Forgiveness

Hello my fellow Hivers!

Today, I would like to talk about the concept of forgiveness. What does it mean? Why should we apply it, and what benefits are there for the one who forgives and for the one who is forgiven?

Forgiveness

I have been trying to understand what forgiveness is for a very long time, I have often mistaken tolerance for forgiveness when trying to apply it to myself, another or a circumstance.. I believe I am not the only one.

Compared to forgiving someone else, forgiving yourself is particularly difficult, especially when you feel you dont deserve it. Guilt or not feeling worthy of ourselves often stands in the way of being able to forgive yourself, and if you can't forgive yourself, truly forgiving someone else becomes all the more difficult.

To truly be able to forgive we must first define what forgiveness is, many would say that it means turning the other cheek, or to accept any wrongdoings that have been done to us, or the pain we have caused others.. but I believe there is more to it..

I believe that the concept of forgiveness has been described by so many, in a lot of different ways and that the true, and in my opinion, quite simple meaning of it, has been obscured for many to see.

Teachings

All religions and many spiritual teachers have spoken on forgiveness, and oftentimes, it has been misunderstood greatly.. great suffering has come from it, as the Ego finds it very difficult to integrate the concept of forgiveness into its framework..

Forgiveness, to the ego, is often a temporary state of mind and a fragile one at that. We can choose to forgive ourselves or others during an emotional moment in time, where our empathy is fully turned on, we see the pain that was caused, we soften and we emphatize and we convince ourselves that all has been forgiven.

Yet, how many times have you found yourself, days, weeks, or even months later, still having judgmental thoughts, doubts, or questions? I know I have..

Hope

Hope is often entangled with forgiveness, and there is a catch to that.. When we forgive, we many times hope that things will change for the better. Hope, in this sense, is a construct of the ego. Because if our hopes (some might call it unfounded expectations) are not met, forgiveness can disappear as fast as it came in that previous emotional moment. There has not been any true acceptance in that moment.

This is very confusing to the ego, as these doubts arise, and it risks going into a mental feedback loop where an internal dialogue starts to emerge, going back and forth between hope and doubt.

True forgiveness is accompanied by a complete sense of acceptance where all hope has been replaced by a deep inner knowing that everything is alright and has its place in an immutable past.

In the darkness

Recently, I have been struggling with forgiving myself for certain things I had done, which have caused others that I care about quite some pain. Things I was oblivious to due to the illusions I trapped myself in. One of these illusions was pretending that I was alright, that nothing bothered me, and that I was without worry, while in reality, I was hurting and depressed..

The fake persona I presented to others didn't fool anyone, even though I believed it did.. Many tried to point this out to me without success. I firmly held on to this illusion I had manufactured. My unwillingness to see it is what caused others pain since I became unreachable.

Recent circumstances, however, have forced me to face this illusion and I was overcome by guilt, self loathing and my depression surfaced completely, resulting in pulling myself back from, colleagues, friends and loved ones.. Which, of course, only made matters worse...

I stepped back from that precious little light that was still with me at that time and isolated myself in complete darkness. Unable to forgive or be forgiven.

A true friend

During this time I suddenly remembered a conversation I had with a dear friend whom I hadn't spoken for a long time. What he described in that conversation of what he had experienced had many similarities with the circumstances I now found myself to be in.

I gathered myself and reached out to him for advice and told him how I was doing. I asked him how he had forgiven himself, desperately seeking a way back into the light. After sharing my story, I finally asked him: "How does one forgive?"

His answer was very straightforward and so elegant in its simplicity. While it was so obvious, it blew me away!

The Past

He explained forgiveness to me in one sentence:
"Forgiveness is abandoning all hope that the past can be changed."

It struck me like a bolt of lightning, the loudest thunderclap you might imagine. It literally blew my mind.. So many times had I struggled with the concept of forgiveness, reading books, listening to podcasts, and teachers who tend to embellish... It was so simple.. it IS so simple.

Applying forgiveness

Well, there you have it.. Forgiveness is the abandonment of all hope that the past can be changed!

Although hope is often perceived as a positive thing, it stands in the way when trying to forgive.. What an insight! It makes the application of forgiveness so much less heavy. It lightens the load and strips it of so many associations.

It might not make it necessarily easier, but it does simplify what it means to forgive and only requires to remain in the present moment, to look forward from that moment and the full realization that there literally is no going back. Although the ego tends to live in the past or the future, forgiveness is much more attainable than the ego realizes..

By taking away all the different meanings that have been attached to forgiveness over the centuries and reducing it to what it actually means, we do have a very good chance to really forgive ourselves and others.

It doesn't mean we have to be friends with everyone who we forgive, but it does give their (and our own) actions the correct place on the timeline of our individual lives.. A place in our past, where it should always remain, as a part of who we are now. Hogs, warts, and everything.

Now what?

Now that forgiveness has been defined, it is up to each of us who carries something with us that needs forgiveness, to decide when we are ready to leave the past where it is supposed to be, behind us, as part of our foundation and not as something that we want to keep carrying with us on our road to the future. It is an excess wheight that will only keep dragging us down till we release it.

Myself? I am not quite ready but I no longer have hope, for I know forgiveness awaits me in the near future, once I have fully accepted the immutable nature of the past. And if you have indeed done yourself or others wrong, be better from now on and I know for certain that abandoning all hope of changing the past will set you back on the path to ultimate mental and emotional freedom!

Namasté
Pro Veritas