All you awesome commenters out there, go nuts! Thanks for increasing the amount of comments on posts lately and making the posts a lot more enjoyable and whole.
Write whatever joke comes to mind and receive a vote from me depending on how funny it is, go!
What do you get when you cross a triceratops with a kangaroo...
A Tricerahops!!
(This is not the joke I am submitting - that one is somewhere else in the replies)
Is that better, or worse, than the old,
"What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a knitted pullover?"
Answer, "A woolly jumper!"
(For Americans, "woolly" is the British spelling of "wooly".)
Ha, I know that one, its awesomes!
upvoted you and its great to read all your posts because it adds a great skills and knowledge in myself, already followed you and inspired from your posts, hope that you also follow me back so that it will be a great pleasure for me and a big contribution from ur side for me , thanks kindly follow me and resteem my post aswell
@shanzaylizay
I thank you for your upvote.
Resteeming and following is something I do organically and not when prompted though I am afraid. I will look at your latest post and give it a read :O)
@meesterboom nice to meet you :=) here...see you around
Nice to meet you too! :0)
Thank you ..lets help each other by upvote and following back :)godbless
followed you ;)
thanks man it your greatness and courtesy thanks alot
Has anyone ever seen Dinosaurs having SEX ???
Yeek no!
You're funny in your posts and your comments huh?
berniesandersno, wait...I threw one of my kids a stick the other day — went about five miles.
What, you think that's a bit far-fetched?
[Truth though. I poured my heart out in a post last night, and work up this morning to magic. I have you and some other big kids taking me under your wings for a few days to thank, so serious props, man. ]
Cute. We'd get along fine....
you want more dog jokes, or steemit community sass? I'm unhealthily full of both, for a noob.
Spiders are the only web developers who are happy to find bugs! :]]]
Good one! $8 from me ;-)
Thanks a lot mate! :D
lol hadn't heard that one before.
I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad. The fly didn’t stand a chance.
Now you did! Haha... Cheers! :P
OK, that's new for me too.
Well done
:D
I was trying to figure out a good fish joke -- that would tie into me being a minnow.
Long story short I couldn't think of any. If anyone has any good fish jokes please let minnow.
I'd tell you a joke but it would make you whale.
haha nice! I sea what you did there.
Haha, the two of you made me laugh so hard. That was great: simple but funny. Thanks.
A man walks into the bar at the top of the Empire State building. It's empty, except for the bartender and one other fit looking man. He sits at the bar next to the other patron.
"So, have you been here before?", the other man asks.
"Nope, this is my first time."
"Well, this is a very special bar," the man continues. "This wood bar was constructed with wood recovered from one of William Shakespeare's stages. And that stool you are sitting on, it was recovered from the Titanic."
"Wow, really?" the new customer replied. "I'm not sure I believe you."
"I can prove how special this bar is," the other gentleman continued. "See this window over here? The wind creates a vortex outside this window, due to the design of the outer facade of the building. If you jump out, you'll fall 10 stories, then be pushed right back in. Look," he said, opening the window, "I'll show you."
The man jumps out. The new customer sticks his head out, incredulous, and watches as the man falls 1...2...3...5...10 stories, then shoots right back up and into the window.
"I can't believe I just saw that."
"Look, I'll show you again." He jumps out again and falls 1...2...3...5...10 stories, then gets pushed right back in. "You should try it, it's an amazing rush."
"Well, ok, I'll try it," our new, and now slightly inebriated customer, says. He hops out and falls 1...2...3...5...10...20...30...50 stories, and goes SPLAT on the sidewalk. The original customer calmly closes the window, and walks back to the bar, ordering a drink.
The bartender returns from the stockroom and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real dick when you're drunk."
LOL
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupting cow...
This post received a 1.6% upvote from @randowhale thanks to @jhermanbeans! For more information, click here!
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.
LOL, you are now banned from /r/pyongyang
Lol, banned again.
Maybe...I can get Kim Jung Un-banned...amiright?
LOL
Nice one!
What did the minnow say to the whale after HF 19?
"What are you blubbering about?"
I'll be here all night folks!
This post received a 2.0% upvote from @randowhale thanks to @zenchess! For more information, click here!
another joke - your luck with @randowhale
I used to be really indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
holy shit, that was a 3% vote
Omg, that's huge :))
That's what she said
Wow, try a 50% vote see what that looks like. xD
I don't dare, lol
or you don care? :0
I asked a hooker if she accepted steem. She told me no because it goes up and down more than she does.
@acidyo that was the BIGGEST upvote I ever got!
I have another joke ready to fly, can I unleash it? it's ready for the moon! (I have some investments in mooncoin by the way =p)
EDIT: I just thought that someone may think that mooncoin investments is the joke, no I have them for real =D
Go ahead :p
(DISCLAIMER: not trying to offend anyone, just a little bit of humor)
Had an awesome date with a Jewish girl, she asked me for my number.
....
I told her that we have names.
XD
if i got one SBD for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive
How to get more SBD's
EDITED: 1.2...
...3. make a joke on this post to get more SBD!
a minnow steemster walks into a bar and asks how much for an upvote, bartender say 4 cents, steemster says 'yesterday it was only one cent!' 😉
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
source: http://www.jokes4us.com/barjokes/angrywifejoke.html
Teacher: "Which book has helped you the most in your life?"
Student: "My father's check book!"
Nice joke !
patient:-The problem is that obesity runs in our family
Doctor:-No the problem is no one runs in ur family..😂😂
Aggroed gets on a bus with his baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The man walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. He says to a lady next to him: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The woman says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
A neutron walks into a bar, order's a whiskey neat and then asks "how much?"
The bartender turns to the neutron and says "for you, no charge."
I married @sasha.shade 😂 😂😂 haha
... I am not amused -_-
😜😜😜
:D
LOL best joke so far. :DDD
hahahahaha😂😂😜
Fragt die Ehefrau ihren Gatten: "Was magst du mehr, meinen wunderschönen Körper oder meine überragende Intelligenz?"
Er, nach kurzer Überlegung: "Eher deinen Sinn für Humor." Did you get it ? :P
Yeah I got it, lol :p
I called a suicide hotline in Iraq..
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
rofl, that's dark
That's why they are the best jokes ;D
Old lady boards a plane and sits next to a young gentleman.
Upon taking off the young man sneezes. She leans over to say god bless you and swears she sees him pull his dick out, wipe off the tip and put it back in his pants.
She assumes she imagined it as nobody would be so foul.
About 10min later he sneezes again. She looks again faster this time and sure enough he pulls his dick out, wipes off the tip and sticks it back in his pants.
Now she's upset, she's old, this is just disgusting.
10 min later he sneezes again.
She looks immediately and sure enough it happens again. She loses her god dammed mind.
"What's wrong with you? You dammed pervert! You should be ashamed of yourself!"
"Whoa lady" the man replies
"I'm really sorry, but I have a very serious medical condition. Every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
"Oh my poor dear" she says. "I'm so sorry. I had no way of knowing. Are you taking anything for it?"
He quickly responds "Yeah bitch......pepper"
LOL
A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep. A full one, in case he gets thirsty, and an empty one, in case he doesn’t. :P
lol that's like the mathematician joke:
"I heard chances of there being a bomb on a plane is 1 in a million, so I decided to bring my own bomb on a place. What are the chances of there being 2 bombs on the same plane?"
hahaha funny!
how do you make holy water?
you boil the hell out of it !
knock, knock...who is there????
Buster!....Buster who?
Buster Cherry, is your daughter home??
^^UPVOTED^^
Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Wow, lol. Dark.
Vad är det för likhet mellan Israel och Jonas Gardell?
Båda tar Mark i Gazaremsan!!
A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and he says "I hope the porn is disabled." The guy at the desk replies. "It's just regular porn you sick fuck."
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven
When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ..... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.
Once upon a time, a computer programmer drowned at sea. Many were on the beach and heard him cry out, “F1! F1!”, but no one understood.
F1! = Help!
Heard somewhere !
I like my Lamborghini aBentador.
It's Bery nice.
Can drive Bery fast.
It has high Belocity.
I use it for my adBenture.
I drive it t Bienna.
I get alot of Badges.
Nice!! I love it when I get those badges!
I had to beat them up so hard to get all 8 badges!
I didn't have much room in my abentador so I left 2 in the trunk and 5 in the basement, was really awkward when cops stopped me and asked to see all 8 badges.
Hmmm... Wonder where you put the other badge every night.......
wife tells her man:
man:
:D
A good joke? I dunno, XRP, I guess.
Ripple : Central Bank Of Crypto-Currencies
Q :- What's green and not very heavy?
A :- Light green
@acidyo, did the chat crash for y'all too?
Do you think this would be a good feature for the next fork? :)))
lol
From my daughter...
Where does Santa go on vacation?
The Ho-Ho-Hotel!
Why was the stadium so cold?
Because there were a lot of fans.
lol, google fan-death, its a real thing in some countries.
Haha sure..meanwhile...I just want to say that
HF19 ROCKS!!!
What did one raindrop say to the other?
-My Plop is bigger than yours.
This hard fork is too much, gotta downvote my own posts to equalize ;) (joke)
lol, from now on I won't even have to vote on my own posts anymore let alone my comments
A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, “Where’d you get that?”
The student on the bike replies, “While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, ‘You can have anything you want’.”
The first student responds, “Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.”
That was crazy cool! my post jumped from $30 to $114! thanks for all the help you provide in chat acidyo its been a real help! I cant even joke right now cause I'm still in shock lol
you're welcome!
I will do one for her :) but vote on her comment please?
What goes vroom, screech, vroom, screech?
A noob in a dreamt up sports car, at a flashing yellow light.
How do you know that a double-boob is having a bad day?
They have whiteout on their screen and don't know how to do markdown.
In a normal life, a man will say to his wife "I will give you a bunch of flowers that will make you happy" but in Steemit life a man will say "I will give you a bunch of votes that will make you scream of happiness" What do you prefer?
:P
Realy thank's for this, you don't make my day you make my entire week happy
Sally went to her first day of kindergarten, and was wearing a pretty pink dress. At recess, this one boy was staring at her while she was on the monkey bars. He told her to do it again, as he watched from directly below.
When Sally came back home, she told everything that happened to her mother.
Her mom replied, "Honey, he just wants to see your underwear"
The next day, Sally wore a pretty blue dress to school, with a fiendish look on her face.
At recess, the same boy asked her to go on the monkey bars, and watched from directly below. But when she did this time, his eyes bulged in disbelief.
Sally went home and told her mother she went on the monkey bars for the boy again.
The mother replies, "He's tricking you, sweetie, he wants to see your underwear"
But sally replies, "No, I tricked him, today I didn't wear underwear!"
lols
This could be me while looking at my blog page after the HF19 (without the mustache!)
Next time I see someone capturing a selfie for instagram or fb...I'll remember this HF19 with a great smile and sense of proud!! Ahah!!
The Fork just poked me Hard in the butt 19 times. Couldn't believe what i saw in my reward.
Doctor: You have to stop masturbating.
Patient: Dafuq, why??
Doctor: Because I'm trying to examine you.
I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
The answer will blow your mind...
Someone asked, "Why do we have brakes in a car"?
Varied answers were received, like,
"To stop",
"To reduce speed",
"To avoid collision" etc.,
but the best answer was,
"To enable you to drive faster"
Give it a thought. It's true but seldom such smart out of box thinking is done, much less appreciated.
For a moment assume you have no brakes in your car then how fast will you drive your car?!
It's because of brakes that we can dare to accelerate, dare to go fast and reach destinations we desire.
At various points in life, we find our parents,teachers, mentors, friends and spouse etc. questioning your progress, direction or decision. We consider them as irritants or consider such inquiries as "brakes" to our ongoing work.
But, remember, it's because of such questions (read periodical brakes) that you have managed to reach where you are today. Without brakes, you could have skid, lost direction or gone astray or met with an unfortunate accident !!!.
Learn to appreciate the 'brakes' in your life.
Use them wisely...
Have a great time. 😊