Basically how I feel today.
Things can get bad. Today is one of those days. I had my second appointment with my counselor and Jesus, does he make me think. I'm not complaining about it; in fact, I'm honestly thankful that it's somewhat of a "tough love" sort of thing. However, he was right, it is not an easy process.
In the book I am reading about trauma, referenced in my last post, the author goes to describe about how there are two major types of suffering that we go through in order to heal. The first one is the suffering caused by the traumatic event and the symptoms that come along with it, and the second one is the suffering that happens in order to heal. Little by little I am turning to face my demons and am letting myself become completely vulnerable so they can overtake me and I can see every little detail of them. And this is what I need to heal, what most people need in order to heal. We need to completely succumb to the pain, cry, scream, laugh, ponder, just let ourselves completely open up to it. Once we see all it is and everything has presented itself to us, can we start the healing process.
I am currently in that phase right now. Opening myself up to all of my trauma. It's terrifying, beautiful, crippling, all of this at the same time. The beauty of it is even amidst all the distress, sadness, and pain, is knowing that the reason I'm doing this is to help myself get past and work through all of it in order to come out on the other side a different person. Someone who is more content and can see things through different eyes. That is what I want and that's what makes this so beautiful.
When you are ready to face that, if there's anyone else going through this similar thing, I know it's scary, but it will be so worth it in the end. Don't give up, be strong and it will all pass. Every day is a fight. But every day you kick in the dick will be one step closer to healing. So get up, kick today in the dick, and start the healing process, one day at a time.