if you were lucky, you might meet someone who was exactly right for you. Not because he was perfect, or because you were, but because your combined flaws were arranged in a way that allowed two separate beings to hinge together
Lost passion or purpose is difficult to rekindle.....finding your passion/purpose is extremely difficult to figure out.....I'm glad you found yours.
I feel your excitement for what you do - it's kind of infectious actually :) You have a zest for life that I don't often see.
I enjoy reading your blogs. Thank you!
To start with, marriage is a sacred bond between a man and a woman, so if there should be a third person in your relationship should be God. Dont understand the idea of a threesomes in the first instant.
Second, your marriage is too young for you to be loosing interest. The moment you said 'I do' you swore to be content with what your marriage gift box had to offer.
Your post didnt reveal you were forced into the marriage, you saw your husband for who he was and chose to accept him. His looks didn't change, you accepted him then, and you should now.
What you need is to rekindle the flame that once glowed. Review what attracted you guys and bring those special moments back to life.
Discuss your concerns with your husband, make the needed sacrifice and changes. Put God first, and I can assure you there will be great improvements.
Ultimately, learn to be content!
Not many are aware of the fact that every sexual interaction between two people is a foursome!
Two humans, accompanied by their two god-selves.
Harmonious relationships are sometimes difficult to maintain, especially for those who have reached the age of marriage is no longer young.
All of this must come back to ourselves or to our spouse, choose to split up without having to be hurt and hurt, or keep in good relationship and accept any shortcomings of our spouse.
Because, basically at the beginning of marriage, we make a promise as always to be faithful until death separates us with our spouse.
I will answer in personal experience. Couples who have a healthy relationship are those who always keep intimacy warm at all times. This can keep both of you feeling excited and more attracted to each other, until marriage will continue to burn. me and partner before marriage or In a relationship of course all couples have their own commitments. so my partner and I make a commitment to continue together is a weapon that can overcome disputes. if you and your spouse have a dispute. If you both decide to split up and end the relationship then try to recall the commitment you have set up together before the wedding
This a great post to all of us who intend to join that institution of marriage and even those in that bracket.
We all know that relationships normally lose their salt and there thing which cause all these but the first step in you is not to allow it cover your mind. Your mind set determines alot on this but the most profound thing when you have lost the taste in your husband and you cannot cheat is that build it back inside you and root out the past and these are things which normally creep in our marriages bcz you need to accomplish something somewhere before you completely settle.
If you cannot cheat when you are fed upof your husband, then ask yourself, what must i do to renew the salt in the marriage and how best will you do it because these are normally personal decisions which we normally have to deal with at an intimate level.
If possible, sit and talk to your man and find a way forward because it is not your problem at times but it may be for your husband and see to it that such accounts are settled in time before it goes out of hand.
Lastly try out something new with him and never know something new may need to be put to test but dont involve your friends, i have come to understand that the most worries arise from intimacy and probabaly sexual unsatisfaction in bed some times the guy being boring in bed but learn him and give it small time but dont cheat, the more you are with him the more you get back the pleasure and the feelings flow as before.
It happened to me but the more i was with my woman, she later got her pleasure and feelings in intimacy and its now the good way i can say.
Am grateful for this post bcz i have learnt something from it.
I want to tell something to Jude,
So My thought is for every men or women please select the perfact person who always like you & you like him/her. Its our most important part of our life so take your decision honestly.
@nomad magus (David), Thanks for your kind information for us that's why we are know about these kind of problem in every people idea and you always gives them such an a great advise. keep it up dear.
This is something almost impossible as people change. I'd advice to choose the partner that is able to change with you.
May be but i will do it. any how!
It is not impossible if someone could fall in love with someone's husband either through a work environment, a new environment,
When a woman loves someone else.
The solution
You should have to think that loving the person's husband is Something Wrong.
You hope, he will love you forever. You hope your forbidden love will not get caught, nor do you feel that you deserve it better than his wife. Remember that the feelings of women in love are blind, so control your feelings, let alone those feelings for the wrong people.
All you have to know is that loving the person's husband is never happy.
Close your chance to become a third person, even if you know that he has a problem in his marriage.
The man will not hold his wife's hand or embrace it any closer. If a man does this little thing, it's because he wants to make you comfortable.
threesome be considered is not acceptable at all.its so ruin for a relationship..cheating with husband is not also acceptable because believe is the great virtues for a couple relationship,
There's a saying here: a bird at hand is worth 50 in the bush and all that glitters is not gold.
We are not to decide what's bad for you, you already know we you consider as immoral. So, act accordingly. It's a good thing that you said your husband is at least not doing badly, learn to appreciate what you have and add spices to your sex life with your husband.
Without context it could be any number of reasons. Longevity of relationship may have led to a reduction in desire, change in connection or establishment of routines that no longer stimulate. Age may be a factor concerned with sexual desire, ability, and hormonal changes. Contraceptive use could be an issue, with some hormone treatments leading to changes in scent and reduction in desire at an unconscious level. The list could go on and on.
Ask yourself what the nature of the connection is, perhaps it no longer requires or needs or inspires sexual energy. Nothing wrong if it doesn't. Then ask whether you need it in your life. Nothing wrong if you don't. If either of those answers wants to be switched to a positive, then have a frank discussion and see about coming to some ideas, perhaps with help of a professional.
That's such a great advice my friend. I think she was not ready for commitment. Her marriage was a bad step, and I think that not being with someone because you don't find him good looking is just lame. Looks does matter,but you should have looked as per your requirement before. After 2 years of marriage you can't leave someone just because of their looks. Marriage is a commitment that you make to your partner's. Imagine yourself at his place, I think that's just immoral and you have committed a sin by hurting him.
well i think even though some people love each other enormously but still commitment for whole life is something tamporary and you never know when one will lose interest.
so it is better to seperate and move on at that time
The only commitment that one can do is to one's choices. When those are solid and anchored in substance, life flows smoothly, relationships included.
Thanks for your support 👍
“We hardly ever make love anymore.”
“Our lovemaking seems like a chore for both of us.”
“Our sexual relationship seems flat and boring.”
“My wife/husband is rarely interested in me sexually.”
I often hear these complaints from my clients. Yet, some couples deeply enjoy their lovemaking with each other even in very long-term relationships. What are they doing differently than the complaining couples?
Having worked with thousands of couples for the last 44 years, I’d like to share with you what I’ve learned about what keeps passion alive... and what doesn’t.
Waiting...
the starting of a relationship is great hearted love and fall in love with proper relation.it seems to morality of the people that cheating ,its ruin for society for a love for a relationship,..
sex life is not all ..love is life ,life is also love .
the happiness is great .for the happiness everyone should do a great the he fell to great for best work,that mean best decession.
@nomad-magus sir
its great dear
i remain @nomad-magus
that dont cheat with life partner is great for a relationship.
never break down relation with lover is not ecceptable for hearted lover
thanks sir for shared
In my opinion, a person joins another in marriage because is someone who can understand and love, but something is true, they have to be aware of each other.
In a case that the guy is aware of the other person but the other loses interest, it seems selfish.
Dear @nomad-magus , Daily Learn some new from your post. Love to read it.
The mistake lies in comparing his partner with others. When passion begins to fade, one must go for a while, then will arise longing and sex will re-excited.
Passion is lost when one stops looking within for the I AM
Very precise.
That's a very serious matter about married life and should be solve it carefully, well the fact is, there is no universal definition of betrayal. When two people are married, they must care about each others’ feelings. They don’t always have to agree, but they must behave in ways that make the relationship feel safe. Therefore, if one person feels betrayed, his or her spouse must do some soul searching and change in ways to accommodate those feelings. In other words, betrayal is in the eye of the beholder. If you or your partner feel betrayed, you need to change what you’re doing to make the marriage work.
its really very good post for those who cheating with his or her life partner. and this post will be really help them. thanks for sharing.
a good lesson I am very grateful after reading your post@nomad-magus
Really very special article
You are a successful person with great information
I wish you all the happiness
Thanks to your sharing @nomad-magus .
Keep the spirit..