NIP THE CAT - Episode 8

Dialogue with deadpan zip as Nip deals with his human companions.

On the previous episode of Nip The Cat…..

Asha did some digging on the parent company of Green Mountain Accounting, where Rich works.  She found a huge company called Beelzebub, Inc.  One of their subsidiaries in their local area is a cat food company called “Speedy Cat”.  Upon investigating a Speedy Cat warehouse, Nip came out covered in a mysterious white powder.    

Scene 1

Rich is driving home with Asha and Nip immediately following the warehouse investigation.  Rich is driving the speed limit.  Asha is examining the white powder covering Nip.

Asha takes sample of powder from Nip with finger, and holds close to face.

Asha (shocked):  Uh-oh!
Rich:  What uh-oh?

Asha:  This is cocaine.

Rich looks skeptically and nervously at Asha.

Rich:  You’re joking.  It’s baby powder or something, right?
Asha:  Nope.  This is definitely coke.  Besides, do you really think they'd try to hide baby powder in cat food bags?

Nip:  Is it hot in here to anyone else?
Rich (panicky):  And how do you know what coke is like?

Asha:  I’ve been around it at parties before, when I was younger.    
Rich:  Really? What kind of parties? I never would have put you in that category!

Nip:  How about opening a window?

Asha:  I’m not condoning drug use, but people have the right to put whatever they want in their bodies, as long as it doesn’t harm anyone else.  Anyway, the big issue that we need to focus on now is what to do about this whole Speedy Cat situation.  Their parent company gets the bulk of their funds from the mafia with fancy titles extortion racket!

Rich: What?
Nip:  Government taxation!

Asha:  The company is dependent on government contracts, and all government funds come from taxation.  It’s corporate welfare! Not only that, but then the same mob kidnaps people and throws them in cages for drug possession. 

Rich smashes the gas, tires squeal, and the car jumps ahead.

Asha:  What are you doing?
Rich:  We gotta get home quick so we don’t get caught!

Asha:  The worst thing you can do is drive like a maniac! You’ll get the road pirate’s attention! Just drive the speed limit like you were before.    

Rich decelerates and holds the wheel tightly at the 10 and 2 positions.  A few minutes later, they arrive at Rich’s place.  Nip bounds out of the car.  Rich’s neighbor, Rizzo, just happens to be out front.

Rizzo:  Nip been harassing a local baker?
Rich (sighs):  Now’s not a good time, Rizzo.

Rizzo:  Hey Asha.  (sleezy smile)
Asha (eye roll, sigh):  Hello, Rizzo…..

Rizzo:  I just need to borrow five bucks.    
Rich:  You still haven’t paid me back form last time.    

Rizzo:  Really?
Rich:  Don’t play dumb, Rizzo.

Nip:  He’s not playin.
Rich:  It’s really not a good time.  We gotta go.

Rich, Asha, and Nip hustle into the house.

Rich:  So what should I do about this, Asha? Should I confront my boss? Should I contact the press?
Nip:  Forgive his naivete, Asha.  He means well.    

Asha:  Here’s my advice.  You play it cool and act like you know nothing.
Nip:  That doesn’t require much acting.    

Asha:  You can keep your eyes and ears open at work and investigate further.  
Rich:  I don’t even wanna go to work! What if they know?

Asha:  If they know, they certainly won’t make a scene at work.  At home and in the street is where you should really be concerned.    

Rich:  Gee, you’re so comforting.    
Asha:  Relax, you’ll be fine.  They probably don’t even know.  After all, it was just Nip they would have seen on camera.

Nip:  Oh, sure, throw me under the bus!
Rich (groans):  Oh, I guess I’ll take your advice.  After all, I’m in this deep, so I might as well go all the way, right?

Scene 2

The next day at Green Mountain Accounting, Rich’s supervisor, Mr. Wash, gets a call from the head of the company.

Head of Company:  Wash, we’ve got a big problem.
Mr. Wash:  I’ve got more than one big problem, sir.  Could you be more specific?

Head of Company:  It’s one of your lackeys, Rich.  He’s been sticking his nose in where it doesn’t belong.  This time, we got it on tape.    

Mr. Wash:  What happened?
Head of Company:  You know better than to ask questions!   

Mr. Wash:  Sorry, sir.  Should I fire him?
Head of Company:  You just asked me another question.    

Mr. Wash:  Ooops….
Head of Company:  Anyway, firing isn’t gonna cut it.  Do you play golf, Wash?

Mr. Wash:  Of course, sir.  I find it’s one of the best places to schmooze.    

Head of Company:  You and every other mid-level corporate middleman in America.  So here’s the plan.  You invite Rich out for a round at Spooky Heights Golf Club.  Ask for Mr. H. Enchman.  He’ll have some special balls for you.

Mr. Wash:  Excuse me, sir? Just what kinda balls are we talking about? And what does this have to do with our problem with Rich?

Head of Company:  Dammit, that was another question!

Mr. Wash:  Actually, sir, that was two questions.

Head of Company: (sighs deeply) Look, just make sure you are the only one to hit those balls.    
Mr. Wash:  What if he accidentally hits one?

Head of Company:  Well, how can I put this? It was nice knowing you.
Mr. Wash:  We barely know each other. 

Head of Company:  It was a figure of speech.  Ok, so that’s it.  Just make sure you execute the plan perfectly, and everything will work out.    

Mr. Wash:  Will you be joining us, sir?
Head of Company:  Hell, no! Gotta have some plausible deniability. Good luck, Wash. 

Click.

Scene 3

Mr. Wash and Rich are walking into Spooky Heights Golf Club to check in.

Rich:  Thanks for inviting me out to golf, Mr. Wash!  I sure do appreciate it.
Mr. Wash:  Don’t mention it.  After all you’ve done, you deserve it. (puts arm around Rich, grins malevolently)

At the check in desk….

Clerk:  May I help you?
Mr. Wash (winks):  Yes, could I speak with Mr. H. Enchman, please?

Clerk (gives awkward look):  Certainly, just a moment.

Shady looking character with cheesy grin comes out of back office, hands small box of 3 golf balls to Mr. Wash, then scurries away.  The box has the letters “AIC” on it.  They finish signing in and put their stuff in the cart.

Mr. Wash:  I’m gonna grab a drink before we head out.  Don’t touch anything.

Rich waits in the cart and gets balls and tees organized.  While doing so, one of the AIC balls ends up with him.  Mr. Wash comes back out, a bit wobbly.

Mr. Wash:  Whew, that was a strong drink!

Gets in drivers seat, speeds off to first hole.   

Rich:  You wanna go first?
Mr. Wash:  Nah, go ahead.  I could use a good laugh.    

Mr. Wash slouches in cart.  Rich approaches tee, pulls AIC ball out and puts on tee.  He pulls club back awkwardly, does absurd downward chop, barely nips top of ball.  Ball rockets backwards, strikes Mr. Wash in the forehead.  He crumbles into unconsciousness.

Rich (gasps):  Mr. Wash!

Scene 4

That night, Mr. Wash is laying in a hospital bed.  He gets a visit from a long-faced man in a dark suit.    
 
Long-face:  How could you screw that up?
Mr. Wash:  Could you be more specific?

Long-face:  You had golf balls designed to target the person nearest you.  Somehow, you ended up letting him hit that ball, and you became the target.    

Mr. Wash:  I’m not really cut out for this cloak-n-dagger stuff, I guess.
Long-face:  Cloak? There is no cloak.  Dagger? There is no dagger.  All you had to do was hit a damn ball.    

Mr. Wash:  So what do we do now?
Long-face:  You keep your mouth shut about this whole fiasco.  I will go make other arrangements to handle this problem.    

Mr. Wash:  Do those arrangements happen to include letting me live?
Long-face:  If we desired you to be dead, trust me, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.  Sleep well.  (smirks and walks out)

Scene 5

Rich and Asha are having some tea at Rich’s place.  Nip is laying nearby, content after finishing his meal.  Rich has just told the story of what happened at golf.

Nip:  Ahhhh, now that was some good cat food.  That other stuff was terrible!  I hope that white powdered cat food never goes mainstream.

Asha:  You barely grazed the ball, and the thing took off backwards like a rocket?
Rich:  Yep, it was a one in a million shot.

Asha:  More like impossible.  Golf balls don’t do that.  And you said that some random guy showed up and gave your supervisor those balls, without paying for them? And this was the first time your supervisor, Mr. Wash, ever asked you to play?

Rich:  Yep.
Asha:  Does he play with other people from work?

Rich:  Oh yeah, I hear guys yukkin it up about golf with Mr. Wash all the time.
Asha:  Hmmmm, seems kinda fishy.  Especially the timing of the whole thing.  What was the brand name of the balls?

Rich:  Um, AIC, I think.
Asha (surprised laugh):  Very interesting. 

Rich:  What is it? Association of International Criminals?
Asha:  Not far off.  It’s CIA backwards.  Rich, this is getting more intriguing by the minute.    

Rich:  Oh, come on, why would the CIA be trying to kill me? 

Asha:  Because you've discovered some details of their dirty business.  This would explain a lot about all those cooked numbers you've seen at your job.  I'll bet half those companies on your list are just fronts.  

Rich:  And you expect me to believe that the CIA is dealing cocaine, too?
Asha:  There’s plenty of historical documentation about that.  You should look into it.    

Rich:  So what should we do with the video from Nip’s collar camera? Do you think we should put in online?

Asha:  I think we should, not only to expose what’s going on, but also to safeguard you.  If they think you have information that they want kept quiet, that makes you a bigger target.  If you at least put the information out, then they have less of a reason to kill you.

Rich:  Again, you’re not very comforting.
Nip:  She’s just being honest.  Suck it up.    

Rich:  Ok, I guess, go ahead and publish what we found, but don’t put my name in the report, ok?
Asha:  You got it!   

Nip:  You can use my name.  I’m not scared.    

Rich:  But then after this, it’s over.  I’m just gonna keep my head down and mouth shut.  Hopefully they’ll ignore me if I don’t go any further.

Asha:  Really? Well, I’m going to keep investigating with the information I already have.    
Nip (upset):  Rich, you realize this means that, by default, Asha will spend less time with us, right?    

Rich: Don’t you worry about your own personal safety? They could come after you, too, ya know.

Asha:  Doing the right thing and creating more freedom in the world is my top priority, Rich.  Personal survival is secondary.  And they won’t ignore you, either.  They’ll still think that you know more than you should about their shady money operations.  Anyway, I gotta go.  I’ll let you know when I publish the story, ok?

Asha walks out.   Nip gives disapproving look and walks away from Rich.  Rich gets glum and starts to reconsider.    

Stay tuned for episode 9!

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