It hits like a ton of bricks. I have Major Depressive Disorder. It can be severe and it can happen fast. One day you're doing ok; the next day you're not.
It engulfs you like a nightmare. A real life nightmare that you can't get out of.
Outside the sun is blasting and it's hot and bright. Inside-inside me is dark and I don't even want to go outside. Or go anywhere. Or do anything. The fact that I have roommates does not help. It only aggrevates and complicates. I want alone-ness. Silence.
You just wanna scream. But you can't.
I can't focus. I can't talk. All I can do is cry, panic, and think about the bottles of medication on my table that I could take. That would deaden. Everything.
Oh yes. And I forgot to mention the severe anxiety that goes along with it. This is the part that's killer. If it we're just depression alone, I would curl up in a little ball in bed; hide and sleep. It's the anxiety that puts me in perpetual panic. That's sits on top of me like a suffocating monster.
And here it comes. To try and convince me to admit defeat. Take the pills. Loose the never ending war. To give in to the darkness.
Today I want to give in to the monster. Today I wish I was alone with no roommates. Today I just want it all ...ALL OF IT TO GO AWAY!
GO AWAY!
GO AWAY!
GIMME THE DAMN PILLS!
And then I think of these two.
And I pick up the phone to call crisis.
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Cat Images Mine
Aww @luanne, I can't begin to say that I understand what you are going through, but I can tell you that my son suffers with depression and anxiety and I know what it looks like and I know the feeling of helplessness, of not being able to help, of thinking that there is no hope. My friend here, @maverickinvictus, has dealt and is dealing with the same things, and I know he can offer you words of encouragement and help.
For what it means, I would miss you here.
And I know what your cats mean to you, and they would miss you too.
Sending lots of love and positive thoughts your way. Find me on Discord (#4299) if you ever need to talk. <3
Thank you Lynn for tagging me this and I know the difficulties of Major Depressive Disorder and anxiety as well.
It takes so little to trigger the anxiety and then when depression hots you just want to be alone and not be around people.
Until now I am still not okay but have accepted that it is okay not being okay,
If you need a supportive community or someone to talk you can join us in Prevent Suicide
https://discord.gg/ppVKBvt this community is headed by @nathankaye and we are ready to help and listen without any judgement.
Thank you so much @maverickinvictus, I knew you'd have kind words for @luanne, but you'd also have something more specific to help ❤️
No worries Lynn and I am glad that you had me tagged there .
Whatever we can do to help people taht have this pain.
No worries Lynn and I am glad that you had me tagged there .
Whatever we can do to help people taht have this pain.
Thank you, both of you. I had a group meet with my roomies last night. They were all very supportive, and that was very helpful. I do have supports in place, it's just sometimes things still get to be ok.
You are welcome @luanne; I'm glad you have that support right there!
I didn't even realize that I did so it was a nice surprise!
Oh it's terrible to have that. Sorry to hear that. Maybe you can also walk outside and spend time in nature when it hits? Or eat some chocolate too aside from the crisis help line...
Also maybe meditation and yoga can help? I did a mental health post a while back when I was feeling low. I don't have it that bad but I hope you find something to help you the most when it hits.
And yes, think of your fluffy adorable fluffs!!! So cute. ❤
My kitties are what keeps me going Everytime! I also talked to my roomies who supportive too. I'm in counseling, which helps, and I also have medication. I have to make sure I take my meds like I'm supposed to, though.
Awwww. That's good to know. Cats are ♥.
Sorry to hear you deal with such difficulties. I feel like I have similar thoughts on an almost daily basis. It's not fun. I wish I could just magically change my thinking to be more positive, but.. I feel like I'm trying to be honest and look at he world the way it is, not the way I'd like it to be. Though.. I do realize hope and optimism are really important as well. It's a strange weird balance to try to find between them all. I found this post cause of what you meantioned on discord about thinking of quitting steem and I just scrolled down your wall and I dunno if the two are related, but.. I hope things have improved for you and I hope they improve more soon. If you ever want someone to talk to, I'm around.