This post will showcase my opinion and my answer from my perspective on the first question of the 30-Day Challenge: Level. IV: Relationships, Life, the Self, and COVID by @dbuzz
warning: this article might sound sad, disapproving, and nervous. therefore, it just showing some shreds of evidence to prove my point of view on the topic. therefore, please forgive me for the formal way of writing. and take it in a friendly way.
1. Do you believe that first love never dies? Why or Why not?
NO I DO NOT believe that first love never dies. it dies. Also, I do not believe that we won't be able to love again and again. we do.
I believe that first love like any other kind of relationship. will die. Eventually, our common delusion satisfies our souls before finding the first love that may shape the dream of having the first love.
I truly believe that 'we', Humans, could control our observation of the world, shape our reality. and live. whether in 'reality or delusion'. depending on which of these is more comfortable for us in the first place.
Therefore, we must dive into the psychological aspect of ourselves. and analyze the first love and its impact on us. whether a good or a bad impact. But first, let us define love as a psychological event that occurs in our brains. according to Nikka Celeste "First love is the first dose of addiction" (Celeste N., 2020). a very realistic and materialistic observation for love. and how our brains interact with love or how our brains interact WHILE being in love. Nikka leans on a study by Helen Fisher, Arthur Aron, and Lucy L. Brown titled (Romantic Love: An fMRI study of a neural mechanism for Mate Choice) the paper which was published in 2005 discusses through the observation and analysis of functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) methods to test romantic love as a "developed form of this attraction system" (Fisher H. et al., 2005), the system which was described as "the dopaminergic reward system" (Fisher H. et al., 2005) through testing two hypotheses about the neural mechanism associated with romantic love:
- Romantic love would involve subcortical dopaminergic pathways that mediate reward (Liebowitz, 1983; Fisher, 1998)
- Romantic love would involve neural pathways associated with goal-directed behaviors, supporting the protection that romantic love is a goal-directed state that leads to a range of emotions, rather than a specific emotion (Aron and Aron, 1991; Aron et al., 1995)
the study of Fisher et al. recruited 10 women and 7 men with an age range of 18 - 26 years old who were "currently intensely in love" and reported a duration of 1 - 17 months of being in love.
thus, the evidence from fMRI studies supports the hypothesis that multiple reward regions using dopamine are activated during feelings of romantic love, and this human phenomenon shows behavioral and neural system similarities with other mammalian species. - Fisher H. et al., 2005
all the above pieces of evidence will prove that our brains are capable of developing the neural connections and rewarding system of itself to feel love. but it definitely does not involve the first love as the subject of study. yet, it claims to test a tiny group of people who claims to be feeling intense love. which could be the first, second, or whatever. but the shocking fact that love as our brain understands as a neural system associated with motivation to acquire a reward rather than a specific emotion that overlaps with the sex drive which is derived from being a mammal.
which suggests that our brains will encourage us to get the next dose of love drugs. in which these drug cocktails consist of hormones. which are Dopamine, oxytocin, and norepinephrine. the same cocktail which could be released by our bodies when having sex experience with a non-lover, or when eating chocolate.
Drug Cocktail
Dopamine: according to WebMD Medical Reference, Dopamine is considered as a "chemical messenger" (WebMD, 2019) that this hormone is produced by our bodies and used by our nervous system "to send messages between nerve cells" (WebMD, 2019). also, this hormone on specific is associated with feeling pleasure, which will eventually affect many aspects of our daily life. such as motivation, mood, the well to learn, the ability to sleep, and nevertheless, the pain processing. also. dopamine has a vital role in our mental health; in which, high amounts of dopamine (hyperactive dopamine system) are associated with hallucinations and delusions. and on the other hand, the lack of dopamine will definitely cause a lack of motivation and desire.
Oxytocin: the love hormone, which has always been known as the hormone that is produced by our bodies (released) in both, men and women, during orgasm. it is also associated with "boosting" other feelings and emotions that we feel. such as "trust and empathy" (Doheny K., 2010) as well as "reducing anxiety and stress" (Doheny K., 2010). Doheny also claims that this hormone is a factor in the quality of our social life. basically, the higher doses of Oxytocin released by our bodies the happier we seem to be. regarding that, it is a post-sexual behavior hormone. that is released as a reward in our bodies. it is one core factor that controls our ability to maintain a longer relationship as well as love's betrayal. in other words, cheating. according to Professor Paul Zak. "Those with higher oxytocin had more sex with fewer partners" and that is also related to the number of partners that we had sex with.
norepinephrine: sometimes referred to as noradrenaline, it is a neurotransmitter and hormone that "responds to stress and low blood pressure" according to WebMD Medical Reference, "It also plays a role in managing your ability and your ability to focus." (WebMD, 2021). which indicates that this hormone in specific is the hand behind our racing heartbeats when being with our lovers. or when a moment of intense love happens. or when stress is occurring during an event of belonging to that mate.
Now, after knowing the key factors that make us feel good or bad because of the intense kind of love (romantic love). Which I personally believe might occur in life multiple times and still feels as good as the first one. and might feel much better. we need to ask the following questions! would that make love fake? and what are the effects of first love on other romantic love relationships in our life?
it's a chemical reaction, there is nothing called love! is love fake?
of course not, in a term of its existence, our feelings and emotions could be measured by current science means; through sensors and imagery. these images and scans would definitely indicate a certain type of emotion that we feel. we truly feel. like any other hormone cocktail produced by our bodies, such as anger. or sadness. or happiness. if they were measured and the science of today could explain. what are the body organs behind these feelings. it does not require. that we did not live these feelings. instead, it only showing the factors behind these feelings. which might be helpful for you to understand your situation and step on it. Nevertheless, sometimes we might do our best to escape the hard reality into an easier life **delusion ** that is more logical to us, or more comforting. and here where the danger is stalking us. when that delusion will be developed eventually into a fake reality that we live in. which is hazardous. and could lead us to a personality disorder. especially if someone has invaded that bubble and destroyed it. and forced us to get back into the mere reality, the ugly one that we have denied for a long period of time, and escaped into lalaland. The materialistic analysis for our brain and body behavior during falling in love event is real. as long as this feeling of love is associated with our mate that we want to become a pair and continue in our life journey with.
it is pure and exists. but sometimes, the feeling of love is only a delusion that we create as a bubble and comfort zone that would make us feel better, have a better life. or when the preferences of choosing the right mate are corrupted and confined by materialistic preferences such as the beauty, the money, and financial status, the power and authority which will be gained if being in that relationship, and in the worst case: exploitation.
which believe you are lucky enough to find out that you have been exploited by that lover in an early time. before things get more real. and deeper. that would definitely lead you to lose yourself. whether if that mate is looking at you as an empty body to unleash unbridled energies or as a "companion" that will help them "walk around" their despair.
what is the impact of first love on later relationships?
on one hand, falling in love has an impact on the quality of our life, also the way we observe ourselves. whether we feel satisfied with ourselves or we feel guilt and grief. nevertheless, love could make us feel motivated to do things. to learn. to seek success and to fight or daily struggles. especially when getting lucky and be in a relationship with a supporting soul mate.
regarding that love or any other kind of firsts (first kiss, first sex, first flirt, first pick up line drop, first time to try a certain food, first time to drive a bike, first time to get cheated on, etc.) has a 'memory bump' or a memory peak. regarding the hormonal imprints left in our brains and memories. these firsts tend to have more impact on our lives.
therefore the problem occurs when we try to find "the same exact feeling" of our first intense love in or any other experience in another later love relationship or experience.
in my opinion, that is very illogical and irrelevant. it's not fair for pizza to be judged and compared with drinking hot chocolate on a rainy night. both experiences have different impacts on us, and both have different tastes of experiences.
therefore (if you are comparing your current lover with your ex) please stop looking for the same exact feeling that you had with your first Ex or one of your Exes and try to build a new life, a new experience with the current or the future lover. understand and accept and seek for acceptance and this will definitely lead you to greater attachment, a healthier relationship, and of course: a deeper love.
Monochrome Photo of Couple Laughing, photo by: cottonbro - pexels
Conclusion
In conclusion: I believe that love as a romantic relationship could help us raise our awareness and consciousness. shape our future expectations in relationships and trusting newcomers to our lives. like any other kind of relationship. such as friendship. or building a peer to peer relationships with our peers, colleagues, or workmates. or in abstract. like any other experience in life. these first experiences would have special places in our brains. though other experiences from the same type would feel good or sometimes they would feel much better. depending on factors that would truly make the second, third, or "whatever" try much better. therefore, I truly believe that if we get stuck in love grief; it would be hard for us to step on our problems and move forward in our lives. therefore, we should be careful and get real. redefine love. put better preferences for our mates that we look for and dream to live the rest of our lives with. and learn from our failures. to maintain our selves.
it is not easy to feel pain, especially when that pain is related to cheating and betrayal. (from a self-experience getting cheated on is the hardest) therefore I truly recommend that you find close people around you. ask them for help, if they are true and righteous. they will differently offer a helping hand in your difficult times and make you feel much better. in a way or another. get the f out of your shell, break that bubble that is stopping you from living. get to know new people, do new experiences such as fast-walking or sports; these will help you spend some time, release some of the negative energy that is consuming your heart energy. and live your life. be prepared for future events and love yourself.
if HE/SHE is gone. (believe it). you will get to know another. just focus to have a better life. and it will happen.
Unlike Ser Jaime of house Lannister from the famous series (Game of thrones); the following image is some of the sorts of "the things we do for love".
a photomanipulation with Arabic calligraphy (هي الروح) which translates to she is the soul. by Mutaz E. G. Alhawash (me).
references:
Celeste, N. (2020). The Psychology Behind First Love. Psychreg. Retrieved from https://www.psychreg.org/first-love
Fisher, H. (2005). Romantic Love: An fMRI Study of a Neural Mechanism for Mate Choice. The Journal of Comparative Neurology. Retrieved from http://www.helenfisher.com/downloads/articles/13JourCompNeur.pdf
WebMD Medical Reference. (2019). What Is Dopamine?. retrieved from https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/what-is-dopamine
Doheny, K. (2010). Oxytocin More Than Mere 'Love Hormone'. WebMD Medical Reference. retrieved from https://www.webmd.com/a-to-z-guides/news/20101114/oxytocin-more-than-mere-love-hormone
WebMD Medical Reference. (2021). The Difference Between Epinephrine and Norepinephrine. retrieved from https://www.webmd.com/brain/difference-between-epinephrine-and-norepinephrine