I'm sick of all the weird rules I make for myself. Why do I have to work in order to feel accepted by myself? While at the same time I also have the rule: I have to accept all of me. And I think I do. Yes I do. I accept myself the way I am. No I don't. Ha ha shit. There are moments when I can say 'I accept all of me' and it feels real. But there are definitely also moments like now: it's 11:30 AM, I had a long sleep, lay in bed for half an hour without getting up, okay so far, didn't blame myself too much for that. But even that sentence already reveals that I do consider to blame myself for it. Why not just ask myself then: Do I want to blame myself for lying in bed when I have the feeling that I should get up and start my working day? Noooooo. Of course not! I don't want to blame myself for anything ever! However nice this sounds I don't have the feeling I can control my feelings of blame. It seems to happen before I'm aware of it. Okay, so I'm just practicing awareness. I have a clear intention, which is to never ever blame myself for anything. Very easy, no exceptions to this simple rule. And I'm practicing with becoming aware of the moment when I apparently decided to blame myself for something. I don't think it was such a conscious decision, I mean... I'm a little bit wary here. I feel some peacefulness as well though. This morning when I came out of the bedroom, I felt both my feet on the wooden floor, the morning felt fresh and I had this feeling of happy anticipation of being able to do exactly what I wanted to do. I thought: How do I want to live this day? I smiled. And then... things went differently, I had my breakfast in bed with Jordan. My vagina was hurting today, yet we had such a beautiful connection conversation about our relationship, that I did wanted to have sex. Then we had sex and.... bam, suddenly it was 11:30 AM and I noticed feeling bad and guilty and disappointed in myself for not having done any work yet. I feel so stuck at this problem. Didn't I realize years ago already that I didn't want my self worth to be depended upon my productivity anymore? And still it's hard. Or is it hard because I say it's hard? Am I feeling stuck, but am I not really stuck? Is this stream of consciousness long enough already? Apparently I think there's a rule for that too. As I said: I'm fucking sick of all the rules I make for myself. They DO NOT exist in reality. It's just my mind, it's feelings, the feelings are real, but they are NOT based on real facts. There are no fucking rules. I do not have to think about rules, I don't need to consider rules when I do or don't do something, it alllll fineee. That's me aggresively forcing down a new rule on myself. The new rule is: thou shall never listen to any rules anymore! What's the opposite of a rule? Freedom, is what comes up in me. Housemate just came in, asking how I'm doing, me: 'Good. You?' It's always hard to accurately describe my state of being in just a sentence or two. So freedom. That sounds nice. I am free. No I'm not, I have to go to the swimming hole with Nele. This afternoon. And afternoon comes quick when you cuddle, talk and have sex the whole morning. Do I want to go to the swimming hole? Not today maybe, actually. Oh god, I just feel like I now will have to work the whole day to make up for my morning. And this freacking happens almost every morning it seems! I'm free. This is how decided to live my mornings. I made the decision in total freedom, and I can make whatever different or similar decision today. I feel like eating a Chinese noodle dish. Hmmm. Alright let's check if Nele has send me something back, and see if I can do some work. And make tea. That's one of those things. I feel like I'm wasting time when I'm making tea while I shouldn't work, but shit, I have to put liquid in my body as well right?? Maybe not after my breatharian retreat in March, but for now my body needs water. I hardly drank anything yet today. Do I need to justify whatever 'waste of time' though? I am free. I wish I would feel that.