Few days ago I’ve read an article on modern sadists, Marquise De Sade reincarnations. Now the article described primarily the sadists as they are, hiding behind screens, ghosting, blocking, going unbelievable lengths at getting the victim trapped and then stirring them up in order to get the emotional response. Been through this one? Heck, I have. Didn’t know back then what the hell was going on, as most women do, and no psychological or psychiatric background can help- because everything starts normal. A boy meets girl, they go out, they date, and then the guy disappears. And all you are left with is a bunch of questions and hopefully a strong sense of confidence to know that it’s not you its him. Then the boy might return, then disappear and the cycle goes on and on. Until you embrace the fact that this person is loco and you have to cut him out of your life.
Lets look at this effect from another perspective. What if you do have dents in your confidence, what if you have a past that had violence or abuse in it? What if you are still getting back on your feet after some emotional turmoil where you felt low? Then you might be the perfect victim. On the other hand you can have all your ducks in the row and still be approached by such a malignant person. Why is that? Their ego. Simply having you as a proof of their worthiness, as a plug for their pain or inability to sense that pain, fear, anger and what not. Majority of modern sadist are incapable of feeling true feelings, embrace their emotions or being intimate. Their traumas happened when they were kids and there is a way out through a long therapy process but they must want to go through it. Otherwise no kind heart can save them.
Now, what can you actually do after you have kicked them out of your life, and please do that, majority of sadists keep on returning over and over again. For years. You don’t want that.
If you feel like this relationship did affect you: a- self-therapy or actual therapy. Getting back that confidence will take time and if a relationship did affect you, you might still have something in your past that needs healing. Take all the time that you need. My personal favorite method for the therapy was writing letters, expressing all my feelings. You start one and you don’t stop until you feel like your bucket of tears is empty. There is one point- if you have started writing a letter to one person and then for some reason switched to a completely different persona, go with the flow. You are in the zone of your primary trauma. Let it out. And then burn the damn letter☺
Second point- fill your life with things that make you happy. Actually happy- boozing up on weekends isn’t the perfect option, it will only make you groggy and anxious. Don’t drink down your feelings. Find a new hobby, volunteer, write poems. What ever rocks your boat- do that.
Last thing- talk about it as much as you want. Yep, your friends might hate you at some point, but the more you share your experience the less shame you will feel (if you have that trap in you). Everyone makes a mistake one time or another. And accepting yourself when you made a bad judgment call is a primary cure, it can happen to anyone. Forgive yourself for it. This is the time when it’s not you, it’s them. You are good, even if you made this mistake. You can be happy and have a healthy relationship. You can regain that trust in your own gut, logic and self-respect.
Ok, if anyone wants more tips and tricks, you are more then welcome to ask- will share everything I know.
Take care guys.
M
you have covered a number of tactics here to deal with a toxic situation, i wrote an article a little while back which touches on the same kind of message you are expressing it is called Detaching from Toxicity and worth a read, in my bias opinion :P
What is important to understand is that we should not bury these negative thoughts feelings and emotions within us, because in time they will spread roots, growing into a plant, which when bares fruit we eat and poison ourselves. We only harm ourselves further by containing negativity.
How we choose to release this negativity can vary , from channeling the emotion into writing, art, exercise, work and many other examples as you have mentioned in the article above. As long as we find a healthy means of expression its all good :)
We must also remind ourselves that going through these things may be painful, however, it is not a "loss" if we have gained something in the process. if we have learned, gained an understanding or perspective, we have grown, we have learned what we "dont" want to engage with in life,with family , friendships, relationships, etc. this makes us stronger the next time we encounter these kinds of people or behavior.
Again great article, keep up the good work, i would suggest spacing the paragraphs a bit more as its easier on the eyes when reading, but still great content :) Did you get a chance to check out Discord yet ? Also just realizing you guys drive on the other side of the car than in Australia :)
much love in your direction
~Cope
Thank you for your thorough reply:) And I completely agree with your opinion, we do somehow manage to hurt ourselves even more in the process of keeping someone or something in our lives, something that doesn't serve us any longer. This week has been something of a cleanse for me, took some personal time to fix what was broken and get rid off something that would only be useless baggage further on. Emotionally drained and empty but at the same time gained a perfect new experience. Will talk about it later.
I really enjoyed your article, admire your work and the way you write. Will keep on reading.
And yes, in Ukraine we drive on the opposite side:) and do many other things in the most illogical way:))))
Take care, and thank you for your support.
Maria.
Yes sometimes it is necessary to purge life of things which weigh us down, this can be items which have memories attached to even people who hold us down/back. This can be liberating and revitalize the essence of "the self".
That is one of the beauties of having an experience, that you have a story which comes from it. lessons which can be passed on and revisited when need be... this is life in living color :) I look forward to seeing your article on this latest experience :)
Much love and many hugs in your direction :)
~Cope
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