My origial poetry, written and spoken by myself, Scott Bradley (@naquoya). I hesitated to publish this for several days, given it is a trip into one of my darker days. Still it speaks of light on the horizon, or at least its posibility. It may arrive, one day. Just not today. My thanks to @shawnamawna for her encouragement and reassurance.
► Listen on DSound
► Listen from source (IPFS)
One Day, Just Not Today
The space around had turned to black. A hole opened up, emerging out from my core. A vacuum was developing, pulsating out in surges of energy that announced its presence as I sought to balance myself anew.
The space was dark, but not so bad as to swallow me whole. No, it was in degrees less than I had once experienced. Things could have been worse. Because once upon a time they always were. But not today.
I felt the nausea bubbling up from the pits of my stomach. Just like I felt the shame rising from the core of my soul. The bubbles burst, spraying me with a vapour of unintended angst. Still it was not as bad as I had once known. It could have been worse, because once upon a time it always had been. But not today.
I sat in its midst and breathed in despair. And I longed for a day when I could say, "it's okay, you're okay." One day I will be able to say that. But not today.
To breathe in the present moment and not shudder to think of what once was. The past last viewed was littered with corpses of poor choices, and the remains of broken dreams. No point returning there. I used to go there so often. But not now, not today.
Things are different, though words betray my thoughts. The future could be different, if I could just be present with my soul. If I could figure out how to make sense of what's mine. When I can learn how to say, "it's okay, you're okay." I will one day say that. I know I will. Just not today.
When I can open the book and the pages reflect back an image once unseen and unknown. But no longer so. This is something for me to believe. It gives me each breath, and restores my soul. I need to rest and make peace with my own. I need to believe. I will one day believe. I know I will, just not today.
And when it's my time I will hear myself say, "it's okay, you're okay. Besides, it doesn't really matter anyway."
► Listen on DSound
► Listen from source (IPFS)
Images sources from unsplash.com and used with permission.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. If you liked it then please like, comment, and follow.
@naquoya
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Links to earlier works
- Fiction
My Fiction Writing Collection
Writing Myself Out of Existence
When the Levee Breaks
Reality Fading
Lessons Learned From a Dying Man - includes audio version.
- Blog Posts
-Notes From an Amateur Writer
Notes #49 - Conversation With My Multiple Selves
Notes #50 - Revisiting Childhood With Storm Boy and Mr Percival
Notes #51 - Some Of The Books That I Am Reading
Notes #53 - Finding the Right Character For the Job
Notes #54 - But First Coffee
-Ramble On (Humour based fictional travel blog)
#1 - Introducing My New Travel Blog
#2 - Making a Deal With the Devil
#3 - Getting Arrested, For Resisting Arrest
#4 - Love, Sex, and Guru Powers
Book Reviews
Soon - Lois Murphy
Altered Carbon - Richard Morgan
The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo - Stieg Larrson
Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep - Philip K. Dick
American Gods - Neil Gaiman
Fight Club - Chuck Palahniuk
Crooked God Machine - Autumn Christian
Well said :-) When we take the next breath, sometimes we find the hope of balance. I'm glad you kept breathing.
Those corpses rot really slowly ... sometimes others get stuck watching them rot ... instead of watching you grow. I've not found a good way to rescue them from that frozen state ... yet. Feel free to clue me in as you find the clues :-)
Thank you. Yes, we need to keep breathing, to keep riding the wave it provides.
I like your explanation of the rotting corpses, and how some people focus too much on ours and ignore our growth. Perhaps we can give those people too much credence, pushing our own awareness off our growth also. Part of the ongoing struggle of life I suppose, learning how to determine our own focus, and grant ourselves the opportunity to both breath out and breath in. to continue to ride those waves, and not get stuck within just one.
Well said.
I have a daughter stuck looking at those corpses of mine. She's terrified and convinced that's all there is to us. It will take a work from Yehovah (God) to break her loose from this.
I encourage you, as you grow, take along the people who were in battle with you. They have a better chance of understanding your changes if they see them big by bit - - even if all you do is share "today I learned." They are have a better chance of relating to you in the now if now isn't new.
Hope that makes sense.
I hear what you are saying, although I have tried bringing many people with me, shielding them as best I could, but have them in my life. So many dropped off along the way. Became too busy, changed interests, feigned other things, but my intuition tells me clearly that when my moods get overwhelming and I retreat into my shell sometimes people actually do not understand. Despite saying otherwise.
I get it now, mostly. I never used to. Life feels better lived with less anger than with more. Perhaps the person who needed to stop looking at those old corpses the most was me all along.
And the ones that are still with me, well they are cherished more than they will ever know.
I understand. And yes, so much yes. Life with less anger is indeed more better.
Nice share @naquoya.
This is the first piece I've seen of coupled written poetry + dsound audio and I love it! I was just talking to some friends about how I think poetry should really come through the voice of the poet. this does the trick. Thanks for this deep raw share here.
Thank you, glad you could visit. This is still new to me, but I'm about three poems into my new audio and written uploads. I agree, it makes such a world of difference hearing the author speaking the words, as well as reading them oneself. And I tell you, from an authors perspective, it helps to get the correct feel for the words and their flow when doing it this way.
Very appreciative of your feedback and helping me get a sense of the value in this approach.
I like to remember that humans communicated through speech before written word, and written word is a structuring and in a manner compression of the open imaginative visual understanding of human sound.
In other terms.... speaking your poetry = pretty much magic. Dripping with value.
That's so true. If the word was in the beginning then it was the spoken word. Sound waves do have a power far greater than just visually receiving the information. Magic indeed, thanks :)
@naquoya this is great! #steemitbloggers! new follower
Thanks for your creative feedback, I love it :)
I appreciate you having a read/listen and letting me know.
I am grateful you chose to share this. So many days this has been my "today." Your refrain of "not today" is hopeful as it implies another day will come, and it's worth hanging on for it. Thank you for deep and beautiful writing that feels honest and true.
I did feel hopeful whilst writing this. And it was interesting given I also felt very stuck in the midst of something I didn't want o be in. Like being in, or aware of, two distinct states of mind at the same time. One present with me, one lingering around trying to get my attention.
Thanks for your feedback and assistance. It was a gentle push in the right direction just when I needed it :)
This piece is one of my favorites here in steemit. In my one month stay in the platform, I have never read a piece that I could relate so much, except for this one. Very well done. No words to describe how much I adore your style of writing. So much emotions put into this piece . I just stumbled upon your account and now I feel no regret in reading some of your recent works. You inspire me so much @naquoya. I hope you continue writing pieces like this. Never mind if it's from your dark days, you'll never know how many people you create an impact to. Thank you very much.
Thank you so much for taking the time to let me know how this poem/piece of writing has helped and inspired you. It is good to know you found value in it, because I did waver in whether to post it or not. But I am glad that I did, because the feedback has been very encouraging. I do have others like this, and with those too I go through bouts of uncertainty, but reading your comment does help me a lot.
I hope you post your works similar to this one. Who knows, maybe other steemians can feel such strong emotions and reflect upon your works just like I did.
Your poem is a short story. I can see your pain and hope intertwined. Knowing your life story I can see where this poem came from. From the deep anguish of our hearts come hidden treasures that sparkle bringing us one step closer to the light.
It is a poetic style short story, in a way. I mixture of the two. And I certainly try to convey a sense of the despair and the hope, that the two exist simultaneously, crossing paths, so to speak. Thanks for your comment :)
I, not knowing anything about your life story, am left curious. At first I thought that it may be struggles with depression, but @mineopoly's comment makes me think it's something that happened. Not knowing the details, I'm not sure this would help, but there's something I do that has so far always managed to bring me to a place of centeredness: I'm an atheist, so I don't have what many cling to: faith. ... Instead, I think about existence. The existence not of myself or any one thing, but that anything exists at all. I try tackle the impossibility of imagining how much time has gone by since the universe started, and the vast empty space of which the universe is mostly made. I pinpoint myself in all this, and then willingly and joyfully lose myself in it. I become not-myself, my consciousness expanding into everything. With this, I'm momentarily filled with a liberating peace/gladness.
More background details can be found here Who is Naquoya?
This particular piece is from a sense of depression that has come in waves over many years. I have tried many ways to deal with it, except pills, as I personally prefer to feel what I feel. This is just me, and my way of being. Things such as meditation help, possibly similar to what you discuss. Problem is, often one doesn't feel up to doing such a thing at the very moment it is really needed.
A very recent bout of the blues lead to this piece, and just how I was feeling as I rode the wave through it. I have good days. Lots of them. I have very good days. Unfortunately I also have bad days. This writing was just me coming to terms with that.
Thanks for your comment.
When you're in that space, the best thing to realise is you only need get through today with no expectations of feeling better or worse.
Very true, and not just that, this actually came from that realisation. That notion that I've been here before, and perhaps I will be here again. They're just cycles on a wave - that final line, besides, it doesn't matter anyway indicating that each day keeps passing by, so just get through it.
Have you posted this before? I feel like it's rather familiar. But, that doesn't take away the power of the whole piece. Every line was heartrending, and it feels as if it bleeds out every negative emotion, in the best possible way. I hope that you found some catharsis by the end of it, because I surely did.
By the way, the volume's still really low. I don't know if I'm just the only person to experience that.
No, this one is brand new. The familiarity is probably the theme, as I don't think I've written anything close to this. The dark mood, but hopeful feeling is quite typical for me, I suppose. And yes I did find this cathartic. So much so that I wasn't sure whether to post it initially. Some space was needed first.
As for the volume, i agree with you, although I've not heard any one else saying anything. Perhaps my recorded speaking voice is naturally quiet, as I concentrate on speaking clearly. I will look into my recording levels before I post the next one.
Thanks for your feedback.
I'm verifying my problem with the volume levels in dSound. Check your first one and see that the levels are higher than the ones I had volume issues with.
This is what i feel almost everyday, when all comes crashing down.
Nice poem
Just got to ride those waves, as best you can. I feel you. Writing about it, like this, helps me.
Thanks for your comment.
Aahh man, only you could write something a lot of us feel so beautifully and sincerely. I mean, I don't know of anybody else who writes it this way. A lot of us can relate to this feeling because it is how we feel at different points in our life. I have felt like that so many times and I know I'll say 'I'm okay, things are okay' but not today is something I say myself a lot these days. I have realized that now isn't my time to fully focus on and do what I want but that time will come soon but it is not right now. Love this!!!!
I was hoping that at some level people could relate, if they had been through similar in their own journeys. I'm very glad to hear you found it beautiful and sincere, that means a lot. There is a darkness there, it is real, but like life it is in flow. This isn't supposed to be about swelling on it in some perverse way, but in acknowledging truth, and from that possibly finding a sense of healing.
To know that others can also benefit from these words is a bonus for me, whether just from the words, or from something deeper. Thank you :)
I didn't find it perverse in any way. I think it was beautiful in its own way and yes there was some darkness but it was profound and intriguing and even upsetting but not perverse. I think nowadays a lot of us think too much into things that arent meant to be given that much thought and this blows stuff out of proportion which is why certain things that aren't even perverse are labelled as that.
I was very tempted to recite this poem. Do u mind if I do that and upload it or just send to u on discord?
Wow! That took me back to a time where I felt quite overwhelmed and exhausted. I see most people have so much to say about it but it left me feeling quite speechless. Thank you for sharing :)
So long as it's a good speechless. Not wanting to put you back in something you have no need to feel again, but if it make you think to question in any way then maybe I will take that. Thank you for listening.
Yes in a good way - and it did pass! I feel so much more capable now - it made me see how far I've come :)
Then that's a good thing. Thanks for sharing :)
I feel so blessed that I've never suffered from this type of darkness. Grief, sorrow, overwhelm, exhaustion, yes, but not this. For me, although the material was dark, the tone was hopeful, with the recognition that "this too shall pass". I imagine when you're smack bang in the middle of it, that's way out of sight. Glad you're on your way back to us.
Yes, the theme really was one of this too shall pass. That's a good way to put it. And normally that is too difficult to grasp onto, but that really was the difference in this work, what made me want to write it - I saw it and felt it in the middle of it all. I sensed that notion that it would pass. So this was just me being in two frames of mind at the same time, rather than completely succumbing to the dark mood. Thanks for your comment.
well done...I could hear the nausea 'bubbling up' in my head!
Whilst I don't wish to leave any unsettled feeling in you, I am glad the emotions came through and could be felt/sensed. Thanks for your feedback.
Wonderfully written!
Thank you, so glad you liked it.
I didn't know you're a poet too @naquoya ... I like the smoothness of your swapping between hope and despair with a tone of sad emotions that reflects pain yet a deep desire to lift yourself up, if it's worth lifting it up.
I started with poetry when I arrived here at Steemit, but it wasn't my area of strength. I have started to look into it again, having practised a lot more longer form writing.
Thanks for sharing your feedback, and what you got from this work. It was that sense of back and forth, that I'm almost there feeling, that I was trying to capture. That knowingness that things are getting better, but sometimes it all seems to slow. But yes, the underlying desire is to lift myself up - that is certainly the key element.
Sorry I haven’t been around to comment, I’ve been under the weather. I kind of feel like the guy in your poem, I’ll feel better soon, but just not today.
No problem at all. I think we were both absent for a few days, so I may have missed some of yours. Glad to see you back though. And I do hope you feel better, one day, if not today. Thanks for the visit :)
Great 👍
Thank you.
Your poetry evoked the dread I felt during my depressive state a few years ago. Great work!
Thanks for your comment. Glad it conveys the right emotion, not easy to get across sometimes.
Really enjoy your use of imagery in particular.
And I mean your literal imagery, the way you space your picture choices within the post. The girl in the diner and the TV really do a lot to 'break up' the sections and just add an extra element to the whole piece. Ties it together quite nicely.
What was the emotional inspiration behind this piece? It reads as if you're writing about dealing with depression or just a general numbness but I'd love to hear what you actually had in mind when working on it.
Upvoted and followed, would love to have you stop by and get your input on my latest piece ! Can't wait to hear your thoughts :)
Thank you for your wonderful feedback. The photos felt very much like they belonged with this piece of writing, glad to know you agree. Placing is important also, of course.
The writing itself speaks of depression, in particular a recent bout. Having been writing for some time now this was the first I sat through an episode of it and took notes so to speak. Whilst no means through it yet, the worst of the dark feelings passed by, and this was the result. Almost from the perspective of me looking at myself outwardly back in at myself.
I'd be happy to drop by your post when I get a chance, and share my thoughts with you.
You're so very welcome, and you've definitely given me something to think about when it comes to my next poem!
I'm sorry to hear you were feeling depressed, though I'm happy to hear you were able to take the negativity of that emotion and turn it into something positive by means of this poem. The best way to deal with negative emotions in my experience is to challenge them into something healthy. Just think, if it hadn't been for that bout of depression, you may have never wrote this poem.
In any case, I'm glad you're feeling better and I'm looking forward to you (hopefully) enjoying my piece as well : )
The feeling of depression comes and goes. It's usually made worse by me pretending I feel fine when I actually don't. That was the feeling - the realisation - that lead to this particular piece. Knowing the wave always bottoms out and rises again. Its done that for a long time now, so why fight it. Perhaps learn from it.
I can be very productive in the good periods. This is a rare case when i have been productive in the darker days. I take this as a good sign, a sense of maturity regarding feeling depressed. It doesn't own me, just shares my journey on some days.
Thanks again for your thoughtful comments :)
It's wonderfully written @naquoya... 👍👍👍
Thank you.
Nice poetry!
Thank you.
Hello I am new here and I am a recently started writing and I think this is a brilliant. You can read some of my stuff at @osasuj.
Thank you.
cool
Cool
Wonderfully written poetry/prose @naquoya. In my mind it described the inner struggle, the battle with the inner-critic that spends all his/her time picking at the seams of all my positive mental constructs.
I loved this metaphor:
Bitter/sweet poem for me, sad but poignant in its expression of that sadness.
Wow you got real talent there. Keep posting. :) Upvoted
This is such a beautiful piece, what a sombre moment it must have been to be face to face with these feelings.
I like how real this is and how so many people can relate to this truth. Thank you.