My pregnancy was hard. I cried every single day and my husband tried to support me the best he could. It was the final hour when I was about to be discharged from the hospital, without my baby. I couldn’t stand it.
The day I told my husband about my affair and the consequences, heart in my throat, was the hardest admission I’ve ever made in my life. He was upset but, not surprisingly, composed. He’s always been my rock, my greatest source of strength - but he’s also a quiet and unshakable kind of man. I told him I was getting an abortion and he said he’d support me no matter what I wanted to do.
At the abortion clinic, they showed me an ultrasound photo of this tiny wiggling bean in my womb and I left - unable to go through with terminating the pregnancy.
I then decided that I would look into adoption, and picked out the most amazing couple that I was sure any child would be lucky to have as parents. I really loved them and it made me feel a little better about the situation we were in. But I still cried. I cried for what I had done to my husband, I cried for a child who wouldn’t know me as her mother and I cried because of all the shame and loneliness that I felt. I cried because I didn’t deserve this man who loved and stood by me regardless of what I’d done. I let my husband know about the adoption and he told me, again, that he would support me no matter what I wanted to do.
The couple adopting my baby were there, at the hospital, fawning over my perfect daughter and I had no joy in me at all. I was devastated and hardly slept for three days. My lawyer had come, paperwork in hand. He left it all with me and said he’d be nearby. He explained to my husband that he, too, would need to sign. I looked over it, hardly able to read it through my tears.
Finally, the moment came and the nurses were preparing to discharge me, sending me home empty-handed and empty-hearted. My tears became sobs as I clutched my baby to my chest. I couldn’t imagine not being able to hold her or raise her and that thought was absolutely devastating. I hardly knew my husband was there until he suddenly stood up and said “Fuck this. I have had enough.” He then walked out. I had never heard him use that word before and I feared that that I was losing my baby and my husband in one day. I stopped crying and tried to memorize the features on my baby’s face, her tiny hands, her absolute trust in me - the woman about to abandon her.
After a few moments that felt like hours, my husband came back in the room, shaking. He paused, looked at me, and said, “I told you I would support you no matter what you wanted to do. It’s obvious that this,” he gestured towards the door where the adoptive parents and my lawyer were waiting, “isn’t what you want to do.”
Hi
I was completely and utterly confused, so he continued.
“We are keeping OUR daughter, I told them that I will not sign the paperwork. She is ours and I am taking you both home right now.”
Posted anonymously because this is a private story I prefer not to share with my colleagues.
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