I havent seen my daughter since Sunday and I dont know how to feel about that. Granted, she will have to get used to dad living in one place and she another, but I never wanted that kind of "family" for my children, which of course brings me back to the circumstances of her conception and the anger and pain associated with it. I could go see her whenever I want, but the truth is most of the time I'd rather not. Its not HER mind you, its the fact that my life was already bloated as it is (another reason I did not want to start a family now that her mom verbally agreed with, but didnt give a shit about when the time came).
I feel terrible about this because I feel I am to blame and that she should have more attention from me that I frankly, cant afford to give to her. But even with my terrible feelings about it I am somewhat okay with not seeing her. That actually makes me feel worse because it makes me wonder if I will ever really love her the way any child deserves to be loved. Family members say that I am too hard on myself, but that is because I have high standards for myself. I wanted to be the best father I could be when I was ready, but now since I have been prematurely forced into this position my daughter might have to settle for average (at best) and that kills me (not that anyone gives a damn how I feel but me anyway). =(
Life happens! You don't need to be the "best father". I don't even know what that is. Just be a father... I'm sure you'll learn to love her if you just hang around. Also, you might want to set aside you're feelings about the mother of your child and focus on the little girl.
I feel you... but that is why I started this Blog because I think no one ever gets to hear the Dad's side of things they just expect him to deal when being forced into fatherhood is actually psychologically damaging. I know I should only concern myself with my beautiful baby girl, but its just the sting of injustice that is hard to get over.
But I appreciate your advice and am now following you.