3 AM = self reflection-
My struggle with female friendships
and my challenge in letting myself be held,
seen or hugged as I cry
stems from the relationship dynamic
with my mother.
I never really genuinely hugged her
or let her see the emotional side
(other than my anger).
I’ve always had such a hard time loving and
respecting her.
I’ve learned now which part of myself i’m rejecting when I reject her.
The feminine, dainty, sensitive, vulnerable side.
🦋
My inability to fully trust men,
to let them in
stems from my strained relationship with my father.
Explosive.
Hard to please.
“Never enough.”
Ego was usually in the way.
I rejected him. His anger.
My anger.
The part that feels so deeply but shuts down and doesn't share
🌀
My parents are a reflection of my shadows
the parts I didn’t want to see
the parts I couldn’t love
👁
We didn’t get along..
I couldn’t stand how protective they were.
How much they tried to change me.
Control me.
I was the black sheep rebel child of my family.
Always causing trouble.
It clearly “wasn’t working out”
I thought I could just break the ties
Run away.
I planned to leave as soon as I graduated high school.
But with my sisters sudden passing the year before,
everything changed.
life forced me to stay
I felt like THEY needed me.
But I cant help anyone unless I help myself.
By only showing my “strong” side and not my pain.
Last January,
When I began finally soul journeying aka traveling cause momma Earth called.
I found purpose. I got to live my life. My way.
Even if that meant being gone for extended periods. Taking my time to delve deep.
🦄
Now as my travels come to a temporary close, as much as I don’t want them to,
I get to go play with these discoveries I’ve made the last few months.
I know it will be challenging.
There are cobwebs I avoid like the plague.
But i’d like to think the hardships I’ve faced here have been preparing me
Fear is inevitable.
I have struggled with severe anxiety and depression.
But do we feed it?
THATS the question.
Didn’t you know,
What you feed grows!?