If I could identify one spot for polishing, the fifth paragraph, you have four characters in that paragraph, and more than a dozen pronouns (Although the she-s are obvious). I'm sure as part of the larger story we know who Alan is, but right now he is an artifact of this paragraph.
I wonder if this is a result of re-ordering the sentences and not updating the pronouns after.
It happens to the best of us!
By the way, I only give free corrections for things I enjoy reading; I charge for copyediting boring stuff 😂
I'll be sure to only post only interesting content so as not to incur any extra fees.
Thats the way!