thanks man, sorry to hear that 5 year plan didnt work out, thats my worst fear regarding that type of thing and probably why i dont do one but at least you tried it and now you know the outcome of doing that, you are older and wiser now i suppose
the default route is fun, cuz you can indulge yourself and enjoy things and all, but it doesnt hurt to know where its going. i barely thought about that before but the last month i have began to structure my days and ive become really productive as far as music goes so its a big step forward for me
it was going well, until I started looking into spirtual stuff there a couple weeks ago and got off track. like the 'sacred secretion' which is apparently a dmt rich fluid you can make your brain produce, and occult teachings and stuff. when somethings really interesting plans kind of go out the window to do more research lol
Yeah, I'll take failure over not trying ... the thought of letting it all slide without giving it a shot, I heard from a number of sources that's the shit that causes regrets later in life...
Someone else told me for us creative types, it's like drilling for oil, put down as many boreholes in the best spots as possible, all it takes is one gusher...
Then someone else said being a creative type and not doing creative things is one of the worst cases he sees in his clinic ...
So I would say it's still better not hitting the gusher than not going for it ...
But you do need to allow yourself room to grow ... a day off every once in a while to stretch out is necessary, too.
Yeah some of that self examination leads to all sorts of blind spots ... like the self doesn't really exist, one needs to create it, not 'discover' it ... The best way to 'create it' is to fully engage in your interests...
thats a really interesting analogy man, drilling for oil, id agree that its better goin for it even if you dont hit that gusher, when i got into music as a kid i was convinced my aim was to blow up and become a mega rich millionaire but over time that kind of changed as i realized it might not happen, im happy just being an underground artist thats putting out dope music and paving the way for future mcs to take irish hip hop further
ive lost around a decade to battling schizophrenia though, so I really struggle with self examination and just the self itself, I dont think I have any sense of identity at all like Im a stranger to myself because Ive been in such altered mind states and lost all sense of who I am in the process so it is very confusing trying to understand it all, or who I am but I hope I figure it out in the years to come.
I kind of have been forced into a 5 year plan now too, I can only get my medication reduced once every 6 months cuz its policy with the team im working with, so to get off it will take a few years if its even possible. coming down one dose has been absolutely crazy, Ive been freaking out while also regaining intelligence and awareness, better conversation skills and stuff like that as I become less doped up. but then symptoms start to appear too, havent got anything done for weeks cuz of it. like you said though better to try, ( to get med free) than to not go for it at all
Yeah, I would bet most artists go through that, thinking as kids they'll get rich and famous, then realizing the hard way of how this world offers so little probability in major success in anything, so then the point is to set smaller goals that lead to a huge legacy later. But the point is to stay on the path you define.
What I find amazing about your situation is that you and I have some of the most lucid yet extensive conversations here. I suppose I'm glad I've never been formally diagnosed, because I see too many folks 'owning' the diagnosis, which I think only helps the entities profiting from that diagnosis.
I suspect I have type 2 bipolar, chronic depression occasionally relieved by moments of hypo-mania, and if anything, somewhere on the autistic spectrum, a Covert Schizoid. That is, I'm not aloof like typical schizoids, but do have 'a rich inner world' which I'd much rather be in more than this extroverted world seems to allow.
The one thing that schizoids have that the other 'schiz' types of diagnosis lack, is a somewhat better sense of telling what's 'real' and what's not ... But especially in the interpersonal domain that's 'iffy' ... For one thing, I feel my depression and esteem issues were directly caused by certain individuals triggering these affects. Sorting through that is a lifelong battle, and not in the least bit easy when one sees 'tough truths'.
These 'tough truths' are at the essence of what you're talking about self-examination, because, it seems we too often accept from others who weakly defend their own ego by undermining yours, 'projective identification', as 'self'. I have gone through those 'out of body' 'de-personalization' states, myself, a most recent really bad one, at, of all places, a family get-together!
As far as my 'meds' I tended to self-prescribe cannabis, my preferred coping mechanism. Alcohol has never been much more than a real downer for me, and I hardly need anymore depression! But now it seems even weed sets me off on a whole manic/depressive cycle for about a week to ten days... Actually even coffee, sugar, and chocolate can bring about the anxious/depression thing that I cope with by getting weed. The result lately being that a lot of the ideas and inspirations in the manic phase is hardly making up for the self-sabotaging aspects anymore, the isolation of depression that sets in after about the third day of 'wake and bake' ...
So if I am to take my own 'mood leveling' serious, I need to get way more disciplined with cutting all sugar, artificial sweeteners, and caffeine out of my diet, as I've gotten rid of most other 'triggers'.
im determined to become an underground legend, thats my aim lol
we do have some really good convos on here man, i dont see myself suffering from any of this cognitive decline thats supposed to happen you with schizophrenia which has me thinking it mightve just been repeated drug induced psychosis which i went though, which hopefully means i can get off these meds im on in the coming years, something ive already started doing now , but ill be in the same boat as you cuz i can enjoy beer and coffee and all right now on this high dose of xeplion and abilify (antipsychotics) but might have to eliminate it all in the future or risk going into psychosis again.
its really interesting you mentioned depersonalization states cuz i have experienced them too, where ive just blacked out but been still talking away with no memory of what i was saying! it freaks me out bigtime.
youve got a good view of the cycle your repeating and what to do about it man, i hope you manage to get away from it! i had to say goodbye to any kinds of drugs when i realised i would just get drug induced psychosis from them so that keeps me away from them thinking of the pain and torment id have to go through for months if i was to do them,
but i remember the depression of wake and baking everyday too when the tolerance builds up and your not getting as high anymore. i would say you know, if i could do drugs i would do them in moderation every now and again but limit it like. life is always about havin fun too but if its causing you depression its not really worth it. its just really easy to stay away from when its a question of sanity or insanity for me , maybe you need something like that to help you too like if you contemplate what itll do to you maybe.
Yeah, an underground legend, where it's really at... You know, anymore it's like if the act has major support, I don't bother looking listening to it, all the majors sound the same to me anymore!
I am absolutely sincere about you're being as deep and lucid as the brightest of the 'normies' no cognitive decline at all my friend. Well for one thing, they seem to want to put patients on a prescription way before they can determine if just talk therapy would work over time. Then patients get into a pattern or a dependence, actually the doctors seem to be depending that they can't take the patient off the meds without something bad happening. Of course pharma companies do a great business this way!
Shit as simple as Mono Sodium Glutemate MSG practically in every snack food, especially Doritos can overexcite neurons in highly sensitive individuals. Once again, it's like the world doesn't accept high functioning individuals like we read in history. In the present day, a more useful workforce if everybody is average and happy about it, easily replaceable parts in the machine! So the world pathologizes exceptional individuals.
So wtf we going to do as exceptional and 'over-excitable' individuals?... I learned a lot by reading this cat, Kazimierz Dąbrowski who treated highly gifted 'misfits' and 'troubled' folks alike, and he saw the difficult times in life as being something necessary to achieve meaning or self-actualization and he called it, 'Positive Disintegration', related to what I said in the previous paragraph about not fitting in the narrow definition that society tries to box one into.
For me depersonalization doesn't come with blackouts or amnesia, though I hear that is some folks' experience, for me more as a numbness and my consciousness 'floating above or behind' my head, more or less just witnessing my body going through the traumatic situation more than having any agency over my body while in the situation, a strong sense of not belonging there, that sort of thing. But I do remember the events, quite vividly, though.
They say 'anything in moderation isn't bad for you' ... But if it makes you completely lose it even in small doses, whatever it is, then definitely stay away from it! I'm wondering about health benefits of weed since they seem to be talking them up these days, versus like you hit the nail on the head exactly the tolerance build up and depression cause it ain't getting me high ... or if it's just a coping mechanism, and once I deal with the shadow by bringing it into my conscious, I won't even need to cope ... (or have fun ?!! ;-) Guess it depends on social use versus wake and bake all day long, alone, which would do it to anyone!