Is it just me or do some people love their grandchildren more than they love their own kids? It's a question that's been bothering me for quite some time, obviously because it's a personal problem I have to deal with... Well, I do not see it as a problem, it's not something that keeps me up at night, but I would like to understand why.
On several occasions, I've heard my mother refer to her granchildren as "my children"...Like "you take care of my children or else..." Sometimes I let it slide, but on more than one occasion I kind of snapped and pointed out that said children are actually mine. (Let me make it clear - my mother has not been involved in their rearing more than the occasional baby-sitting gig so there's no reason for her to consider herself their mother.)
I have, of course, considered the possibilty that I'm not quite as likable as I see myself...but I don't remember ever getting that much attention and care from my mother when I was my daughter's age. I don't have issues, I have a kind and supportive mother and I've had a happy childhood and all that. It's just the constant feeling that I was never loved quite like that.
I've read somewhere that people tend to bond more with their granchildren because they're past the daily struggle to juggle both work and family and have more time to appreciate their family. (I don't quite buy this somehow.)
Or maybe it's because they were too busy raising their own kids to really see what a blessing they are.
Or could it just be that at some point parents lose interest in us and turn to their grandchildren, as they are the future. Survival of the species...
I would really like to hear your experiences and what you make of them.
My grandfather always said, "our grandchildren - enemies of our enemies :)))" is a good way revenge to children for sleepless nights. He loved us)
My mom does this. She refers to my daughter as "my baby". When she thinks of the possibility of me moving out of the state (which I'm working on), she talks about how she'll miss her baby (my daughter). She doesn't say the same about me. It's an interesting dynamic, for sure, especially because I have felt (and realized it more in adulthood) that she has been emotionally neglectful all my life.
There is a movie (based on a book) called The Book of Ruth (2004) about a young married couple that moves into the girl's mother's house. When she has a baby, the dysfunctional relationship between mother and daughter becomes more clear. The mother connects with the baby more than her own daughter, seeing that child as her last chance to get things right.
Unfortunately, I see this a lot. Parents write off their children as problem children, even though the parents add to the toxicity of the relationship. Instead of trying to repair things, they turn to the new life as a fresh start. At least that's my experience from coming from an unhealthy parent-child relationship.
I hope you can move away, put some distance and enjoy raising your child. I must add that your phrase "emotionally neglectful" got me thinking. Very interesting point you made there.
Thank you. And yeah, many people think putting a roof over their children's heads and food on the table is adequate. But although children can be resilient, they also are fragile. They need guidance from their parents and the ability to open up and develop emotionally as well. Without emotional care, children seek it from others like friends or significant others and chase the desire to feel loved, often leading them to make poor choices because that desire becomes desperation. Absent parents create children without confidence and self-worth. I've spent a lot of time trying to build that for myself. And I've met a lot of people in the same boat.