The Unofficial Personal Diary Of Vladimir Putin (SATIRE)

A quirky look inside the mental ups and downs of a typical day for Vladimir Putin in his own words.

Image is from wikimedia

May 22, 2017

Dear Diary,

Today was very challenging.  Sometimes I don’t know how to handle everything.  I’m thinking of cloning myself.  Besides, I could use at least one real body double just in case I get poisoned.

The temperature is finally starting to warm up.  I’m so sick of living in this frigid country.  Why can’t I be a dictator in a tropical country?  Hmmm, this gets me thinking.  Maybe I could trade places with another president.  Maybe Duterte? The Philippines would be nice.  It could be dictator swap, kind of like that TV show Wife Swap, but with dictators instead.  Hmmm, I kind of miss that show.    

Damn, I just remembered that Kissinger is coming for a visit to the dacha next week.  That pudgy old lump bores me.  He cheats when we play chess, too! Oh, well.  At least he gives me solid advice on dealing with other puppet rulers.    

Speaking of the dacha, the quality of the landscaping has really gone downhill recently.  Maybe I’ll execute the landscaper tomorrow.  No, wait, that would be stupid.  I’ll have a mindless order-follower do it for me.

I got a text from that whiny little swine Kim Jung Un today.  I told him, for the last time, I don’t want to hang out with him and Dennis Rodman.  Spoiled little brat!

Shit! Did I forget to close the safe in my Swiss bank account last Thursday?

It just dawned on me, even if I had a body double and got assassinated, the body double wouldn’t do me any good.  I’d still be dead.   

I had donuts with rainbow sprinkles this morning.  So tasty! But oh, the sugar crash, worse than vodka hangover!

Hey, what’s that noise? I hear growling! Oh, damn it all to Siberia! I forgot to feed my dogs today! The last time this happened they really tore up my ankles.  I’d better throw some beef jerky out the door and hope for the best.