Have you ever seen that perfect girl? One that you have so much in common with? You both hate cats, think that the Big Bang theory is a stupid show and if it was up to you two: people who serve fish tacos would be sentenced to death. You go in to talk to her with the intention of taking her out on a date and hoping she would be the future mrs. fuckface.

Three years later and you’re braiding her hair as she gets ready to go on a date with Brad who she keeps calling a jerk when she wakes you up from sleep at 3AM to complain for hours about and how horrible he is yet she is kinda whispering because he’s sleeping in the next room nude while she’s wearing his shirt. Simply put: After spending hours daily talking on the phone, brown nosing and ass kissing which I guess are the same thing yet somehow you managed to do them separately and now you made it to the friend zone

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Nice guy syndrome

People in nature don’t do anything unless they expect something in return, it’s just human nature and the greatest civilizations were built on that. Guys in the friend zone are no different, except that instead of building a great society they expect to fuck a certain member of it. Nice guys syndrome is basically when you pay for someone’s dinner because you are nice and it’s a syndrome because you bitch that they didn’t say thank you enough, maybe they didn’t make a Facebook post about how awesome you are or they haven’t used enough emojis when they messaged you to thank you for the dinner.

By being nice, some guys expect a girl to get wet enough she’d look like she just got out of a swimming pool and opens her legs wide like your name is Ray J.

Image Source: Any porn site around the globe

Nice guys syndrome laws dictate that the accumulation of nice deeds should end in sex and marriage which really interest me in breaking it down to basic numbers, like how does it work? For every 4 phone calls you’re owed a handjob? For every night spent talking about her current boyfriend you’re owed a blow job and boob grab? If that calculation sound silly it’s mainly because it is but if you think that the collection of good deeds equal love and marriage then it means that the singulars are worth parts as well and if you can’t tell what good deed is worth what sexual or emotional action then the whole collection thing is wrong, and if you say that you “can’t put a price on love and commitment” then why are you doing just that?

Women love jerks

It’s the biggest and seemingly the strongest argument guys seem to have against women who friend zone them mainly because it can’t possibly be them, it has to be the woman’s fault. Women don’t love jerks and if they do then there must be something wrong with them. All people prefer dealing with disagreeable people more than other kinds of people. Disagreeable people are the most successful bosses and that’s the difference between you and Steve. What do you have to offer to the woman that can’t also be offered by a tape recorder? People love to complain in general and that’s why the woman is talking to you about the bad side of Steve because she wants to complain. We’re more driven by our anger to talk than happiness. When was the last time you called a friend in the middle of the night to talk about how nice your day has been? Never, because the impulse is that it could wait till morning. However, if it went horribly or had horrible situations and events you’d focus on them as anger can’t wait. Much like a female dog, people are generally bitchy.

So of course the girl didn’t call you to say “Oh my god, Steven opened the car door for me, he was being a gentleman and even paid for dinner” because those things are normal in a date. Instead, you hear about him farting or chewing with his mouth open or screaming at a waitress. Hence why your image of the guy is “he’s a jerk” because all you’re getting is that he’s a farting loud chewer who eats with an open mouth and screams at waitresses.

“But I am a guy like me”

Image Sourxe

I was personally…. I mean a friend was personally told by a girl that she wants “a guy just like you” actually means nothing, or basically just one thing and that is: there’s one trait about you that the girl likes, and that’s normal considering the months you spent in the dark friendzone cell. If there is nothing about you that a girl likes then you need a new personality.
The sentence “I wish I was dating a guy like you” is a bit misleading admittedly but that’s only because girls don’t feel like justifying everything they say, stupid girls, amirite? I mean how dare they not be careful when they talk to someone they perceive as a friend? How dare they not know that your motive for helping them isn’t because you’re a friend but actually because you want them in your bed?

If you listen to a girl talk for hours, it’s obvious she’d want that in a guy they’re dating. There’s a whole variety of other traits that women want as well that you either don’t have or haven’t shown you have mainly because your time is spent listening and giving opinions about dresses, shoes, tops, jeans and underwear (if you’re lucky) and watching Matthew McConaughey chick flicks. With all the time spent on all that other stuff, how would you have time to show whatever other traits you may have?

Nice guys don’t finish last, pathetic ones do

We’re all familiar with the phrase “nice guys finish last” but the fact is it’s not nice guys that do that, it’s guys with no signs of personality that do, they finish last with a box of tissues and not because they’re crying. We have what we bargained for and if you’ve been stuck in the friend zone for months, if not years, maybe that’s what you bargained for. If you haven’t made it out of the friend zone then don’t you think that’s where you belong? Maybe looking out for number one (no I don’t mean Rick Sanchez) is a good thing sometimes. But instead of looking out for yourself you’re looking after the girl’s pet while she’s out dating other guys, isn’t that a clear sign for you that the relationship is as platonic as they come? At what point do you think the girl would go “Oh I’m gonna go home and have sex with the guy who had nothing better to do than to watch my dog on a friday night”?

There’s no nice way of saying this: stop being pathetic! Just stop and think about what you want, would you have respect for anyone who’d do everything you say even if they don’t like it? If not then why do you expect a different result from others? So basically it’s noble to look out for other people before yourself but don’t forget about yourself. I guess there was a nice way to say that…..

Finally, stand up straight and treat yourself better

Being stuck in the friend zone is all about the messages and signs you’re sending to the girl you want to be with, so make sure to send the right signs going in. Look successful, feel successful and most importantly BE successful. No one falls in love with hunched over people who agree to everything you say to them. Think of back to the future where Marty’s father punches the guy who bullied him all the time, or Marty himself who was so daring for his own size that his own mother fell for him, ok eww, don’t be like him in EVERY aspect but do consider that when you do nothing while you’re being treated in a way that you don’t like you’re basically inviting more of the same treatment. Nice guys make it out of the friend zone not when they stop being nice so I don’t want to go around burning the girl’s clothes but they make it out when they stop being okay with the current status quo and actually do something about it. Asking out your crush instead of babysitting her dolls, telling her how you feel instead of telling everyone else are all things that you can do instead of just sitting alone on a friday night masturbating.

Treat yourself better than what you’re currently doing, treat yourself the same way you’d treat your crush, I don’t mean buy women underwear, of course, unless you want that then there’s no judgement here….. Okay I’m judging you a little. How do you expect others to treat you better if you’re not acting in a way that proves that? Maybe by treating yourself better you’d force your crush to treat you the same and see you for all your traits, what you like, what you hate and actually fall for you. By doing so and acknowledging you deserve better you’d get out of the friend zone, okay it also means that your crush won’t share your your feelings but it’s okay as there are plenty of fish in the sea. There are catfishes, zanders, swordfish which admittedly can give a painful blowjob, there are trouts and common ling, so go to the local fish market and find a fish to fuck….. I swear to god I was going somewhere with that last point.

I nominate the forever friend zoned @carlgnash to make another entry and @anomadsoul hoping he would cancels the retraining order.