The TSA periodically updates its insecurity protocols in order to reduce freedom and increase stress levels for all passengers.
All of the following changes go into effect immediately and will arbitrarily change tomorrow or at some random point in the future.

Between the hours of 8:37am and 10:06am passengers will be allowed to bring any and all liquids through security, except in Denver. We’re doing this because constantly making people dump their water bottles for 24 hours straight makes us tired and we need a break.

Anyone caught saying the word “Russia” will be dealt with severely. We don’t know why, it’s just a scary sounding word that we keep hearing on TV.

Every tenth person in the security line will have to go through the scanner by hopping backwards on one foot with a straight face. No laughing, giggling, chuckling, frowning, smiling, cackling, pouting, groaning, wheezing, sneezing, whining, or other inappropriate displays of emotion will be tolerated.

Anyone caught alluding to free speech will not be allowed to travel and may face severe karaoke torture from our worst singers, except in Pensacola, Florida. It is up to each TSA agent to arbitrarily decide what constitutes “alluding” and “free speech”.

Anyone traveling to Africa will be considered a racist and will be given disapproving looks.

Anyone wearing a hoodie will be burnt at the stake, no questions asked.

Men’s 100 percent cotton t-shirts will not be allowed through security between 8:22pm and 8:55pm. We’re just doing this because various social engineers want to see how crazy our regulations have to be to cause heart attacks and strokes.

If the temperature in Zimbabwe today reached 100F or more, then all previous updates that you just read are null and void and you just wasted precious moments of your life. We do stupid things like this to make ourselves feel powerful and to keep ourselves employed.

Top image is from wikimedia