Thoughts wandering off to find an explanation for not being focussed lately

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Stuck on my writings

I've been writing some things, and even though the start was usually great, I got stuck on all of those writings for different reasons. And honestly, I hate when that happens and it's frustrating me a lot at the moment. Today I got reminded that it's a holiday (St Nicholas evening) that we used to celebrate in Holland. This evening children traditionally get gifts and open them tonight. I always try to forget this day, because we don't really celebrate it here as far as I knew. I found out that they traditionally celebrate something similar, but I always prefer to let this day pass without too much thinking about it. Therefore we decided to celebrate Christmas instead. Which makes more sense anyway as it's known worldwide.

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Finding an explanation for my thoughts that wander off

Tonight we have a Christmas celebration at my boyfriend's work. All families are invited, and this will be the first encounter (outside our little family that is) for our daughter with any sort of Christmas celebration. In a few weeks, she will be having the first one at school as well, but this is the premiere. Although I find it cool to make these new memories, I realized that all of this may be the reason that I'm losing my focus continuously lately. Although I may not speak about it, there's this huge feeling of missing two parts of me during the holidays. Although these feelings can be overwhelming at any time of the year, my experience is that when I'm confronted with the holiday season, I tend to be reminded of memories I used to make during these days. Sometimes it can be harder to enjoy making new ones in the present because of this. Being aware of this is the first step to change that though, writing it off helps a lot too.

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I manage to deal with these emotions quite well

Keeping myself busy is one of the tricks to cope with those emotions. Another one is writing or talking about it, but talking about it usually means I end up in tears, therefore I prefer writing. It works therapeutically. And I notice that when time passes it gets easier, overall that is because the intense moments of grieving (because that's what it is even though there's no death involved)and intense moments of pain in my heart never go away. It's just that these moments aren't triggered on a daily basis anymore. And I'm glad this is the case because some years ago I felt like I would never be able to grab myself together and do anything meaningful anymore in the future. I've come from a deep dark hole filled with emotions I can't even describe.

I'm thankful for what I have now

I try to focus on the things that I can control and those things that I can be thankful for instead of dwelling in misery. This is working better for me than feeling angry, extremely hurt and sad and therefor wishing some people the same as they've caused this situation for our family. I noticed that my overall feeling will not be that great, and it will be hard to focus on positive things when I think that way. So instead I try to kill these thoughts with kindness. Not kindness towards those that were the reason this all went down like this, no kindness to myself. It all starts with being happy and confident yourself, right? I have to be the strongest version of myself (a reminder for me personally, as I sometimes tend to forget it lol), so I can be the best mom as well. Once things go smooth, it will all get easier and challenges that may feel like a huge burden today will vanish to the background. I've experienced this quite some times, and I just need a gentle reminder to myself every once in a while.

This writing was mainly meant to clear my mind and to give myself those important reminders I so need at this moment. Thank you for reading if you stuck through it to the end... I hope I can now slowly finish all my other tasks and writings with a clear mind.. :)

~Anouk

Note: this was supposed to be published on @anouk.nox account. I didn't notice being logged in to this account.. So this must look weird in between my Splinterlands posts.. :)