RE: Absent Fathers - Do They Feed Mental Illness?

Wow George -- you and I have so much in common, it's uncanny. I imagine that's one reason our paths have crossed. I have seen that a lot in life -- that people are drawn to each other due to things they have in common. I have found this often to be the case in my friendships, but also opposites are drawn to each other; such as in subconscious seeking out of people that can have a balancing affect on us.

My parents divorced when I was two years old, only it was my mom who left my father. I understand why too; he's a controlling, alcoholic covert narcissist and I suspect that his own father was also. Anyway, I also had to deal with much of the same consequences you have, and different ones. I am impressed by how aware you are of the underlying currents and issues you had to deal with growing up and still do.

Whether male or female, a father being absent in a child's life has irreversible outcomes that can never be undone; however we can learn to understand and rise above it. I certainly understand the pressure you felt to be the 'man of the house' and protect the family. Ironically, I was that way also in compensation. I always wanted to be 'strong' for my mother, to the very end. I put myself last in the family dynamics. I felt an emptiness and a sense of not belonging that stayed with me throughout my life.

It's sad that I almost thought it was 'normal' to get a gift once a year from my father for my birthday/Christmas but I always looked forward to it. That was the only relationship I had with him during my formative years. When I entered my teens my parents were both remarried by then, and I reached out to visit my father when I was 12. Our relationship has been stormy ever since, but has settled into a complacent 'acceptance'. Sometimes I wonder if the damage would have been worse if my mother stayed with him and seeing how bad it can get even from a distance I understand why she left him. I'm not saying she didn't have her issues too. I think that's what brought them together.

What further compounded things was that my mom remarried a man who was schizo effective and had cyclic outbursts of violence, which terrorized my mom and I. The rest is history and too complex to go into here, but yes, I agree one-thousand percent, that a father's absence affects a child's mental health. I also have dealt with ptsd, anxiety, ocd and depression. The good news is that I am better now after years of self-help and spiritual practices. You asked me about Chakras. I am posting an article about it, starting with the 'root' Muladhara Chakra, which is all about our 'foundation' in life and where it all started, even before birth! Yes, even an unborn foetus feels what is going on, especially with the mother. Oh, I forgot, my father wanted my mother to abort me and he even tried to force her by having a medical student from the university come over, but she ran away from it. That my father didn't want me initially didn't help matters at all as far as having a healthy beginning. And, I've always felt that way with him. I often wonder if trying to have a relationship with him was more damaging than helpful. At least I think I understand more and am wiser for it. You may want to check out my article on the 'Chakras'. I hope to have it posted today.

All I can say is that it took a lot of strength and stubborn will for me to work on overcoming, or at least, managing these things, which I continue to do to this day and probably will need to my entire life.

That all sounds very familiar in a lot of ways, I can relate to the fact that it may be damaging to try to have a relationship with a father who is less than a positive influence in your life, generally any previous attempts I have had with my father to make things better have ended up in me getting more and more damaged, he is now a distant figure, we have issues that I doubt inside will ever be resolved now, at very best perhaps more level of understanding about reasons could be brought about, but as far as the overall things go the damage has been done, it always amazes me when parents make little effort and the most effort comes from the child, someone possibly didn't tell them what the fundamental basics of being a parent actually is, they seemed to miss that lesson and then never learn it afterwards either. :-(