This one could have been, maybe should have been, an Allyship Sunday post. But I wanted to deal with this topic now, rather than next week, because of my previous post.
Yesterday, after reading Chloe Dykstra's post about Chris Hardwick, I publicly unsubscribed from his podcast, ID10T, and called on others to do the same. When I told my SO that I did it, she said "really? On the basis of one post?"
Well, yes. Really. Let's talk about why. This is Feminism Sunday.
Before we start, here's a content warning: This post will include discussion of rape and sexual assault. Proceed with caution of those are triggering to you.
Let's start with this, because it always comes up: I am not a court of law. My blog and my twitter and my facebook accounts aren't courts of law. I am not beholden to the legal standards of sexual assault, coercion, and spousal abuse.
The history of women speaking up about abuse is not a very uplifting story. It's a story where women are often disbelieved by the very law enforcement officers that should be helping them. It's a story about women being pressured to recant. It's a story where women's friends abandon them because they "tarnished" a "good man."
False reports of rape and sexual assault happen at roughly the same rates as other crimes, and that's without taking into account cases like the fairly famous one of Marie, a woman who was pushed to recant, and did - thus showing up in false report stats - only for the man to go on to rape several other women, and for his rape of her to be proven without a doubt.
And then, of course, there are the stats of how many perpetrators face jail time. Have a look at this image, from RAINN:
Source
It takes a lot to stand up and step forward and report. Reporting a rape is extremely scary and hard. Writing publicly about being assaulted is also terrifying. Writing publicly about being abused by a man who still holds a great deal of power in the industry you work in incredibly difficult.
Look at this screenshot, of [Chloe Dykstra's tweet about her post]
The question being asked? She discussed it at length in her Medium post. At. Length. But it didn't stop that dude from asking the question. Because for many, the first instinct is to question, even when the question has already been answered.
And that is why I default to believing women, believing victims of any gender.
Because - as I wrote - I am not a court of law, and I am not bound by the same rules - and my judgement doesn't have the same weight. My choice affects me, and any affect it has on the perpetrator is minuscule.
Related posts:
Allyship Sunday: Mental Illness and Suicide
Feminism Sunday: Feckless C-Word
Allyship Sunday: Crooked Media Is Doing It Right
Feminism Sunday: Male Feminist Predators
Allyship Sunday: Intent Isn't Magic
Feminism Sunday: Talkin' bout a Women's Revolution
Allyship Sunday: Representation Matters
Feminism Sunday: Male Savior Thoughts Following A Comics Contest
Allyship Sunday: Allyship Is Not Conditional
Feminism Sunday: It's Not About The Sisterhood
Allyship Sunday: Ally Is A Verb
Feminism Sunday: Splaining
Allyship Sunday: Stay In Your Lane
Feminism Sunday Redux
Feminism Sunday: Should It Continue?
Feminism Sunday: Feminists on the Blockchain
Feminism Sunday: Feminism 101, With GIFs!
On White Feminism
I Don't Want Ally Cookies
You Are Not An Alpha
Let's talk intersectionality
Thanks for this post. I wholeheartedly agree with you. Over the past year I've had several conversations with men who claim to be "feminists" and yet don't believe women who have shared their rape stories. For a woman to share something so vulnerable is difficult in the first place and then to not be believed makes us stay silent. Believe first, every time.
I am a three time survivor of sexual assault who has never once made an official report, for exactly the reasons you highlight above. I choose to believe survivors, always.
When I have tweeted about being a survivor, some of the responses often have included trolls making 'jokes' about how fat and ugly and unrapeable I am. Because some people are awful. And I know that others face responses ranging from supportive to hateful. Which is why I always believe. And we live in a world where that belief has very little impact on perpetrators, even post-#MeToo.
People are terrible, and I'm so sorry.
Alway at least give them the benefit of the doubt is important.
Thanks for this. It is incredibly difficult to speak up about. Those stats are disgusting. Particularly gross to me that one in seven convicted of a damn felony is not incarcerated.