One Kind of Life

"Let death be what takes us. Not imagination" (BJ Miller, executive director of zen hospice)

I heard this quote today while listening to the TED Radio Hour. I HIGHLY recommend this podcast, by the way. Amazing collaborations of TED speakers, with each episode centered on one topic. This quote came from an episode about death. I heard it, paused the podcast, and repeated it under my breath until I had it memorized. I am mesmerized by this sentiment.

It captures an unavoidable truth- we are all going to die. There will be an end to each of our lives, at least in the capacity we inhabit them now. And because this is one of few absolutes in this crazy universe, it is crazy to allow "imagination" to take us early. I'll elaborate. Our human tendencies include, but are not limited to:

predicting the worst possible outcome
avoiding placing trust in others
undermining our own self- worth
believing that things are too far out of our reach to strive for
Each of these has the ability to squander our souls. They kill different parts of us: stillness, relationships, confidence, and the ability to dream. They are mental constructs that can become reality only if we decide to let them.

My grandmother was diagnosed with liver cancer when I was a sophomore in high school. Prior to the diagnosis she was physically healthy and mentally sharp; it was a shock to our family. We had six weeks from the moment we learned of her disease to the day that we lost her. Those weeks could have been painted in so many different colors. We could have become angry and bargained with the universe and imagined scenarios in which she survived. But this wouldn't have kept her alive, it would have killed all of us. And while I promise that each of us did this during the process, for the most part, she wouldn't let us.

Instead, she requested hospice. And these remarkable individuals came and made her comfortable in her own home. She requested singing, and the Threshold Choir came and made beautiful noise with our whole family. My grandma Jacqueline became pure love. There are a couple moments that I will always hold close to my heart.
~ There was the time that she grabbed my hand and said Will they treat me this well in heaven? You were all my angels, now I have to promote you to archangels
~ There was my uncle's talk at her funeral, when he said If I can learn to embrace life the way that Jacquie embraced death, then that will be enough

She died with her husband, seven children, and nine grandchildren under her roof. We sat around her bed together, cried a lot, and told stories. We spent the night there before her service, and rode as a group to the church. It was not the fear of dying or of not having done enough with her lifetime that killed her, but death itself.

I want to go in this way, after having spent a long lifetime collecting connections and memories. I wish to be free from the things in my life that are killing me before my time. These things are insidious beasts, figments of my imagination that need not exist in reality. I believe that the work of identifying and eliminating them is a brave journey towards liberation. Carpe diem.