Hi there,
Well, actually I don't know how to start this.
Let me introduce myself first. My name is Jerlyn but I prefer to be called Fukumi or Fuku, I find it better. I use that name online, cause the online world somehow help me escape the ugly realities of life.
Been inactive on steemit for a couple of months.
I have issues with my work, family problems, and financial issues. In short, I am starting to lose all my positivity in life.
I know by sharing your weakness, people will judge you. Most of them will say you are just an attention seeker, weak, and a lot of negative words that will make you feel more demotivated. So you end up faking a smile and look strong. It is good, some people are good at hiding it. Some people can move on by faking it but like medicine, a medicine cant fix all illness.
Like our physical body, our mental health also gets sick, but it doesn't mean we are already insane. It is normal to feel down. They say darkness exists not because it is the opposite of light but only because of the absence of it. So we are not sad because we are not happy. Maybe we just lack some small conversations from our loved ones, warm hugs, nice words, understanding, appreciation and some priceless things in life.
To be honest, I am a strong spirited person, most of the time my friends ask some advice from me. I love taking and helping people. I am sociable. Maybe this is the reasons why I am in the teaching/academic industry. Well, just like a carpenter who builds houses but doesn't have his own. I didn't realize negativity slowly eats me.
I became too negative, I think about how to escape things than facing them like quitting my job, leave my home, and about killing myself. You might ask me why I think about those things, yes I know some people have more worse problem than mine and its all in my mind.
'That's it! People who are depressed can't fully explain how hard things for them.' Some of you can't understand how hard it could be, like waking up each day and worrying about how you will survive the day cause you are broke, you are scared to meet the people that stress you, facing a responsibility, or knowing that no one cares. It is better to sleep since sleeping makes time flies and numb your pain for a while. Sometimes you are so sad that you can't afford to cry cause you know crying and tears won't be enough to wash all your anxieties and pain.
Sometimes living is harder than dying.
How can you tell people that you are bothered with anxieties, insecurities, loneliness, and fear if you know that they see your problems as small as an ant to be stressed about? Like an ant's bite, it can be painful as hell but unlike its venom, depression can be sorrowful and feels an undying mental torture.
One of my friends said it is better to hurt a person physically cause the body can forget and heal than saying hurtful words. The heart can never forget. We cant find over the counter tropical drug to fix emotional and mental wounds. Those wounds can become a part of us, forever.
In my case, I always talk with my friends to cope up with stress and anxieties. I have some hormonal imbalances and excessive hair fall a few months ago. I missed my opportunity to travel abroad, I am broke cause of my major cyst operation, I have some problems at my workplace. I don't have peace of mind both at work and home. They affect me so much to the extent that my period didn't show up for few months got my check up and got some polycystic ovaries. I have several nightmares about I committing suicide to escape my pains and becoming a ghost looking at my loved ones crying for me. I am always late at work cause I am so consumed with my worries at night to the extent that I became incompetent and unproductive during the daytime. I try to chat with my friends and trying to make future plans. Talking about plans in life especially about investments help me feel motivated. That today is only a bad day, not a bad life and look forward to tomorrow.
You can say that it might be shameful to share sadness but this post will remain on the blockchain forever and I would be glad to visit this post someday and feel good, cause I am confident that I will become a better version of myself in that time. May this serve as a DIARY.
I would like to get this opportunity to make a comment contest about your depressing experiences in life and how you cope up with it. Hoping more of our steemians especially minnows to earn some decent 60% of the SBD earned from this post. I believe we need a sound mind too to experience the full well being.
RULES
RESTEEM this post - Guys it is FREE to resteem it will help the post grow, please help me advertise the post for free, share it with your friends to have bigger prize pool. Also, I want more people who are having a hard time in life to be enlightened, relieved, inspired and motivated by reading this post and your comments. Who knows it can help them a lot and might save a life.
UPVOTE this post - Won't require you to upvote at 100%. I understand voting power is not unlimited steem and SBD is down but a little love from you guys can increase our prize pool.
POST your COMMENT - About your down days, depression, anxieties. Share to us how you handle them or surpass them. I want some people to feel that they don't experience stress and depression alone and it is possible to have ways of coping with it.
| FIRST PRIZE | 30% of the total SBD earned by this posts' payout |
|---|---|
| SECOND PRIZE | 20% of the total SBD earned by this posts' payout |
| THIRD PRIZE | 10% of the total SBD earned by this posts' payout |
Winners will be announced on the 8th day
Let's be motivated and stay healthy.
Domo Arigatou!
THANK YOU!
![fukumineko[1].png](https://images.hive.blog/768x0/https://steemitimages.com/DQmWDKgFL8kNC6CLHLnDMeibf4dkTo3NWpqNNGQtR1ecwbP/fukumineko%5B1%5D.png)
Great job for doing this, @fukumineko. Finally, there will be a space for people to share thoughts on things like these. You have my support. It's 3:30 am and I'm still up, dealing with my own demons, too. No, I am not suicidal, I am far from that. But I have been there, too. I BELIEVE YOU CAN GET PAST THAT BECAUSE I DID. So keep hanging on and fighting strong to win it.
At this point in time, no way in hell will those thoughts visit me again. Hahaha! Alam mo yung, weird pero, sabi ko sa sarili ko kahit anong psychotic break pa siguro mangyari, I will never think about hurting or killing myself. Ewan ko, pero andun na ako sa level na yun, na siguro kahit mabaliw mabaliw, ma Lucresia Kasilag at tumira sa Baliwag Bulacan ang lola mo, no way in hell will I hurt myself. Hahahahaha!
So, eto ako, dealing with my demons. Listening to "If We Hold On Together." At iba pang Disney songs. Hahahaha! They remind me of my childhood. They remind me of life. They let me see how I've come so far. They let me recall how I have been so blessed. They remind me sobrang sarap mabuhay. They remind me masarap magmahal. They remind me of all the good things in life.
Minsan wala ka makausap at sobrang bigat. Music will help. Rest will help. Food will help. Friends will help. Family will help. Faith will help. Yun yung huling baraha ko... Tumitingala lang ako sa langit, sabi ko, guide me and give me strength to endure kasi kita mo ko, hirap na hirap na ako. And I tell you, God never fails me. Never. In anything. Sobrang malas ko sa madaming bagay pero di kailanman mahihigitan ng kamalasan ang lahat ng biyayang bigay niya sakin. Sobrang swerte ko. Kailanman di ko pipiliin maging negatibo kasi damang dama ko siya. Feel his love, always.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Yes music, friends and FOOD is life 😌😌😌. Some people say that they listen to music so they wont hear their inner demons. It can also help them keep away from thinking about negativity.
my dear friend i just want to share my openion here please do not think i am hurt you but as a friend just share with you because do not want you to see in more trouble. first of all sucide is not a solution of any problem because due to that person who do sucide is gone but people who attached wtih him/her also comes in trouble like family members mother or father so its not a good solution according to me. second thing in this kind of situation need to believe in god and keep hear motivational speech because they encourage a lot to come out situation although i know its hard becasuse people who in depression only know what pain of it and also not get any idea how to deal because situation is like that. one thing who keep my all dpression or wrong thought removed was i heared ones in out spritiual guru that keep believing in god that everything happen with us that there is something reason not any happiness or trouble permenent so do not worry for it. in everyones life there is always happiness then it must be trouble and pain too so just accept it and move on nothing can change but you change your attitude to live then that problem will not solve but you can adujst live with it and not any problem is perment so ones it will sure gone so just keep faith in good. what ever happen with us is signal of good so what ever happen in any sitiuation just tell god that thank you because many time something really good thing happen with us in life even we never thought so its also power of good too, we must have to remeber that any problem is not permenenet and its solvable so keep trust in god and keep trust in yourself. i can understand that when there is depression how feel because i seen my dad too and its really tough to come out from it but we must have to try because its again if there is problem then there is solution too so just need to find it and till need to adjust live it and not allow to heavy on you.
Thank you my friend. Yes we should think about positivity. I think about my friends and family when I think about bad things like suicide. I used them as my inspiration and continue living. I managed to recover. We learn and grow.
Hi @fukumineko, well it sucks to be an adult, right? i totally totally feel you. i have been down that road, several times. in fact more often than not. one night i was soo depressed that i wrote my frustrations here on steemit, i felt embarrassed the next day because i realized i had just hanged my dirty linen in public, but guess what, i got the most heart warming and encouraging messages from fellow steemians. it made it all feel better. you can read about it here
: https://steemit.com/depression/@purpletanzanite/i-cried-my-self-to-sleep-tonight-march-3-4-18-02-55
suicidal thoughts have crossed my mind , all the time. its very frustrating when you cant speak about your struggles, in fear of being judged. mental health is a real issue and must be taken seriously. the times i wanted to end my life, i spoke back and cursed the evil thoughts. i told my self that i will never punish my mother that way, not after all the things she has been through in order to give me the best life. i tell my self that the devil is a liar and he must not win me over. i also tell my self that i am strong, i am loyalty, i am a fine ass piece of diamond that is being moulded and has to go through cuttings, hot fire , shaping and all sorts of re modelling inorder to stand out and be the finest, God is re modelling me and preparing me for my mighty break through.
so after an episode of depression and suicidal thoughts, i get up and continue the fight through life.
for those who know me, will see that my nails are always short, especially my right hand, short and ugly. because i stay awake, all night stressed, depressed, worried and while i am at it, i bite my nails to the skin untill i bleed, i sometimes even bite my toes nails.
This is just to let you know that you are not alone.
these are really sensitive issues that many fear to speak off in public in fear being taken as weaknesses.i strongly applaud u for speaking out. sharing lifts a load off ur shoulders, gives you courage, knowing you are not alone in this fight and hope for a better tomorrow.
we must make these dark days our testimonies in future. lets keep trying, working towards our dreams and our determination and hard work shall be crowned one day.
I am really happy that you shared your experiences. Yes sometimes we worry so much, it becomes unhealthy. I believe sharing topics like this can help us. So glad this community is very supportive.
Hi @fukumineko, as I was reading your post, It feels like I'm the one writing it because I've also been through that nightmare months ago aside from being suicidal. I started my year with a negative side of the world.
Depression consumed me that I don't want to go out of the room and even when I'm inside, I don't want to see the light from outside that I covered the window with a thick blanket. I know it's creepy but that's how depression made me. At that time, I just want to lie down in my bed for the whole day but I also need to go to work. I went to work like a zombie without proper sleep.
I'm just blessed, I have people around who didn't give up on me and tried to put positivity in my head during my down time. I opened up to others which my brother always told me but some of my friends can't understand why I'm depressed with those reasons. I then realize that you can't understand one's pain once you haven't experienced it yourself.
I started to open my bible and read it again. I talked to God with all the pain that I'm carrying. The pain became light and bearable that step by step I went out that depression shell. I know it's still there but not the same as before. I also decided to transfer to another place for a good start, met new friends that help me a lot.
Now, if I'm alone I watch movies and also listen to music. Music became a therapy that calms me. While listening to music, think also about happy thoughts so that negativity will not eat you up. If you're worried, PRAY! I always remember what my mom told me "Pray like it's your first time to talk to HIM" and it really helps a lot for me.
With HIS guidance, I know we will get through this :) God Bless you always.
I am really glad a lot of people are participating this contest. Rewards here are just a bonus. Sharing your thoughts are more valuable than gold. Hope your stories and words can heal people. Keep it up guys.
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I am not wright too much to bore you just say when you feel lonely you remember one think, when we come to this world we all were alone nobody comes with us when we will be going from this earth no one going with us. so its no matter who with us and who is not with us now. it is not matter who loves us and who is not. just promise to yourself- I love my self, I am with my self. I am an woman. I am strong in physically and mentally. If I can birth a life, If I can grow a life without any hope of reward. so I don't care people care me or not. Just things these you feeling good. I always doing this and it will be work. It just a hard time it will be pass. let the past go accept the future. this world is very beautiful. we all are with you don't feel lonely. after all even you have any problem I am with you always....
Thank you for your kind words. This will definately help a lot of people specially women. I really admire your inner strength keep on inspiring people.
You write beautifuly and this subject is close to my heart, because as a father and husband i suffer from bipolar depression and know and understand every word and thought you penned. Every day is a rollercoaster of thoughts and emotions to battle, theres only one hope. Isaiah 43:11,12.
It was happened to me when I was 8 or 9yrs.old that I drunk kerosene to end my
life.You amay ask me why?because of a simple reason,my mother wanted me to got absent from school to take good and watched over my siblings.I pained me getting absent.But God save me He never let me die.
The 2nd time around when my business was down that caused me to went abroad.There were a lot of reason to live and or even die.I could not blamed anyone to took their own life even I knew it is a sin.Lord I am so sorry for what I had done on that moment.But gave me a reason to live my life and here I am now still kicking with the ball of life.I want to clarify myself that even i you want to take suicide but if it is not your time,you will never die,you will be save as what God made it for me.
I will not tolerate to do what I did because it is a big sin my dear.Prayer can help you to strengthen your faith and become stronger whatever may happened to your life,whatever circumstances may come on your way.
I regret what I did,how if I die on that attempt?
At tbis moment,I am tested by time and i will never do the same tbings I did before because a lot of people wanted to live,undergo medication just to preserved life and even eat once a day maybe sometimes no food to eat but they are still looking and really look for a survival just to give value the life they have.So life is so sacred and so we are not allwed to take it with our own hand.
Whenever you are in troubles,just look up the rising sun and you will see hope.
When you feel a heavy laden, just look up how God sacrifices for us but He never complained.
My dear friend just close your eyes and talk your inner part of life.Give considerations to the things that we could not make it through.In a little while God is there with a helping hands. Put His arms on our shoulders and carry us sometimes.Don not ask why there is just only one footprints of a person in the sand when He said He is with us, it is because He carry you on that time.Don't let Satans overpowered us.We can conquered this dare devil that come to us by increasing our faith and love to God above.Demon will ran away if we we are so strong.
My dearest friend God loves you so much and He is rhe most forgiving.That's all I can say
God bless us.
Good afternoon.
I know how it feels to be strong and yet crying inside. I have been that person that people look up to and seek advice.
This was one of the reasons why I broke down last year because I did not know who to turn to because I did not want to appear weak, or complaining or unhappy with my life. People who know me are surprised when they learn that I am battling depression and had episodes of near suicude.
I really hate it when people downplay it and feel that people can just choose to be happy. Who doesn't want to be happy right!!!
I turned to writing to be able to write down those thoughts and express it. express it in a way that I could not do it off the blockchain.
Use your wonderful art to express yours, your thoughts, feelings, hang ups, ideas, sorrow, sadness and pain. Let it out for the world to see.
There are a lot more people who are forgiving and will support you no matter what.
I will be one of them.
In Steemit we have the Prevent Suicide group if you ever need a safe place https://discord.gg/ppVKBvt
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I will endeavor to join all contests left there or at least make a small upvote and add on the compilation post.
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Hello @fukumineko and I'm glad you're hosting a contest that will awaken to any same situation as what you had experienced. I can't judge people with suicidal feelings cause I never been in their shoes. Some people say, a high IQ person mostly has a low EQ that leads them to suicide. In my own opinion, it depends on the person on how strong they are... I had a cousin who committed suicide, another friend and my friend's brother. They decided to end up their life without any reason left behind. A different person with different problems. I can't blame them. So here's my sad moment experienced in my past...
A lot of people will consider my story as a common in each family. Losing someone very special is the saddest thing in my life. 10 years ago, my mom got very ill that cause cancer and leads her to death. She's a public teacher, but need to take a rest for how many months because of her cancer, so it means she will not get any salary as well. I was working at Luzon then, but need to stop my job to take care of my mom. We both don't get any salary at all, no more savings due to her expensive medicine that needs to maintain. I'm the only daughter and my father passed away when I was 2 years old. My relatives supported us but they can't support our financial problems. So I struggle searching for some help from different administrations in our City even our Mayor, begging for my mom's medication. Lucky me, I have a very close friend who works in Japan as a welder. He always supported me and send money for my mom. But he also has his family to support, so I tried to do my best to find money. We experienced without having food anymore, but my aunt gave some food to eat. Staying at the hospital for so long makes me weak too and for mom who decided to stay at home because we all had credit to all the hospital. I was so down that time, I felt alone facing those trials. Sometimes I left my mom alone in the hospital just to get or borrow money from my friends for my mom's daily medicine. I'm asking God, why He gave me this problem, why my mom who suffered too much of her cancer. So what I did is pray... I prayed that He will give me strength and never give up on this trials... I almost give up, I'm sick and tired... Until one day, I decided to make a crochet coin purse to sell to some of my friends, an additional money for the medicine... I felt hope that time, it only cost less but I'm happy they helped me to sell my homemade crochet coin purse. And most especially to my ever dear friend who always supported me not only financially but by lifting me up not to give up on my problem.
Then one sad moment has come, the death of my mom. It broke me so much, and the pain still there. Imagining my life without her, alone and broke. It's the most painful thing I ever had. I cried too much, every night but I'm glad I survived! I live my life alone, consider myself a strong person maybe? Reaching my goal and got married to my wonderful family. I can say when you lose someone, there's another best thing will happen or come to you. I never think about suicide but I was totally broke that moment of my life. With the help of my friends and some relatives, it makes me strong and continues my journey!
I am now happy with my new family! So don't be easily discouraged with your life, talk to someone if you can, cry, shout or find ways to release your pain and outlet to lessen your luggage. It's not too late to waste our life...
I have shared my own struggles with mental illness, specifically my depression/suicidal thoughts here and also my social anxiety and other mental health issues I've dealt with. I also made a video sharing my thoughts on all the advice that gets thrown around when the topic comes up on social media due to a celebrity death.
I am JUST coming out of a depression again, but I am finally at a point in life when I can usually recognize that "this too shall pass" because I used to feel so hopeless and defeated because the worst part for me was that when I was in the midst of depression, it felt like NOTHING had EVER been good and it would never change.
I've managed to get to a point now that I can see that it is temporary. It doesn't make it easy to deal with, but it is a little bit better.
Good luck to you on this journey! I think it is SO important for us to share the bad things as well as the happy things so that other people don't feel so isolated and so that they know it is okay to share and talk to people when they are struggling. Thank you for putting yourself out there.