My Body, Home for My Soul

Content Warning: discussion of abuse, weight and dieting

Image Description: Three side by side photos of Ela Meadows before her toxic marriage, during her pregnancy, and after escaping and starting a new life.

I expect this method will not work for everyone, maybe it won’t work for most people, but it works for me and that’s what matters. I consider my body the home for my soul. The various parts of myself are on this journey through life together, caring for each other as best they can. Depending on the season of life, what that looks like changes.

In my youth the only way I could feel safe was to be physically dominant. In August of 2014 I wrote: “I run for the thrill of the wind of my speed blowing in my face. The sound of dirt being pounded under my feet. The feeling of fresh air sucked into my lungs and sweat on my face. I don’t care what I look like.” I could bench my own weight; leg press twice my weight. I also ran myself into the ground hiding injuries so I wouldn’t look “weak.” Injuries from as early as 2004 linger as chronic pain.

Image Description: Ela Meadows standing next to a friend during the summer of 2010. Both are covered in mud after spelunking near Nasuli Philippines.

Perhaps I could be angry at younger me. After all, if she had taken better care of my body I’d have less physical pain now. However, I don’t feel being angry at a child struggling alone with a myriad of undiagnosed mental illness and neurodiversity. She did what she needed to in order to feel safe enough to survive. I am still here, soul and body journeying together, because she survived.

What survival looks like for me has changed as my circumstances shifted. My body softened during university when the demands on me were oriented more towards studying. Cycling with my rescue dog helped strengthen me again.

Pregnancy and escalating abuse turned my focus back to survival. This time around it looked different then in my youth. I ate because I knew I had to, but what I ate was not “ideal.” Eventually I was hiding in the basement and mostly eating things that did not require going anywhere else in the house. When I escaped to my own apartment, I wasn’t sure if I’d be stalked so I hid inside most of the time. The COVID pandemic struck. What I looked like shifted because the key thing was survival.

Now, I find myself with the divorce finalized, financially stable enough, and the external stressors reduced enough that I can step away from survival. I can look towards thriving again. With the support of friends and chosen family, I put together goals and plans. Since then, I’ve been on a new chapter of this journey through life.

Image Description: Ela Meadows during her pregnancy in 2015, smiling but looking pale and exhausted.

My Plan

1. Decide ahead of time what your final goals are based on what is healthy for your body and stop when you reach them
2. Do not be legalistic about any of this, the point is taking care of your body not abusing it into a certain form
3. Eat at least the minimum calories per day for age and sex.
4. Eat less then the recommended maximum calories per day for age and sex.
5. In general, aim for eating about 2-300 calories per day more then the minimum.
6. If there’s a special event, my child offers me a treat, etc., take it and enjoy the moment.
7. Weigh in once a day (and only once a day) at approximately the same time
8. Before weighing in, remind myself this is a journey not a race
9. Aim to walk at least 5,000 steps a day, more if possible
10. To make walking more fun, check out audiobooks from the local library
11. When up for it, do a work out routine or go swimming

Is it working?

Yeah, it’s working and I’m thrilled by that. The scale displays consistent progress and I have more energy. I’ve found a rhythm that works for me, typically a yogurt parfait for breakfast, and soup for lunch and dinner with fruit and turkey sticks for snacks. Eating less calories for now means I can splurge on some more expensive items for quality. A quick look at my cooking page will tell you that I enjoy some delicious treats whenever item 7 applies.

Image Description: Ela Meadows in 2024 smiling and petting her dog in front of a bed of tulips.