IT’S OKAY TO NOT KNOW WHAT THE FUTURE HOLDS

“So, do you know what college you’re going to?”
“Will you live here or move out of state?”
“What do your plans look like for the future?”

As my senior year of high school has started, these are all questions I get asked on a regular basis. When my response is something along the lines of, “I haven’t decided if I want to go to college or not,” I typically get a few puzzled looks, and sometimes an opinion is thrown in. You go to school, get good grades, graduate high school, go to college, get a good job, get married, have kids, and work until retirement. That’s the way it’s supposed to be. Or, at least, that’s what most of us have been taught since we could walk. I have nothing against college. I think it’s a great opportunity for some people to learn and grow, and begin “adulting” on their own. However, it is not for everyone.

I have absolutely no idea what the future holds for me. I may go to college. I may not. I may someday get married. I may not. I may live in Colorado. I may move around. I’ve been learning to just roll with whatever God brings because I can make as many plans as I want, but ultimately, He holds my future.

Up until I was about fifteen years old, I thought I knew exactly what I wanted to do; be a professional barrel racer. I had developed a serious passion for horses when I was around three or four years old, and I remember one day lining up all of the plastic toy horses I had collected over the years, and counting them. To give you an idea of my passion, I had over two hundred toy horses lined up around the kitchen. We lived in a suburban neighborhood, and therefore had no room for a horse, but I remember joking with my family about trying to take care of one in our small backyard. Eventually, reality hit that that was probably not a good idea.

My love for the sport stayed strong over the years, and I even began taking barrel racing lessons when I was around twelve or thirteen years old. I had created a vision board in my room with all of my rodeo-related goals, including the big one to make it to the National Finals Rodeo someday. I became friends with a few people who owned horses, and our similar interest was a foundation in our friendship. My parents did everything they could to support me in my equestrian dreams, and for awhile, I was sure that was what I wanted to do with my life, that is, until I really began to experience the atmosphere at competitions. Many of the girls were brutal to each other; tearing each other down, trash talking, only caring about winning…It was not the warm and friendly environment I had pictured. One day, I posted a picture of myself during a barrel practice on Facebook that said “proof” on it, and shortly after received Facebook messages saying I was just a wannabe that was asking for attention. After experiencing some bullying, being told I was fake and would never be as good as the “real barrel racers who actually grew up on a farm,” this once fun, challenging sport became associated with discouragement and verbal abuse in my head. The fire began to die out, and my desire to compete slowly faded over the next year.proof

The following year was a difficult one. My family went through some pretty big challenges, I was battling depression, high school had just started, everything I had dreamed about for almost sixteen years was suddenly gone, and I had lost some very close friends. I’m not telling you this to drown in self pity, I wouldn’t trade any of these experiences and am actually glad they happened. They helped me grow and find my true interests, and have led me to better things.

For instance, as I began to focus less on horses, I began to focus more on music, and developed an interest in modeling, which was funny because before, I could never see myself wanting to do anything regarding fashion.Just ask my friends; I was the girl who talked about trucks and mud, and wore jeans and a plain t-shirt daily with almost no effort put into the way I presented myself. However, I began to build a modeling portfolio, and at the beginning of 2016 (after almost two years of doing freelance modeling) I had the honor of getting published in a few different magazines. Modeling is both a lot of work and a lot of fun, but I typically don’t recognize myself in the photos. While there is nothing wrong with that, and sometimes part of the job means going with the flow, wearing heavy makeup and crazy cool costumes, I wanted to find a way to express myself and be seen; really seen, past my physical appearance, and eventually songwriting became my outlet.

After starting, and completing (or not completing) songs in my journal for a year or so, I decided I wanted to start sharing my love of music with others. I created a YouTube channel, and my first video was a low quality cover of Struggling Man by Jimmy Cliff. I decided to cover only the part of the song I had heard in The Walking Dead, sung by Emily Kinney, and so it wasn’t even a full cover. But, it somehow got a few thousand views, and the encouragement I received on that video inspired me to upload more. I’ll admit I was terrible about uploading on a consistent basis; posting a new video maybe once or twice a month, but I loved making covers and sharing them with the internet. After a year of inconsistently uploading content, I was encouraged to take it a step further. I began to work on an EP (Extended Play) and, with the help of two amazing producers and friends, and the daily reminder of Philippians 4:13 and Jeremiah 29:11, it was released to multiple stores on May 10th of 2016, after about 8 months of working on it.

the letter

Shortly after releasing The Letter EP, I decided I want to start taking YouTube more seriously, and so I’ve officially gotten into a schedule of uploading a new video to YouTube every Saturday morning. More and more people have been coming to the channel since I came up with a schedule, and any amount of growth is always so very encouraging. I am grateful. Although I do not know what the future holds, I will continue to pursue YouTube, music, and modeling for as long as I am able, unless God steers me in a different direction. My senior year of high school is coming up, and after discovering I have the chance to graduate early, I’m still no closer to finding out what God will write in the next chapter of my story. I don’t know any definite answers to questions about my future. Whether I attend a University, or pursue a career as an internet musician, or do something completely different with my life, I don’t know what is going to happen.

I’m not worried about it though. Who better to hold my future than the One who created it?

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you, not harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29:11

“Commit your actions to the LORD, and your plans will succeed.” – Proverbs 16:3

My EP: itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-mask/id1107223157?i=1107223419
YouTube: http://youtube.com/brittinlane