the effect of low self-esteem

The Effect of Low Self-Esteem on Your Relationships

Nothing interferes with the ability to have a healthy, give-and-take relationship as much as low self-esteem does. Rightly so, if you are unable to see your own worth, how can you expect your partner to see it? If you don’t believe you’re good enough, how can you believe a loving partner could choose you and love you for who you are? In a romantic relationship, low self-esteem can manifest in various ways. It doesn’t always look the same in all relationships. For one, it can make you test or sabotage a good relationship that has potential, or cause you to settle for a relationship where you’re treated poorly, believing that’s all you deserve. Let’s take a look at the ways low self-esteem can manifest in romantic relationships.

1. Looking for The Knight in Shining Armor
   Low self-esteem can manifest in many ways. Some women may have feelings of worthlessness, but fantasize that a romantic relationship would suddenly make everything better. Many women who have grown up without a father figure describe this as a possible reason behind their urge for romance. It is possible that your father was unavailable, thereby paving the way for you to idealize him without ever getting the chance to test his fallibility. Even if your romantic partner turns out to be a well-rounded, consistent, and loving individual, you may still disqualify their efforts and look for ways to disrupt the relationship.

2. The Tester
“He loves me; he loves me not” “How could he possibly love me?” “He can’t possibly love me” “I’m unlovable”, “He doesn’t really love me, does he?” Beneath the surface these insecurities becloud your emotions and actions. You don’t believe you are worthy of love; and for this reason, you may find yourself testing your partner at every chance you get so that he can demonstrate his value to you. You may even look for ways to sabotage the relationship because you know your partner will inevitably leave in the end. And when this happens, you likely derive satisfaction from being able to say to yourself, “You see, I told you so, I’m unlovable”. More often than not, you experience deep regret in the aftermath when you lose a romantic partner this way.

1. Afraid to Open Up
   Perhaps you grew up experiencing a painful divorce between your parents. As a result, you might find it extremely difficult to be able to trust a partner. You may find yourself hesitant and scared to let yourself go and allow yourself to love. This may manifest as abandoning your partner before you can be abandoned, or completely avoiding immersion into a relationship in the first place. You feel that you would be betrayed, and for this reason you refrain from exposing yourself to the possibility of getting hurt.

2. Crazy About Him
   With this type of low self-esteem, women may feel like they have to fight and claw for a mate. It can seem as though nothing comes easily or naturally to you. You may feel as if you are not lovable and you will not be able to get a mate unless you go that extra mile. This can make you obsessed, totally consumed, and infatuated with your object of affection in a way that is not natural and ruins the ability to have a viable, healthy relationship. He may merely say, “Hello”, and you are already hearing wedding bells and plan your romantic honeymoon on a private island. You're already very far ahead and when the relationship does not develop the way you envisioned, you find it very difficult to tolerate your partner. You strive so hard to please your partner even if it means displeasing yourself and ignoring his actions if he treats you poorly.

3. Seeking Financial Safety
   For a woman with low self-esteem who is seeking financial security, she is willing to give up her hopes for an authentic connection with a partner in order to guarantee wealth and financial safety. She feels the need to trap a mate with looks, sex or other physical resources she possesses; while at the same time, hiding what she sees as a shameful inner part of herself. She feels in control emotionally in that she has the ‘ability’ to please a man without having to give away her heart and let him see the real her.

1. Seeking Insecurity
   Because you are already familiar with situations that bring about low self-esteem – being abandoned, being cheated on, experiencing abuse, etc. – you find yourself gravitating toward relationships where you’re able to feel this familiar insecurity. You’re so used to having to expend so much energy to save an insecure relationship, that these types of relationships become the only ones you feel comfortable with and gravitate toward. When such insecurity is not present, you find ways to create it. You find it boring if the relationship becomes too secure, and you may become disinterested and leave.
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